Lately I feel like a stranger in an even stranger land. I’m not talking about politics; I’m talking about something much more basic.
Manners: I thought finally here’s something I excel at. Not so sure anymore.
If you’re a very large American male (say at least 250 pounds) would you put your coat down on a Long Island Railroad train, before the train leaves the station, go to the bathroom, and expect the seat to be waiting for you five minutes later?
It was a very cold day, the train was packed, and the seats were made to fit Japanese people. I’m an American woman, not huge but not small and I was wearing a down coat that I wasn’t going to take off because I’m always cold. I asked the people around if anybody knew who owned the coat. They tittered. I didn’t know how to take that but thought the open six packs of Bud Light might have had something to do with the titters.
When the man came back I knew that we both couldn’t sit there as he took up a seat and a half. I thought that it was rude and told him so. I had to stand until the train came to Jamaica twenty minutes later. This shouldn’t be a big deal, but the people around stopped tittering and went into full blown laughter. I felt totally humiliated.
If I had to go to the bathroom, I would have gone to one in the station, risked missing the train, and would have accepted not having a seat. I thought that was common courtesy, but I seem to be wrong about this as I am about so many things.
A year ago last Thanksgiving I was on the railroad. I sat in a handicapped seat because I was severely anemic, and fainted fairly often. It was the only available seat. People were saving seats, another thing that drives me crazy and I won’t do for friends in the final five minutes before the train leaves.
I was holding a fragile gift. A blind woman and her friend came. They wanted the seat. I tried explaining. I will never forget the look on the friends face as she cursed me. She told me, in no uncertain terms that if you didn’t see the disability it didn’t count, and how could I be cruel to the blind? As my mom was blind in her last decade and a half, that was especially cruel and hurt me much. But I wasn’t about to explain.
I began getting up. Because I was anemic, I could easily pass out so I got up slowly (and I do everything too fast–this would have been hard for me any other time.) And why do people think that cursing is proper? I’m not anti-cursing. I just think it sounds better when it’s done to tease. As in “you bitch.” Forget it, that’s nowhere near a curse anymore. Okay, fuckin’ a–now that’s a curse I like.
I didn’t get up fast enough. Both women were now yelling at me. The whole car stopped talking as I was obviously getting up but wanted to make sure that I held the gift properly. And damn it I was dizzy.
I know; I know, I had no right being on a crowded train. But how else was I supposed to get there? This was a temporary problem, but I began noticing the problems of the hidden disabled. What are people who have physical problems that don’t show supposed to do?
Today, I was in a supermarket. The person before me had left her cart, to get “a few things.” She came back with a full cart and began yelling because I (who was just behind her) put my stuff on the conveyor belt near the register. The cashier agreed that I was right but….
Often, lately, I see couples–one will stand on line with a full cart; the other will come back, with a full cart, just as the first person gets to the head of the line. I don’t get it. Am I out of touch with modern society?
Then there’s my big issue: bike riders who insist on riding on spaces clearly marked for walking. And why do bike riders get preference everywhere over walkers?
I have a horrible habit of saying “I’m sorry,” even if a person bumps into me. My friends constantly point out that I wasn’t the one to do the bumping, but still it comes out. This gives the person who bumped into me license to yell at me.
I used to think that these were New York problems. But they’re not; they’re everywhere.
I believe that manners are important; I believe in many ways they are the bedrock of a society. But the manners that I have practiced all my life aren’t the norm anymore. I become angry and it takes every bit of self control for me not to yell.
People seem to think that it’s fine to be late for dinner appointments and other things. Everybody has a cell. Do they use it if they’re going to keep you waiting for an hour? Yes they use it to take pictures of everything that they pass. I’ve dropped those people from my life and I’m a happier calmer person.
I don’t yell. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. These are the things people seem to be killed over lately.
I think that my lifespan is going to be shorter than it should be. I try not personalizing; I try ignoring people. I wear a fake smile for so long that my mouth hurts.
Maybe if we spent a little less time focusing on moral values and a little more time focusing on human decency, we’d live in a country where people could see past politics and religion.
I don’t know maybe it is me. Maybe I’m supposed to always be the last in line. Maybe trying to be considerate is so yesterday
I’ve never really been on a train, but I wouldn’t have expected the seat to be mine when I got back. If you go away like that, then you can’t always expect things to be just right when you come back.
I can’t believe that woman said that if you couldn’t see the disability that it didn’t count. Actually, I can. I used to get the rudest looks from people because I had to ride the elevator in middle and high school. Only people who had disabilities were allowed to ride the elevator, and people looked at me and didn’t see a disability. All they saw was a fat girl. Some people actually would say that I was only using it because I was lazy, but I had a doctor’s letter saying I couldn’t use the stairs because of joint problems. No one could see the problems, though.
hey great blog.. i’ve only been bloggin like 3 moths..anyways later
hi,
I too ride the LIRR, people have no damn manners at all! As far as the disabled thing goes, you should have said you have a disability people can’t see as well. what if you did faint? They would have freaked. My grandfather was blind, so i know there was no reason the blind person and her friend shouldn’t have stood up. I’m sorry you had to go thru that, and all the other stuff.
