A rant: don’t do them much anymore: For more fun reading scroll to the next posts
There’s a lesson for the high school graduates of today. When all is said and done, the most important part of your legacy will be the kind of kids you raised. It’s the only thing that will matter to you – or to anyone else.
This was in an op-ed piece in the San Diego Union-Tribune by Rueben Navarrette, Jr. I sent him an email thanking him for confirming my worst fear. Childless, so what will my legacy be? Obviously I’m a zilch to him.
I’m sorry but I just looked at the quote in print, and it is so stupid I can’t believe that I felt the need to answer it. But since he’s a columnist in the largest paper in California’s second largest city obviously people read him. I hope that he understands how unfeeling and sick that looks. Now I will go on…
The thing is that you never know how your children will turn out. When I was growing up our neighbors had three children; two were leaders in school and became very successful; the third is a career criminal. Our neighbors had to move in the middle of the night and not leave a return address as David would pick the locks and rob them of everything. Three children raised in the same house by the same parents with the same amount of attention and love. Is there legacy going to be the two great kids or the one bad one?
What happens if you have a disabled child, or a child that’s injured in an accident? Oh but that’s not what he meant. Of course those parents will have a wonderful legacy; they had such a difficult time raising those children. But he didn’t say that.
Mr. Navaratte was talking about his 20th high school reunion. He said that when he went to his tenth people were still establishing themselves, and from the article didn’t seem to be parents yet. That sweet faced adorable ten year old girl, who seems so happy and filled with potential. Then her hormones kick in, and despite the best parenting in the world, she turns to heroin. Won’t happen, you say. Can’t happen to a child raised in a great home with loving parents who know how to establish boundaries, limitations, and are religious. Sure does happen. Even (gasp, shock) among home schooled kids.
I am so tired of the smug superiority of parents who know everything. When I was with Zachary I made a concious decision not to have children. Neither he nor I were ready to be parents. He wanted children; they would help save him from further despair and hurt. I might have been young but I wasn’t a fool.
Later I had other opportuntities to become a parent. Thank god for birth control. I knew that I had a tendency to pick unstable though beautiful and bright men. Despite what my therapist de jour said, I didn’t think that it reflected well on my maturity. My next fiancee took me to where his father had killed himself. We had to cross a creek and a hill to get to the exact spot. He hadn’t told me where we going or why. I just stood there open mouthed and speechless. Though I had suspected that this relationship wasn’t going to last, I knew at that moment that it was over.
My best friend’s marriage to the father of her child was over by the time Little Luce was three. I can’t and won’t imagine the world without Little Luce, but I know how hard life has been for Lucia. She has struggled so that Little Luce could live the life of a priveleged city child. I’m not talking private schools, and sleep away camp, expensive clothes and vacations. Tutoring, braces, even going to museums and the movies–it all adds up. Lucia has given up much of her social life, vacations, and many other things so Little Luce can have.
I never wanted to be a single parent. Call me selfish, but I always knew how hard it would be. I never needed a child to define me or to make me feel complete. When I was an SSI Claims Rep, I kept a picture of Little Luce on my desk and claimed her as mine so I wouldn’t have to listen to claimaints tell me how incomplete my life was without children. Yes, I could have answered them rather rudely, but I didn’t want to. Yes I could have declared the subject off limits, but I worked in a bad neighborhood in the Bronx during drive-by-shooting days. The only thing that the women had was their children and I wasn’t going to take their pride away anymore than it had been or was taken away by different agencies.
I might be selfish but I’m not unstable. I don’t think that having a child would have made more mature, more selfless, more wonderful, more productive, or happier. I’m not denying the joy a child might have added. As an adoptee, I know giving birth isn’t the mark of a mother; I know that fathers add imeasurably to a family.
But our legacies will be based on our accomplishments; our compassion; what we did to to help make the world or a little corner of it better. Our legacies are based on our total lives, and how our kids ended up, well, many times they became brain surgeons despite our awful parenting, or career criminals despite our great parenting.
Well said!
We’ve been chatting this weekend about what we are going to do with our lives if the adoption agency don’t approve us … and our conclusion was “LOADS of stuff!”.
Tonight I am heading to see some family friends that are a couple, never married and never had children. They are in their 60’s and 70’s. Not everyone wants to have kids and of course you didn;t want to be a single parent! You can be blog aunt Pia if you want with mine! (I can;t wait to put up the scan for tomorrow!!)
So true.
People don’t need kids to be complete. And many parents never should have gotten into the parenting business to begin with.
Life is what you want to make of it, and you have to determine what you want create with your time on the planet.
you speak wise words.
I think it is hard being in this world where if you have a kid early (like me) you get comments non stop and if you chose not to have kids altogether you get equal amounts of hassle.
I totally understand you not wanting to be a single parent. The longer I have Helene the more i wonder how i\d cope on my own. NO WAY!
no regrets! live life your way!
