There’s a more thought out 3WW below this post. I closed comments on this post. Please read the post below. I have family problems and…
My mother’s sister, not the cute Buddhist artist, but the beautiful brilliant loner middle sister has end stage Alzheimer’s.
For various reasons, many including guilt as I was one of the few people she genuinely liked, I’m not feeling very bloggish.
We’re not a praying-type family. I suppose my Buddhist aunt does.
I don’t really talk about my extended family or even my sister and her family not because i don’t love them but out of respect for privacy. This is all very complicated to me, and it shouldn’t be, but….My father and aunt weren’t exactly close though it took me about nine years to realize that. My father’s Yazherit (death anniversary) will be Saturday.
We’re not a religious family, but what religious is could be debated. I have no idea if I believe in God or an after-life. In Judaism it’s really the big sleep. I have always wondered if somebody dies around the time somebody in their family or somebody who was close to her did, if there is an after-life, does the first person serve as a guide or mentor?
I understand that fits no known religious belief, least I think not, but it always made a warped kind of sense to me.
The last time I saw my aunt was over five years ago at my Mom’s funeral.
I was going to make a big deal out of my new blog, but it seems so mundane now. Maybe I will. I don’t know.
This really is the last entry in this Courting. I wanted to see if I could use each word three times in fifteen minutes, and make some sort of sense.
She didn’t seem the type to have her ego easily shattered. She never wanted to appear needy or begging. Good manners were important to her, and she easily hid behind them.
Once long ago she and some close friends scattered another friend’s ashes into the Hudson. She hadn’t known that they wouldn’t really be ashes but bone fragments that looked like shattered rocks. It was the first time she acknowledged how fragile, wonderful and random life is.
She vowed to life each day to its fullest, but life went on, and she forgot. She laughed too much, loved too much and desired too much. Then she stopped laughing and loving because she desired something different. Something intrinsic.
But she wasn’t the type to expect her deepest desires to really come true. Other people believed that they had, that she had easily slipped into a kind of true success. She knew that not to be true. Her dreams had been shattered too often before.
She wanted to scream:
“Don’t dare type me. See me for who I am. Not many things have come easily to me.”
As I said, I’m not feeling very bloggish. I also feel very self-conscious. I was hoping that a new template would make me feel more comfortable in the blogosphere, but I don’t think that it works that way.
Many people seem to be under the impression that I’m “a big blogger.”
The blogosphere is vast. I’m a tiny tiny speck in it.
For proof, a tech blogger has been receiving death threats.
There’s a call for a blogger’s code of honor. The article states that there’s an unwritten law that says bloggers can’t delete comments.
In my very tiny speck of the blogosphere, I have been deleting comments since October 05. I didn’t realize I was breaking an unwritten law.
I thought that I was saving my sanity though I know how much more exciting I was when I fought back
It does sadden me that many people thought me more interesting then.
I’m just feeling sad right now.