I’m probably not going to have the second part of the obligatory fave posts up tomorrow because I can’t do a link back to my own posts without pinging them; I’m tired, and I want to relax. Couldn’t even put a link for the BOB awards without pinging it back to them. Duh
Shayna did an interview with me. Shayna’s a great interviewer, and I don’t say that lightly or often. As I sometimes like to think that I hold the patent on that one.
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Because the last line of the following article is “the most appropriate of an old so famous it could be a cliche line” I had to share it; if there’s anybody in the world who doesn’t know that Larry David co-created and wrote Seinfeld, well you know now. Oh right. I have seen Brokeback Mountain It’s my second favorite movie of the year after A history of violence
Larry David wrote this article:
SOMEBODY had to write this, and it might as well be me. I haven’t seen “Brokeback Mountain,” nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.
And I love gay people. Hey, I’ve got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I’m for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don’t want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That’s all.
Is that so terrible? Does that mean I’m homophobic? And if I am, well, then that’s too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I’m still not going to that movie.
To my surprise, I have some straight friends who’ve not only seen the movie but liked it. “One of the best love stories ever,” one gushed. Another went on, “Oh, my God, you completely forget that it’s two men. You in particular will love it.”
“Why me?”
“You just will, trust me.”
But I don’t trust him. If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I’m with at the time? I’m a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won’t let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I’ve ordered that’s now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures.
So who’s to say I won’t become enamored with the whole gay business? Let’s face it, there is some appeal there. I know I’ve always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy if he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don’t pay for men, which of course is their most appealing attribute.
And gay guys always seem like they’re having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang. Boy that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I’m saddled with won’t permit it.
I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. “You like those cowboys, don’t you? They’re kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they’re cute. You can’t fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You’re gay! You’re gay!”
Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
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I think this is the best last line in the history of last lines. It feels so natural; so everyday and mundane. I use it all the time to get out of potentially embarassing situations. But only Larry David really has the right to use it. Liked the rest of the piece also–the build up to the end; spend too much time analyzing Larry David because I can have doing nothing elevated to a fine art form. I wish; just really like this.
Happy New Year!
so funny, i ripped this out to share with my husband today… i wish i could do an imitation i saw of nathan lane doing a line from this movie.
i need to go see it!
That is funny. Thanks, Pia.
So funny…
I love him… One talented man and writer. I once read an interview he did on Salon.com and a piece he wrote on the environment (can you tell I’m a fan?) and he never falls short of being anything but brilliant!
I love Larry David – he is so funny. Where was that article published? Is it a regular column? Information on Larry David is hard to come by when you live in the UK.
Thanks
Nathan
I love him and this piece was priceless!!!!
I thought his “spongeworthy” was really good, too. And that’s another thing gay men don’t have to worry about.
Happy New Year, Pia!
We had a lengthy discussion about Bareback Mountain at Christmas dinner with the wife’s family.
Wife’s sister: “They’re straight! Both characters are married!”
Me: “Wait a second– do the wives make out?”
Wife’s sister’s 3 20-something sons: (hysterical laughter.)
Thanks for posting that, Pia. I can relate for sure.
Plus, I watched Curb Your Enthusiam DVD’s for a few hours this weekend.
Dear Larry,
Men are very simple creatures, much less complicated than women. We are on the level of dogs mostly, especially when it comes to sex (no pun intended.) And I think it is a biological imperative that causes the confusion. If you think of humans as animals you realize that the females are interested in incorporating sex as a mechanism that insures the welfare of their offspring. For males, sex is like hunger and thirst–something they have to do to satisfy the urging. We totally separate sex and romance. A man can have sex with a person that he hates and despises, and enjoy it, and keep coming back for more, and never get emotionally involved. He sees nothing illogical or wrong with this. However, he knows he cannot admit this to the object of his affections because she might take offence and he doesn’t want to screw that up. It is this slot that men put sex with another man. A straight man might, say, go away for a week to a convention (in the days before aids anyway,) feel the urge to orgasm and do it with another man (under many different scenarios and that is a whole ‘nother topic,) but he would never think of incorporating romance into the sexual encounter. The advent of HIV changed things and he could now establish a regular relationship with another man, say, on his night out with the boys, that results in weekly sex with that man. He doesn’t see himself as gay, it is merely variety in his sexual life as opposed to his emotional life. The two men trust each other not to do anything dangerous, like get AIDS–and both have wives and children. So what men find unbelievable about Brokeback Mountain is the romance. And they really can’t identify with it. If both guys in the movie were, for example, married, but not necessarily so, and had monthly outings where they had sex with each other without the romance, it would be much more believable since it reflects more typical male behavior. I don’t know a lot about lesbians in comparison, but they seem to value the emotional bond more than the sexual one. For 99% of men that situation does not apply; there is only the sexual relief that a male partner provides.
Of course, all this is highly secret and is rarely discussed among men. The closest they come, if two men are regularly having sex, is to reassure each other that they are not gay, for the simple reason that both not only enjoy sex with their respective spouses, but would prefer to be having sex with several different females if they could get away with it. This to them is eminently logical and they eschew the label bisexual because, in general, they find males unalluring–but I do have some conflicting data on this latter situation. In prisons and in war, both adolescent boys and girls seem to be at a premium and eagerly sought after. Within my personal experiences I found something that disturbed me at the time, but later on I came to understand. In Viet Nam children of 10-15 were frequently recruited as sexual partners for the military, a common thing in all wars, and the prettiest, male or female, were the most in demand (and there are ‘nother few thousand words on that.) But when the opportunity to be rescued from that situation presented itself to the kids, most of the girls took advantage of it and went with the nuns. A few of the boys did, but most preferred to stay with the GI’s and continue in their relationships. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do now. Years of research have enabled me to look at it from the boys’ point of view instead of as an outraged father of two little girls.
Mike