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Symphony for Cigarettes

April 12, 2005 By pia

I want a cigarette. It’s all I can think about. It’s stupid, I know. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one. I can walks two blocks to the corner news stand and spend most of ten dollars on a pack I will throw out after lighting one and taking two puffs. It might be worth it.

I will be reminded that I had oral surgery on Saturday, and had an attack of small airway disease three weeks ago that has really just abated.

I was diagnosed with that later condition years ago but always managed to stave off an attack by taking good care of myself.

I have never been physically addicted to cigarettes; mental addictions are so much worse.

I haven’t eaten solid foods in three days, though the surgeon said I could today. Just not bagels–ha ha.

I’m gunshy about eating foods.

Then why do I crave a cigarette so badly?

Yesterday instead of watching Lifetime TV for Women or something equally innane, I wrote. I’m a compulsive writer. It’s not a good thing.

Last night and today instead of writing for myself, I found myself answering the same questions over and over again to the same two people on one of my team blogs. It began to piss me off. They’ll never understand my thoughts and I’ll never understand theirs.

I don’t understand moral absolutists who feel superior to me because they have God and good values, and I’m a Godless person incapable of argument because I don’t have a central basis for my values, but have picked up my values through reading, discussion, and from my family. All my years of schooling, all my carefully thought out reasoning doesn’t count. Oh yes, I’m totally aware how stupid this sounds.

I had to cancel a dinner invitation–second in four days becasue I was feeling weak and was scared to eat. I shouldn’t have been on the computer, I should have taken a break, but I’m an Internet junkie and a fool for blogging.

And I want a cigarette so much I can taste it.

My mood is horrible. My mind is racing to some other planet. I don’t know where this sudden urge to have a cigarette came from. It feels like a compulsion.

I’m sick of my apartment; sick of problems with my computers; sick of people who think God gives them validity;sick of people who believe that God gives their theories wisdom.

I’m sick of being psychoanalayzed by half the people on the Internet–don’t worry; i’m not a narcissist with delusions of importance. People just love to analyze me.

And I was so happy–perky even, Lucia said, this morning. But right now:

I just want one hit–I mean one puff off a cigarette. That’s all. One little puff and then I can take on the world.

Is one little puff of a cigarette too much to ask for? Yes it is.

I can take on the world tomorrow

After all I will be a better person for not giving into ungodly tempation.

Just one puff–it sounds so inviting–just one puff can lead to another. oh stop this Pia you’re not an tabacoo, anti drug ad. Yes I am.

Welcome to round 67,000 of my fight with myself. Some urges never go away. No they really don’t.

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Comments

  1. RisibleGirl says

    April 12, 2005 at 6:52 am

    I’m so glad that I never really got into smoking. Funny thing is that every once in a while I smoke a few puffs of Hubby’s cig (usually when I’ve had too much to drink) and he HATES it when I do that. That happens about twice a year. I dunno, I just seem to *want* one. I think that’s just weird.

    But, I don’t think about it on a regular basis. Hubby is addicted and has tried to quit many times. I wish he would because his dad died two months ago from emphysema (sp?) . I don’t want to see him go through that same struggle.

  2. mrsmogul says

    April 12, 2005 at 1:43 pm

    No no don’t do it! I gave my husband a hard time about it and his father now has Emphysema! So stay cool and chew gum..

  3. jmfausti says

    April 13, 2005 at 9:12 pm

    My aunt quit smoking years before I did. I have never looked back. She, on the other hand, continues to believe that smoking is the greatest thing on earth. She loves to be around smokers and follows anyone out for a smoke break. She also is convinced that if she were ever to smoke again, the first cigarette would be the worst thing ever, making her dizzy and nauseous, but the second one would be like heaven.

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About Me

I live in the South, not South Florida, a few blocks from the ocean, and two blocks from the main street. It's called Main Street. Amazes me too.

I'm from New York. I mostly lived in the Mid-Upper East Side, and the heart of the Upper West Side. It amazes me when people talk about how scared they were of Times Square in the 1970's and 1980's.

As my mother said: "know the streets, look out and you'll be fine."

What was scary was the invasion of the crack dens into "good buildings in good 'hoods." And the greedy landlords who did everything they could to get good tenants out of buildings.

I'm a Long Island girl, and proud of it now.
Then I hated everything about the suburbs. Yet somehow I lived in a few great Long Island Sound towns after high school.

Go to archives "August 2004" if you want to begin with the first posts.

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