My house renovation blog. I was surveying my property; (my tenth or so of a very irregular acre) looked at something and began squealing. “I’m officially a Redneck. Yahoo–Mountain Dew.” Actually I didn’t put that last part in. My coming out as a Redneck made Eldin One and Bone both very happy. They’re Southern so….
I can’t remember the last time I did 3WW I should be moving, into my house, in a week or three and hope to have the mental energy and physical time to truly participate occasionally in blogging things.

Alana practiced smiling in the mirror. She wanted her smile to appear genuine but not as glowing as her normal smile. A slightly tipsy though highly functional Mona Lisa was the effect she desired. After half hour her mouth hurt but she thought she had it down. Burt’s Bees Wax applied liberally to her teeth and gums kept her lips from drying out and more importantly her mouth moist enough for her to talk normally. She didn’t want to have dry mouth this morning. No that would be almost as bad as no smile or her 100 watt one.

Fortunately nobody was in the elevator. She smiled and waved at the doormen as if she were too busy to speak to them for she was. Idly she wondered when her building would become a one doorman one, instead of two most hours. Union rules precluded a reduction in hours. About one tenth of the building residents weren’t paying their monthly charges; another 20% were becoming chronically late and none of the luxe two to five million dollar apartments for sale were moving.

It only took her 22 minutes to walk the 33 blocks south and four avenues east. Being oblivious to people she bumped into helped. Alana ran into the ladies room that didn’t look as if it belonged in the gorgeous art deco office complex. Her face wasn’t too red, but she put some more rosacea cream on. It wasn’t as if Alana had rosacea; her best friend did. Alana’s motto had always been: “you could never have too much make up or skin care products.”

Oh life, why was she going to have to change a lifetime of habits? Could she? Fortunately she still looked great in red lipstick. She had bought many Chanel reds over the years and kept them fresh in her dressing room tiny fridge. Yes she liked this affect. Pale skin, red lips, dark eyebrows and lashes. Alana knew she looked very 40′s retro.

She wondered what would happen in the auditorium the meeting was going to be held in. Would there be a ramble? No, unfortunately, the others, like her were too civilized to duke it out.

Do you call a large room with seats and a stage in an old classy complex an auditorium? The meeting notice had called it a conference room but it sat 500. The meeting was supposed to begin at ten AM. Alana arrived at 9:45, smiling her Mona Lisa type smile. The room was packed. Her sister and cousins were sitting in one of the front rows. Her cousin Tony waved frenetically at her and pointed to an empty seat next to him. Oh Tony, was he going to be a drama queen to the end?

The murmur going through the room was becoming louder and louder. Promptly at ten, her own lawyer, walked onto the stage. Hal looked so dignified with his slightly too long hair, custom made suit, Italian loafers. She remembered from the days she knew him more intimately his penchant for silk socks or no socks. Oh half the women in the room had slept with Hal and another quarter wanted to. In the end, he had been too easy for Alana. Still she was proud of him as he began to speak:
Ladies and gentlemen. The wheels of justice have been moving too slowly for you. I can’t tell you what to do or what not to do but I can present Bernie Madoff.”

As one, the formerly dignified people in the audience moved to the stage. “Yes,” Alana thought triumphantly, “we’re going to avenge the loss of our fortunes.”

I don’t live in NY anymore but am a New Yorker through and through. Bernie Madoff perpetuated the largest fraud ever, the Ponzi of Ponzi schemes. To be Madoffed is to be swindled out of your money. Some of us wish we had that excuse but nobody wants to lose their money that way. I and many people I know are overly fascinated with him. He’s so sick among his many many victims were Eli Weisel and his foundation. Not that anybody deserved… I’m so thankful for what I have left–I’m being audited and am preparing my taxes for this year. It’s very sad. Humor is the only weapon
This is the NY everybody dreams of and that sort of existed for me until the 90′s. Coincidentally I lived three blocks and two avenues from The Apthorp; it’s my favorite building and I’m a too well known customer at the Apthorp Pharmacy. Hooks you because it takes insurance and then you buy $60 candles, home perfome, body lotion. OK. Not you. Me. I couldn’t afford my five and ten dollar prescriptions anymore.
Bone wants it known that it’s a great article and the older O’Neal owns my boat basin. Yes I have a personal boat basin in Riverside Park cum cafe that we no longer eat at often as there’s a place at the 70th Street that makes great hamburgers and has sometimes incredible concerts.
Recession blogs are big.

