I once read a Paulo Coelho book (I love that man) entitled “Veronica decides to die” and one of the things in that book, arising from his personal experience in mental wards, was that patients in mental wards tend to act out even more, play out their “insanity” and not really focus on healing because the very fact of their being there gives them an unspoken license to act crazy. We do that with labels in society, all in the spirit of scapegoating the problems elsewhere and avoiding responsibility.

And so it is with the label of “adopted”, “adoptee” and whatnot…

And bravo to you for seeing past the BS and saying it like it is sistah! (That needed a “sistah” thrown in”… and my fist is raised and my other hand is on my chest… yep! FO SHO! )

I have to really think that her own problems were due to that, not the fact that she was adopted per se, but they could have been better parents. They were very cold emotionally, and she is a naturally warm and caring person.
I think if they’d also brought her up with more awareness of her own beautifully rich background and culture, she’d have done a lot better, but tha fact that she was Pakistani was always sort of whispered among the grown-ups. Us kids couldn’t have cared less, for the most part.
What it led her to, (Or was she naturally like this anyway?) was compulsive lying. She would fantatsize about who her natural parents were, and make up the most incredible things.
I can understand her need to do that, in this case. But it became a bit ridiculous.
She was however, given a lot of opportunities I never had. Her parents were far more wealthy than mine, and I always had a lot of envy of the things she was given, that I never had. What exacerbated things was that her emotional problems led her to steal things from me! I had to learn to go steal them back again, and that went against my nature a bit.

I think she would have been like that to a large degree anyway, regardless of her status as an ‘adoptee’. I think the cultural/silently racist thing was most likely more to blame in her case, as to her not doing so well in life, by the measure that we traditionaly use to a person’s ‘success’.
What else it’s lead her to, is really positive. She’s the mother of 4 boys, and I don’t think I’ve ever met a more caring mother!! She’s amazing in that way.

I’ve also known a lot of well-adjusted adoptees, who love their adopted parents a lot. So I really am not inclined to blame it on that, just her own particular set of difficult circumstances, and parents that didn’t raise thier biological child any better, either. He is a 2 years older than I am, and has already been through 3 marriages.

Pia, it sounds like you got so lucky with your parents, they sound wonderful.

My ex was adopted and boy he had issues. he was like, My parents are rich and Jewish and my real dad is some labor worker from the UK. I have no idea if that was true about his biological dad since he couldn’t really reach his real parents. I mean the guy broke up with me and starting making out with all the guys in manhattan!

As a doctor, I think there is some validity to the statistical significance regarding adoption, in that people with certain types of mental illness are more likely to be unfit parents, and those illnesses are inheritable… but there are many many many other reasons that children are put up for adoption, and it is faulty logic to say that all who are adopted are likely to be criminal or dangers to society. There are many others who are in dysfunctional families that are equally likely to become serial killers, rapists or do far more harm in other unspeakable ways, and the fact you are not adopted does not make you “safe.”

The truth of the matter is that mental illness is a problem in this country that we’re afraid to talk about, and people like John Travolta and Tom Cruise don’t do us any favors by adding to the stigma.

And many health professionals are over-eager to hand out drugs to people who don’t need them… who really just need to sit back, take a look at their lives and adjust their priorities, while they overlook others who really and truly need their help. It’s a messed up planet. But I guess we all already knew that…

Some people are genuinely good, and will continue to be so no matter what life puts in their way. Others are the opposite, and will be no matter how hard we try to rehabilitate them and how well we treat them.

THoughtful post, thanks.

Great line, Pia.