For months I have been too myopic to see that the books I have been trying to write really are contained in Courting. The posts need to be reworked, refined, ordered and edited, but that’s part of the thrill of the writing process to me. That was the part I forgot about when I was being constantly published and didn’t have the time to rework things to my satisfication.
Working on Courting so intensively has retrained my eyes to focus on what needs to be said, and leave the rest out, unless I’m in the mood to ramble. I will be going back to Bring it on! on 8/27, a bit earlier than I had thought, but there are a lot of things that I need to say and don’t feel comfortable saying in Courting.
Yesterday was Courting’s first anniversary, though it remained in an incubator for many months, and, on Friday night, I wrote a long post about all that I had learned from the Radical Right in the past year, and then took it out because it doesn’t really belong here. I’m refreshed with a tinge of emotional exhaustion because I was constantly writing and/or doing things while away which is great, but I think I need a day or two away from the computer.
Thanks for the comments about how cluttered Courting looks; I have been thinking the same thing and am going to widen the center column, make fonts larger, and change the pink colored links as they’re too hard to read.
My family reunion was incredible, and most of you know my policy; if I have nothing bitchy to say about something that just happened, I won’t say it. However…
The reunion really came about because one family member who had been lost to us for reasons not of his own making, died, and another family member was found.
Okay let me do a true confession thing: my parents had been very anxious and made everything into a world crisis, even if it just entailed the four of us. I knew it was a wrong but would pick up their anxiety. While I have spent the past two decades trying to lessen the anxiety that they transmitted onto me, I slip at times. Horrible isn’t it, how even after their deaths I can still blame them for certain problems. The truth is that they were wonderful, knew that they were transmitting the bad along with the good, and wanted so much not to. Now it’s up to me to fix the problems. This weekend helped immensely.
It was overwhelming to see so many people I hadn’t seen in years, and other people I had never met who looked so much like my parents’s generation; gone now, but never forgotten.
Though I’m adopted I have always felt that my parents’s families were mine, also. It’s them I share a history with; it’s them I could look at movies taken before I was born, recognize and know well the people on the screen. One of my great uncles died when I was five; I’m told we adored each other. For some reason I don’t remember him personally, but my father told so many stories about him, I felt that I knew him well.
We’re a family that admires outlaws and non-conformists; I could really see it yesterday, and it made me feel vindicated, because I have never tried out for a saint award. Just won’t happen in this lifetime.
I know my mother’s immediate family well. We didn’t really know her other relatives As she had three siblings: a brother and two very complicated sisters that was enough. Though my father took me to meet my great aunt (I think) who managed The Marlin Hotel on West Eighth Street when I was a junior in high school. She invited me to live there anytime I wanted to. Dylan had lived there; it would have been cool, but my dad hustled me out so fast I couldn’t even say thank you. By the time I was a senior I knew enough people who lived in the East Village not to need my family, and the offer was lost somewhere in the back of my head. My father had been the person to keep up with my mother’s family.
Though he had an amazing amount of friends, family was everything to him. Yesterday I could see why; not from the perspective of a kid or a young adult, but as me. Unfortunately the jet lag really hit. I had stayed up until 3:30 writing Friday night. Maybe I had a total of ten hours sleep since Tuesday.
I wasn’t as articulate as I should have been at the reunion because I was so jet lagged and in need of a decent night’s sleep.
This is a vanity post; mostly written for my own need to explain my feelings to myself, and I have reached the point where I need an audience for that.
I don’t really like talking about things that I’m currently doing, so sometimes I tell a story from my past that in someway(s) matches my day, my mood, my feelings so that I can work things out without including the guilty (oh that’s usually me.) I am going to make myself do two or three tourist type things a week, and will write about them as that’s the only way I know that I will live up to my own promise to me.
While I’m finishing somethings I should have had finished by now, I will probably be putting in back to Zach fragments–just love that phrase though not the nickname, and, what a surprise, other things. I would say that I might not post every day, but I know me. I will be posting at least five times a week.
The Buddhists believe that we all end up with the family that we are meant to be with for this life time, or so my hippie Buddhist Aunt , my mother’s youngest sister, always tells me. Think I found out yesterday that she and the Buddhists are right. Do have some amazing childhood memories of a town upstate that I felt like we owned; and some new memories to put in the digital mind recorder.
In my case upbringing so much outweighs genes, except in the big thigh department.
And the anxiety? It’s been lessening through the years. I know that would have my parents happier than almost anything. Almost being, fave sis and I having an adult relationship, we do; and yesterday where family ties were affirmed. My parents didn’t let the world see their anxiety; just me and my sister. Really want to ask them why they were so anxious when they had such great lives.
But I think I know the answer; in their secret hearts they thought everything would be taken away from them.
Really really want to believe in an afterlife so that I could share this with them, but the thing about living in your heart…It suffices.