I nominate my BFF, Lucia, for VP. She’s a hockey, uh, soccer, uh goth single mom.

One of three children of hardworking parents originally from Puerto Rico, who have gotten their reward in heaven we know, Lucia’s brother Eddie is a successful businessman. He’s blond as were two of his four wives. So he has all these adorable blond children plus adorable dark haired children from his two Italian-American wives.

Lucia’s sister, my good friend and landlady in North Myrtle, CLo is married to W who happens to be WASP. One of his sons is a civilian employee for the CIA (linguist). His other son is equally dorky but has adorable children. One has Aspergers–or so CLo thinks.

In CLo we have a true bonus, Her first husband was African American. Thus her two children have African American spouses and children. CLo was that American ideal; a mother by nineteen. Unfortunately she’s intellectually astute but that’s tempered by her love of body work. CLo believes in helping the American economy by spending as much money as possible. W, a founder of a large home supply company. is COO of a huge sports supply company. He’s on a mission to supply hockey equipment to every American, for a decent price of course.

Lucia, herself, epitomizes the American ideal. She was a girl contractor when it was a boy business so she can slug back a si_ pack like nobody you have ever seen. She’s an engineering consultant now so gosh darn it she can help e_pedite a bridge to nowhere.

Lucia swears she’ll get her reward before heaven cos….LucianaMae, the seventeen year old chippette off the old block and high school grad doing a gap year refuses to let Joey her boyfriend impregnate her. She’s said some gosh awful things about not wanting to have a child until after she’s finished grad school and worked a few years. Her plans might or might include Joey the very faithful boyfriend who follows her like a moose to icecaps. Lucia tells the chippette that God has room in his heart for all beings, and darn it, she wants a grandchild to raise spoil.

However LucianaMae’s father George has a few kids who seem to be walking on the wild side so there’s hope!!!! Gianna is nine, Nicole and Nick are ten. Their mother, Nina, a teacher , who invented that award winning course, “Global Warming: God loves to keep you warm and close to his heart” was attacked by a student and is in a vegetative state. She will get such a great reward when God sees fit to call her to heaven. No, we’re not stopping the feedings or liquid intakes. She’s as alive to us as when she was conscious.

Lucia is helping George raise the children. She finds time to visit Nina daily.

Lucia really really deserves to be VP. Though she has the misfortune of being an East Coaster, she’s a real American who encourages all the children to play hockey and soccer

I’m Lucia’s campaign manager. We’re not sure who she is running with or what the issues are but golly gee that’s half the fun. We can learn everything in just a month!!!
When there are things to be done we role up our sleeves and get the job finished. No looking back at pesky mistakes. The future is ours!!!!

America has been made by risk takers who dare not to think of yesterday but to think of the new e_citing future when everybody will be equal as everybody will have much less than most had.

Lucia’s large multi rainbow family runs onto stage. All e_cept LucianaMae who looks sullen and embarrassed rush to Lucia to kiss and hug her. I continue

The Gonzalez family e_amplify American values at its best. This is a rare single year for Lucia who believes in marriage, e_tended family, and solving problems as they happen within the family unit. And by gosh any friend soon becomes a family member.

Unfortunately non of the family will be available for interviews. Between you and me, you just never know what those wacky funny Gonzalez’s will say. We like our family to be shown–and probably we’ll let them speak after the lobotomy.

Why e_cuse me. I have just finished my third si_th pack since this morning.

American ingenuity and gumption will solve all problems.

*********I haven’t done satire in many a moon so please be gentle. On the moving front I finished everything but the change of address Apparently you can’t do it on the Internet if you’re having your mail sent to a UPS store. Who knew? As I’m used to doormen I like the UPS store cause you can rent a mail bo_ for fourteen dollars a month, and if you sign up for a year two months are free!!!! They receive packages for you and you know you’re accepted in town when the owner stops giving you strange looks and start telling you jokes.

This is my second to last Friday as a resident of this building!