Courting Destiny

Dear blog

Got the blues bad.

When I began you, you were supposed to be pivate; a place where I could write differently; try out various fiction forms, and just be. I didn’t know about a blogging culture, the blogosphere, blogging for popularity and/or friends. I wasn’t looking for that.

You began life in August 2004 but weren’t put in public until November; just ten months ago. How much we have learned. I can’t complain because people like us; they really like us. Or they hate us. As in life nobody has ever been neutral about me.

The first draft of the book should be ready soon. Not the entire book, of course. I can’t put an entire book on a blog; bits of it, yes. To entice.

There were many unexpected pleasures associated with it; the feedback. The amazing amount of help Tammy K gave and is giving me, directly and the indirect help from so many other people.

Of course it’s scary; I have never written a book before. It’s less scary because I know there’s an audience for my work. but the past several weeks I haven’t been at my best.

katrina knocked the sails out of me; I haven’t been writing to entice. I haven’t been writing to invite people into my past. I feel as if I might have lost the spark. I hope it’s the Harvest Moon that has made me PMS’d, sad and bitchy.

I thought had lost the guilt I felt about my mom’s death. It’s difficult as I had never known anybody who loved life so much. When she fell that October night in 2001, and begged for help, heard on her Companion Button, I couldn’t help her.

Irrational guilt is usually easy to stop, because the thoughts and feelings don’t make sense, therefore there is no need to feel them, and they can be changed. But irrational guilt about a mother’s death; that one’s harder.

I can’t go through another four weeks feeling like this; I will lose my mind. OnTuesday when I have some time I will write a story that has nothing to do with anything; maybe a fantasy, though mine are so sick; maybe an attempt at noir fiction. Something like the pieces I used to do, or wanted to do, before I began to blog for the sake of blogging.

It’s time for a break. Some short entries; little blog socialization. Right now I need to be out, I need to be with the people who have known me and loved me anyway.

This whole thing lately; it’s been too much. Too much time spent exploring other people’s worlds; I want to. A major purpose of life is to be part of new worlds. But sometimes the old world; it calls pasionately for me to make more than a token appearance; it wants me for weekends or at least some week day dinners.

It wants me to remember that it provided the fodder for the book and for the blog. Without that life it who would I be? It even wants me to remember that I thought chat rooms were places for people with perverted minds. Well, that AOL chat room in 1997 that was supposed to be about some great author but was all sex….Lucia and I spent the night out witting everybody and never went back to one again.

We did miss a Lincoln Center outdoors performance that we had been wanting to see. More than that we had to try out this new world. Wasn’t fun and went back to our worlds.

Did so many errands today that I never did the actual work that I bought the stuff for. My bedroom is cluttered so even here in the living room my mind is cluttered. Good news is that the closet will be sorted, redone and everything that is going will go to a town in Louisania, Lucia’s nephew “adopted.” A poor town that survived intact and took in more than 300 people. Frigging amazing. He has to incorporate and doesn’t want money, but clothes and other supplies. A bus would be good.

This end of summer everything seems overwhelming. The time between Labor Day and Halloween has been hard the past four years. This year there was the London bombings; last year the Republican convention. I shouldn’t have been so affected by all this. Drama queen that I could be; I have been.
It will be nice to get back to Pia’s blog before she became a blogger.