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Blind Faith

May 31, 2005 By pia

You’re tired of seeing your name all over the Internet. It’s a badge of honor but you don’t like paying for the crime of being liberal. All your friends in the real world think that the Internet is a surreal world filled with slime, people with secrets, people who have things to hide, people who are trying new identities, and people who belong nowhere.

You disagree but lately it feels as if you haven’t been living your life for you. There are always people who want to exchange e-mails, people who want you to communicate with them. People who keep an active interest in your blog. A very active interest in your blog. They confuse the person in the stories with the person who is writing them; they honestly think that they know you. They don’t know what you left out or how you laugh or why people love or hate you. You’re not getting paid for any of this; you have reached the saturation point. They confuse amount of comments received with other things that are more important to you such as well, writing.

Over the holiday weekend you just wanted a weekend away from Internet intrigue because frankly it’s draining, and more often than not tangential to your goals. You received an e-mail accusing you of all sorts of things, and first you tried to understand; now you’re just angry that your weekend was interrupted by writing in your blog and doing blog related things you didn’t want to do.

When you first began you made a pact with yourself to be honest. That doesn’t mean to divulge the most intimate details of your life–so you have no idea how the cow–not an e-mail–something you ran across–would know if you faked orgasms or not. Actually that was funny. No you’re not angry about that at all.

You’re angry at something much more basic. The false sense of intimacy the Internet or blogging sets itself up for. You tried to be friendly with a person who asked for your friendship based on blind faith. That is, you were supposed to divulge details of your life, and this person after a try out period of god knows how long might divulge details. At first you misunderstood. You’ve always been good at reading people, but in life, not on a false blank screen where people could be whoever they want to be. And you’ve always given people the benefit of the doubt.

But one night this person IM’d you. It had been a long day, and the person didn’t even ask if it was a good time–it wasn’t. Then the person asked if you were on medication because you couldn’t keep up with the scattered stupid conversation nor did you want to. You thought that the person was turned off to you, or you hoped so.

Then you went on vacation that turned into ten days of hell; trying the entire time to breathe, for the first time in your life you were honestly scared about your health. When you came home you were sicker and found out that you have a form of asthma. You were exhausted. On your vacation you checked your e-mail at least twice a day despite a laptop that was on life-support of a sort. You wrote four posts because it was Terri time and that’s something you have professional expertise in.

You should have taken the sick computer as a sign and not rushed to replace her. But you did; and that person came running back into your life accusing you of ignoring e-mails that you had honestly not received. He/she/it sent you accusatory e-mails, but you replied and that too was stupid. It’s as if this person is a child and believes that if he/she isn’t included in everything, nothing is happening.

Or how could you not be in touch when you don’t have a spouse or kids? To this person you have no excuses; no life; no obligations outside an Internet centered life–when in fact it’s one aspect of your life. Sometimes since you’ve been on the Internet you think it is a sick medium that leads people to think that your life is the words you put down on paper. Words are subject to much interpretation; can need nuance; can need balance; can need an objective balance; can need so much more than the keystrokes show. You’re good with manipulating words, but you’re fallible. To be human is to be imperfect. You have never pretended to be anything else.

Yet it seems as if this person has read every word you’ve written in your blog. Your blog is for public consumption. Your blog reflects certain feelings you feel at the moment; your blog is about certain parts of your past; certain parts of your present. But your blog is not you. Your blog purposely doesn’t talk about certain people who have been important to making you, you. It doesn’t talk about certain activities that were pivotal to your life. Your blog is not a living breathing person.

Most of your life people have put you into categories you don’t want to be in. You used to feel like the bride atop the wedding cake–all perfect to look at and show–but the cake will melt or be eaten; the showpiece will lose an arm, get mangled and someday be lost unless perfectly preserved–and even human technology hasn’t allowed humans to do that yet. You are glad about that.

Now the person sent you a venomous e-mail you’ve already answered in large part in other posts. But who does this person think he/she is? there was the–“you used to be popular and now you’re not. I get X-Y amount of comments a day and you don’t.” Was that supposed to endear you to him/her?

This person is a functional adult? You know ten year olds with much more maturity. Ten year olds who think before hurting. Sometimes they hurt unintentionally. You hurt people, but never out of venom; never because you want to let the person know how much you hate her. Or want her, which makes you feel even sicker.

You’re not a comment whore. You know plenty of ways that you could get many comments if you wanted to. You could write less; pad comments with your own, answer every comment you’ve received–you want to do that really–but you’ve been overwhelmed. You could spend your spare time visiting blogs and commenting on each one. But that’s not what you’ve been looking for. Honestly lately you have no idea what your blog is becoming; honestly half the time you don’t care. You have other priorities; a life to live. You do wonder why some people take so much interest in your thoughts. You’re not a celebrity; you’ve done nothing noteworthy with your life.

You also feel invaded; it’s one thing for people who are right wingers to do it, though why they would be so interested in you is behind your understanding; but when a person with no political motive does it-it’s called something else entirely.

Your aim has never been Internet popularity; though you have it. Much more than this person knows. Sometimes when you have commented on a post that moved you, you’ve seen this person’s comments. So needy; so come to my house and leave me a comment.

The person then analyzed your writing and how it much it has declined. And this person is__________? You have no idea because the person won’t give any details. No you’re expected to accept things on blind faith and you can’t. Life is hard enough. This was supposed to be fun. It’s not anymore. Out of curiosity you read through your blog. There are posts that aren’t great, but there are some recent ones that leave you a bit in awe of yourself. Very few, but still, they work better than you had thought that they would.