Well said
Great post, as usual. There are many very successful, productive, people that don’t have children. How about Oprah, for one. Wealthy, respected, social change agent by most accounts. We can love and encourage and mentor the children in different ways when we’re not the parent. As an aunt to three teens, I can say without a doubt that I get the “dirt” before my sister sometimes and can offer advice and gently guide instead of banning their cell phones. : )
Great posting.
Totally agree. While I hope to have kids someday, it should not be the only legacy you could leave. Thanks for posting.
Pia, what about a long lost child from your days in Cambridge?
And many people end up physically unable to conceive children. Why hold that against someone?
You are so right. It figures a MAN would say that the only legacy someone could leave is children.
How about all the brilliant childless thinkers, philosophers and inventors?
You’re not selfish. You’re smart.
He’s the ignorant one.
http://mooirkeyll.blog-city.com
As usual, you get right to the heart of the matter.
Gosh, that guy’s ignornant!
And how many badly behaved children are there running around destroying things? What kind of “legacy” is that, huh?
I have one child, about to turn 11. She’s in about the same space in her head as I was when I was about 14. I’m VERY afraid.
About the only thing I KNOW that I did right as a mother, was making the decision to not have any more children. Don’t get me wrong; I love my daughter, and I wouldn’t trade a minute of my life as her mom. But this is the hardest job I’ve ever had to do. There is no training (just busy-bodied harassment from “natural-born parents” – if these people knew what they’re kids were pulling off behind their backs…!), the pay sucks (right out of my bank account and into her piggybank/education fund/keeping a roof over her head, etc.), and I CAN’T QUIT. Heck, I can’t even take a vacation.
If she turns to heroin, I’ll probably end up right in line behind her….
Lord, I hope I’m not judged by my son, he’s a bum who won’t work and doesn’t pay child support. But he does spend lots of time with his son, so maybe that counts. I think you hit the perfect answer. We are responsible for ourselves and should be judged by who we are.
You make a good point. Too many parents try to define themselves or redress their own lives’ failures by living vicariously through their kids; never a good idea.
Assuredly many of this world’s problems would be eased if people engaged in family planning. This includes understanding why they want children.
Regarding legacies, I’m still trying to determine their meaning and worth.
Hear, hear!
I’m tired of people treating me like a social leper because I’m 32, unmarried with no kids. I’m tired of worrying about what society thinks I should be doing at each stage of my life. Why do I need to leave a “legacy”? Why can’t I just leave this Earth knowing that I lived life on my own terms and that there are people who love me that aren’t my children. I’m not saying I don’t want children, but I think too many people have them for the wrong reasons.
So true! Love your blog!
Argh! I hate this kind of thinking!
I have four children, so you’d think I’d be all poised to feel self-satisfied on this count, but that column looks stupid from my end, too. What’s he thinking?
So, if I do my job right (according to him) I’ll end up leaving the world 4 great humans. They’ll then create more great humans if all goes as he theorizes. They won’t really be important, either, they’ll merely exist to create another generation. Don’t any of us count in our own right?
By this man’s reasoning, we should not stand in awe of the works of Michelangelo, because his art is secondary to his REAL legacy, his children. Ooookay.
I hope and pray my kids turn out to be fabulous human beings. But I will still be *me* when they’re grown. I won’t have poured myself into them like a pitcher pouring water into cups, leaving myself empty.
The columnist’s analogy takes away our uniqueness and humanity, and reduces us all merely into vessels to carry future generations forth, generations who ultimately won’t matter any more that we do…
I have two kids and I’d really hate to think that this guy is right. That’s too much pressure.
My take: a lesson to high school graduates —– if you do have children do not put all your stock in them, do Not make their life yours, they are not your life and are not your legacy( that’s a terrible thing to put on a child anyway). Make your assignment if you choose to have children it is to birth them. love them a little but not to smother them and then slowly let them go, that legacy shit is why they are all so fucked at this time. They are not your legacy, make your own friggin legacy, one that does not come from your womb. Really this is where the world has gone so wrong.
High School grads should be told that they need to worry about the global world we now live in and how to get our country out of the hands of the neo fascists.
Love Cooper
Nice message, yet again Pia. Unfortunately, most will be forgotten but for a few exceptional human beings who make an indellilble mark (for better or worse) on our communities. I’m thinking of Lance Armstrong right now. He was the product of a single parent household, but really is an inspiration. On the other hand, the number of negative examples is too long to list.
When it gets down to it, our legacy is how many people we raise up or teach – it doesn’t matter if these people are offspring or other people’s children. A person can be a role model for anyone (postive, hopefully). I am in favor of changing (for the better) my corner of the world and making that corner as big as possible.
No doubt, as you blog, so too shall you.
I’m with Windspike, and maybe that gives the San Diego commenter an out, in the sense that ALL meaningful lives help the next generation, and I do think our culture neglects its children, despite paying lipservice to childcare. Maybe what we need are more childless adults who help both directly, by spelling overwhelmed parents, and indirectly, by building strong communities.
Have I told you lately that I love you? Our legacy is the difference we make in people’s lives and you’ve made a difference in mine.
To do is to be. Don’t sweat it.
every single article i’ve read by reuben navarette is a joke. that guys a class A dimwit!