~~tastykeish
I too have a hidden disability. So does my daughter. (She has asthma and I have severe back and hip problems, but use no walker or cane.)
And what was wrong with everyone ELSE that they couldn’t give the blind woman a seat? Idiots.
There is very little human decency in this world. People nowadays expect to get all sorts of praise and recognition for doing things that any decent human being should gladly do! Why should you have to make a huge deal out of someone giving up a seat or thank someone endlessly for being nice to you when it’s something they should do to begin with.
Anyway, I feel your pain and I agree.
You’re right, those problems do exist everywhere, but over the last five years I have lived in Indiana, Southern California, New York, and Arizona. It’s worse in NY. I’m so glad to be back in the Southwest!
What you describe is the same thing that causes road rage. Now days everyone is so self involved that no one else counts.
This post was excellent. You really expressed how so many people feel, but don’t say. Thank you for writing this. I,too, am sorry you were subjected to this bullshit. Some people think the world owes them. There is no compassion anymore, and people are down right rude.
Found you via Blog Explosion, and will be back again.
-J
W Ketchup
Get some here
Uncle Jack
I completely agree with your comments about ‘the hidden disabled’. I suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome for many years, and will always remember asking for help to pack my shopping in the supermarket – the cashier looked me up and down and said “What’s wrong with you? Why do you need help?”.
I would say that it is a New York problem – but had I been in the situations, I would have handled them differently. I’m from Staten Island, so I know what a dog-eat-dog world can be. I live just outside D.C. now, and it’s not near as bad here as it was there even 20 years ago. Of course, it’s nowhere near as crowded either.
With the coat, I’d have picked it up and thrown it over a hand-bar and sat in the seat. When the guy came back I would have ignored him, as if I had found the seat that way. Of course, this takes the realization that no other passenger is going to get involved to tell the guy I moved his coat.
In the first instance, I don’t think that blindness trumps anemia. Being blind doesn’t mean that you’ll fall down if you’re not sitting. Once I explained that I was anemic to the blind woman (or her companion), I would have just turned away. What’s she going to do, attack me? Let the blind lady scream and curse all she wants, no way is she going to win in a fist fight.
Of course, I’m a guy – so obviously there’s some difference in the testosterone levels involved.
I feel the same way. Impoliteness is the new polite 🙂
By the way, Heinz Ketchup. Get some here.
I think the answer is “get the hell out of New York.” I ride the metrorail in Houston all the time and have seen nothing but courteous people. You’re welcome in the Lone Star State anytime!
Your article on manners, or the lack thereof in American society, is quite good. There is a distinct lack of manners in American society nowadays, and it’s getting worse.
I used to work in retail, a bookstore specifically, and I absolutely despised the people would would be chatting on their cell phones while they tried to checkout. There were some cases where I would simply ignore them… I knew my manager had my back (she hated the behavior more than them), and I figured if they were going to ignore me, I was allowed to ignore them. And quite frankly, that’s not the type of customer our store wanted to preserve as a customer anyway.
The other thing you touch on is people being late for dinner and meetings. That drives me nutes… In my daily life I attend quite a few company meetings, and there isn’t a single one where someone doesn’t walk in late, or someone isn’t chatting on a cell phone in the middle of the meeting. A lot of the time, it’s the same person.
Good article… it’s nice to see there’s someone out there who still thinks manners matter.
Two comments:
1)The blind woman’s companion got mad because there ARE people out there who WILL fake a disability to take the “advantages” of disabilities (like parking spaces)
2) someone else mentioned that it was like a world of road rage. I say it all comes down to the automobile. People are anonymous in cars, and don’t have to worry about reprecussions when they cut someone else off. That behavior is spilling out into the everyday world. Usually, though, you can shame someone into doing the right thing, especially if you’re not a participant in the conflict. I often do this, much to my husband’s chagrin. He’s convinced someone will shoot me someday.
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Excellent post. Manners are a dying art. They shouldn’t be for anyone.
I’ve worked for many years with disabled people, visible and hidden. The attitudes of those towards hidden disabilities is often as repugnant as the verbal picture you so aptly paint here.-
Green-Eyed Lady
It definitely sounds like it’s gotten rude in the states. I haven’t been back since 1999, and haven’t lived stateside since 1987, but am returning in a few weeks for a vacation. If I bump into you I’ll say I’m sorry. P.S. I don’t have a cell phone.