Okay the rumor that I’m not going to post anymore during my vacation has been greatly exaggerated by me. I decided that for the rest of my trip I will use this as a form of an online journal
I have spent almost the past four years hearing rumors of impending terrorist attacks. And I wrote a long and whiny post that was lost when my Internet service went out.
To most people in the USA it’s a hypothetical;to those of us who live and/or work in New York or DC it’s not. I have spent too much time the past four years not listening to rumors. They’re not funny; they’re don’t serve to do anything. Nothing at all.
I keep on saving this post and losing it. Must be a harbinger…Too bad because I had great metaphors and even managed to work in the word tsuanami. Oh well. When I leave New York I feel two distinct emotions: calmness and fear. I no longer feel calm at home, not even in my own apartment, yet I never let myself feel concious fear. So when I go away, the fear comes racing out. I start believing the stupid rumors and want to run home because if something horrible happens to my city where almost everyone I love the most lives I wouldn’t want to live.
Then I get angry at myself for feeling that, and want to live just to show people something–don’t ask me what; nothing about this is rational. I do know what I want to show: I am strong; I am a New Yorker; and like that tree that grows in Brooklyn among the concrete and the hard world, I can flourish anywhere. (This last sentence was just added upon reflection.)
Meant to say (it was late; the computer ate my homework) that fear, even repressed fear, never has stopped me or anybody I know from doing anything. If we give into it, we not only give into the terrorists but to the idiots (radical right I would think) who make up these vile rumor laden “advisory’s.”
I say all this and I love the city of my birth very much but Iwill probably leave within the year for the city that I’m going to tomorrow. I want an easier life and a slightly less expensive one. When people ask me what’s cheap in New York, I don’t have to think. Coffee beans–you can get incredible coffee beans for anywhere from $3.99 to$5.99, we’re a city of people who love to wake up and grind the beans. But you can’t live on coffee alone and you can’t live on repressed fear.