I long for the weightless summers of youth before the fear became omnipresent and I could ignore the subtle individual problems that taken all together would become huge.
Once I was filled with pure potential. It didn’t matter that somethings were too hard. But the fear became so great that I began to ignore important things and now I’m scared it could be too late.
Or not. I could be taking everything way out of proportion. Letting the nightmares take over the day. Even dreams that I’m weightless and flying seem to have sinister connotations.
Last week I faced the past despite my fear. I learned that I missed the friends of today who live in the city I was visiting. Still they are there for me.
Here I have a good life. But not one I’m totally comfortable in yet. I’m scared that if I continue to ignore certain things the good life will become shallow and weighted with problems I have spent too much time imagining and problems I have not yet begun to think about.
It’s beautiful today and I plan on doing what gives me pleasure and thus makes me productive. My life. My dreams. My way. I care way too much about pleasing others. If I learn to only please myself the fear will go away and I won’t ignore the important.
I know. Most people learned this lesson in high school!
I had to make a decision today about something that seemed good for me and was for awhile. But now it’s only depressing–nobodies fault and the right decision was to end it. But get into the “you can’t quit,” mindset and sometimes that’s exactly wrong.
I really hate getting up at 4AM too tired to do anything but think and/or write. Not able to fall back to sleep. Forgive this post. The words bore into me.