I hate this post but since I already posted it will let stay up. Next week wait for “Fifteen ways for the introverted/extrovert with deep anxiety issues to duel the extrovert/introvert with depression triggered by the quarter moon.”
Yesterday I found myself practically crying to my friend Bonnie, of the wonderful blog Frogma, about how I spent the years 2005-2008 writing this blog (rather too prolifically) while also writing full time for a political blog——answering the most absurd comments instead of ignoring them as I should have, and would later.
While the people who had promised to support me wrote their piss—poor (usually) blog posts for that blog, and sat back to enjoy the dog & pony show I was unwittingly starring in.
The fourteen plus hour days, seven days a week eventually caught up with me. It began to anger me more and more that not only did I pay––the costs of designing and maintaining this blog, I didn’t make a cent from my blogging.
I began to feel like the punchline to a truly bad joke.
Instead of being proud of my accomplishments, I thought, “what accomplishments?” And felt more and more scattered.
By 2007 in large part due to misunderstandings with people on my political blog, (don’t try written satire unless you can carry it out; few people can) I remembered that I had problems I long suspected were neurological. I also had many problems with the tech side of blogging. Today that sounds weird; then you really had to know HTML and much more. Putting an image in a blog post could take me five or more hours. It was hell.
I found out that they were neurological when I found out the name to my problems——nonverbal learning disorder (NLD).
This proceeded to truly depress me as I searched for help, and couldn’t find any. I had both incredible health insurance and resources. I would have traveled anywhere for help. The person who was supposed to help me flaked out on me. I never know whether to consider the person who first learned about NLD a great friend or somebody who secretly wanted to see me go on a downward spiral because downward I went.
In order to help myself I began reading and writing about adult NLD as I could only find one article on adults with NLD and the author, of this frigging supposedly “scholarly” piece, trashed all adults with untreated NLD. That was basically all of us as it wasn’t discovered until the late 1960’s, and really researched in the 1980’s.
Fortunately the author picked as his one subject a woman who went to undergrad school for social work. He didn’t think she, and by extension all of us, had the insight to do an internship—undergrad school where interns do the most basic of work.
I happened to have a Master’s in Social Work from a top ranked school and got an all “excellent” final field evaluation. The reasons I wasn’t working in social work when I learned all this had nothing to do with incompetence, and everything to do with my personal life, my wants, needs and desires.
My heart was never in my writing about NLD. Also, and this is on me, many of my Psychology Today posts show me at my very worst. Some people seem to need to see “all life is horrible when you have NLD,” and read all my posts negatively. I’m not a negative person.
No, I’m not married nor do I have children. This doesn’t mean I lacked a full life. In college and after I had and have many many friends. When I learned about NLD a lot of things had happened in my personal life that wasn’t great but was normal for that time in life.
Doing so much reading on NLD made me doubt myself, and I began to turn into a person I didn’t recognize. Deep inside me was the person who had never given up, and she came back.
Writing and politics are my two passions. I don’t talk about my political qualifications as they don’t fit in with my plans, but hiring my father to work for Daniel Patrick Moynihan, and then introducing them was one of the high points of my 20’s.
He was the only politician my father and I could agree on. And for the first time my father saw me as a mature capable adult, though I suspect both my parents knew what went on behind the scenes at the many parties for Moynihan I invited them to.
The thing is I’m a political junkie who truly hates politics on the Internet, but like any addict can’t stop myself. Internet politics has made me hate any political discussion except with people who agree with me 100%.
Since I can’t stay away from politics I’m going to stay away from Facebook. Except to put in my own writing and plug others.
Facebook is an intrusion I don’t need.
I need to finish the book I have been working on.
It shows a life of accomplishments where NLD can hinder at times but never stops me.
I haven’t shopped it because I feel too disorganized——that is and always has been my greatest problem though I can organize others. For that reason, and many others, I don’t plan on self-publishing.
I realize that there’s a whole blogging generation and a half, probably, who think I’m full of it. They make the money; they are the bloggers people admire. And I do too.
While they were organizing their blogs and putting them out there, I was selling an apartment, buying a house, renovating, and doing many things I never knew I could do before.
I always say the Internet made my move possible, and thank Overstock, Amazon, and Facebook. But what once helped can hinder later, and I feel hindered. Though proud….
I wasn’t proud because it seemed that at this stage of life selling, buying, renovating, living in another culture should have been easy.
But how many people do it alone?