The beloved by me and many other people Olivia Cooper wrote a great post on Domestic Violence, October’s other big cause. I can’t speak personally about breast cancer (kinehora) but can about this.
When Zachary began to verbally abuse me, then broke my window and overturned furniture, then stalked me for a year little was known about domestic violence. Not little. It didn’t happen. Not to white girls who lived in good zip codes.
I was fortunate. I could tell my parents who were an amazing source of support and strength. I still had to hide out in Miami–he couldn’t afford to go there, and Sheapshead Bay–had a friend who lived there and it was the last place people would think of looking for me in.
A year or two later Dominic Dunne’s daughter Dominique was killed by her lover. Dunne made it his cause and it was his comeback. Horrible price to pay for a comeback.
There isn’t much I have to say on this subject that I haven’t said already. Zachary blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life. For awhile I agreed. Some inner strength took over and I kicked him out. But one day when I was studying, my guard was down and I let him in. That’s when he broke my things. I knew less than nothing about domestic violence but it seemed logical that if he could break my things I would be broken next.
I no longer have patience for women who give men one more chance. I have seen what can happen. I worked in elder abuse. Yes it can happen to 80 year olds by 80 year olds.
I have gotten comments when I have written about Zachary saying that all he needed was the love of a good woman and I wasn’t doing my good woman job. Wasn’t my job to do. He was sick and did kill himself several years later.
I used to feel guilty that I didn’t get him help. I was in therapy. My therapist was more scared than me or my parents. Zachary wouldn’t have gone for therapy or any help. Actually that was one of his complaints about me. I might be talking about the great Zachary.
My therapist was probably right to be that scared. He was just learning about domestic violence and the signs were bad.
The police were useless. They wouldn’t give me a restraining order. They will give you an order of protection today. Counseling is mandatory for abusers but the recidivism rate is very high.
Run at the first signs, and you will know them. Verbal abuse can be tricky, but if it escalates into an everyday thing, it’s abuse. Mutual abuse is a whole other subject and not healthy for either party or their children.
I have been engaged since then and in several other serious relationships. But the trust was gone. I always held back big parts of myself. I upset men because of that and they were right. My fear was so great I became a love him and leave him person. That’s my problem, and in this later stage of life I’m beginning to feel differently. It shouldn’t have taken so long.
I’m supposed to have a great memory but remember most of my later boyfriends as “the actor” “the piano player” etc. I held myself back so so much.
Cooper has a great list of resources. Read them!
[…] noemi2 wrote an interesting post today on Domestic Violence MonthHere’s a quick excerpt […]
[…] unknown wrote an interesting post today on Domestic Violence MonthHere’s a quick excerpt […]
it seemed logical that if he could break my things I would be broken next.
It would seem logical to assume that. Sadly, I think so many women ignore the logical out of, if not fear of being alone, then the belief that they don’t deserve any better or that his behavior is their fault to begin with.
Of course for anyone on the outside looking in it’s easy to say that’s such a load of bullshit, but I doubt it’s that cut and dried from the inside.
I, thankfully, have never had the physical abuse to contend with. I also have NEVER understood why someone would give a person who abuses them another chance, but I think sometimes love just makes us do stupid things. And it doesn’t get much more stupid than that.
For whatever you did wrong in the past Pia, for whatever stupid mistakes you may have made then (and we ALL do it), you got out and moved on. You should be proud of that.
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve also found myself in abusive relationships - whether friendships, partnerships or family. It’s not easy to get out and move on. Another thing people can do - not just women, men are abused as well - is share their stories just like you did. I think one of the reasons so many people find it hard to leave is that they feel like this couldn’t be happening, and no one else will understand what they’re having to endure.
Is that the difference then? Not giving another chance. I am not familiar really with the Dunne situation.
I think it is not thinking logically is the problem. Logic dictates one should leave.
That needs to be taught in school.
Long with the fact that you can’t fix others.
My oldest cousin, a thirty-five year old physician ( I see her rarely) with three children was having some domestic issues…I heard. A few years ago. One night her husband whom was rather well known in the golf community/marketing whatever, had some kind of mad fit on seeing his son had ripped a tent which belonged to his mother. The mother had just died and there were evidently issues with all that. He went after the kid in a fit - my cousin went after him he hit her and knocker her unconscious.
The police were called , she filed charges, he was gone, and subsequently lost his job and his illustrious “Wharton school of Business” type career.
That is how you handle domestic violence in my opinion.
I almost sound Republican on this issue.
wow, thanks for sharing this. people need to be reminded that DV isn’t only a partner. i have had to have an RO against one of my brothers for the past 9 years. Of course they usually aren’t worth the paper they are written on. my brother violated mine and his ex-wifes within an hour of being released from jail for violating them both.