You’ve read some of the person’s posts. They are needy also, begging for comments; begging for people to say “I like you; I like you. No wait a sec, I love you; I adore you.”

You’re tired of the politics behind everything; tired of politics. You want a real vacation; one where you won’t be sick and the sun will be out. You have to navigate everything by yourself because as the person points out you are alone. That’s supposed to make you self absorbed and many other not nice things. The person has written on the e-mail that nothing said should repeated. At the end of the email there is a homemade copyright thing. Hello. Would you ever want to repeat any of it word by word? Do people really think that they can send nasty e-mails and not have it responded it to?

You won’t give this person any power and this post is the if-you-dare-email-me-or-say-one-negative-thing-about-me to anybody outside your family, you (as in not me) will be outed, by you (as in me).

By saying this I’m taking away the power you implied with your words; and your copyright at the end. Is that person so naive as to believe that intellectual property laws are clearly defined re the Internet? Is that person so naive to believe that anything that isn’t on Adobe can’t be copied and pasted?

Not that I have any desire to do that. The words weren’t original. They were threats. And I won’t be threatened. No I haven’t come this far to let some blogger threaten me because he/she saw more than there was in our exchanges and is angry because I haven’t commented on its blog.

There’s nothing left to say. I want off this roller-coaster where roles are still being defined and I’m not sure of mine. I want sun. And the sun is shining; so adios.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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Mysteries of youth »

Comments

  1. Nameless Blogger says

    May 31, 2005 at 11:11 pm

    Perfect. I have never read something so wonderfully perfect. Good luck on finding what you’re looking for.

  2. cooper says

    June 1, 2005 at 8:13 am

    Your lucky the only emails I get are frm mothers saying they want their daughter to be me and then calling me slut or guys askingme if that is my ass in my icon.

  3. alice says

    June 1, 2005 at 12:44 pm

    I guess I’ve been lucky so far … I haven’t gotten any negativity, just occasional immaturity.

    I’ve felt pressure at some points where I felt that I needed to write. I was responsible for people reading.

    Then I woke up and realized, write what interests me. Whatever comes after that…

    I hope you enjoyed the sun lots!!! -=)

  4. schuey says

    June 1, 2005 at 2:37 pm

    pfff… ranting about how difficult it is to be popular… Poor you. There’s a french saying that goes :”you want the butter, and the money of the butter”. Deal with it…

  5. Benjamin Solah says

    June 1, 2005 at 6:50 pm

    wow, are you gone? I hope not I like your blog. ppl can be so stupid sometimes, the only bad things said to me are immature ones. Fuck this guy off and forget ’bout him.

  6. Pia says

    June 1, 2005 at 7:02 pm

    Thanks nameless, cooper, alice, benjamin–very very much. Not going anywhere.

    no, schuey this wasn’t about the horrors of being popular. it was about people expecting you to be the person they see–not the real you

    Which is okay usually but life’s not a blog

  7. Richard says

    June 2, 2005 at 12:36 pm

    I recently wrote a post which I called “What did they do before” where I wondered about the people who lived on and through the internet. It’s like one of those clubs Grucho Marx warned us about being a member of: “I don’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member” Which is sort of funny, but really kind of sad too.
    I’ve hesitated about getting involved with the internet, too many people I’ve known turn into these things who start talking in some stupid/cute language that probably makes them fell important, but actually makes them sound illitarate, but like you I needed a way to work on my writing.
    I found this blog thing cool for that because it allow me to write without caring about the result. It ain’t art, it’s just ranting and no one is reading it anyway.
    But I’ve fallen into the trap, again, of getting caught up in the “blogging trip” worrying about getting my numbers up etc. So all that’s happened is that I’ve ignored my work… turned into an excuse not tow write what’s really important to me.
    Do what you need to do for yourself and you own no one but yourself an explantation.
    gypsyman

  8. trine says

    June 6, 2005 at 10:35 pm

    Hi Pia,
    This is a great post and I am so sorry to hear it’s been this bad. whoever this person is is hopefully having a long hard look at him/her-self and realising what a stupid game is being played.
    I read your blog all the time (lurking, sorry!), and no, i don’t always agree with you, but I respect this as your space and your opinions and if nothing they are *always* well informed and interesting.
    I suppose my own blog is too boring to encourage any kind of extreme reactions 😉 but i have got the odd immature, uninformed and judgemental comment and email, so i know how it feels. Good luck in finding out what you want, but i hope you won’t stop (sorry i am selfish!) 😉
    trine

  9. Lil Kis says

    June 7, 2005 at 5:25 am

    ok well i would like to know how to do this….
    I want previous/next page buttons on my blog near the bottom of the blog but I don’t know hot to put them on my blogsite so can someone help mne plz? Thanks

    if you know how then could you go on my blogsite and post in my forum letting me know how to do it? my blogsite is http://www.kiseverything.blogspot.com

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About Me

I live in the South, not South Florida, a few blocks from the ocean, and two blocks from the main street. It's called Main Street. Amazes me too.

I'm from New York. I mostly lived in the Mid-Upper East Side, and the heart of the Upper West Side. It amazes me when people talk about how scared they were of Times Square in the 1970's and 1980's.

As my mother said: "know the streets, look out and you'll be fine."

What was scary was the invasion of the crack dens into "good buildings in good 'hoods." And the greedy landlords who did everything they could to get good tenants out of buildings.

I'm a Long Island girl, and proud of it now.
Then I hated everything about the suburbs. Yet somehow I lived in a few great Long Island Sound towns after high school.

Go to archives "August 2004" if you want to begin with the first posts.

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