What happens when people’s trust in you is violated for one reason or another? This happened awhile ago; nothing to do with anybody on the Internet, but it has haunted me.
I had a friend that I had stopped really trusting or caring about. Something about her was totally off; she drove Rafe insane who is usually the last person to be annoyed by peoples quirks. I mean he’s my other best friend, besides Lucia who liked her but found something not right,
I got Allyson, not her real name, a job for a friend in a completely different social circle. Allison knows all the people involved though not well.
Allyson is an actress and apparently a better one than I had thought. Though I knew her to be a drama queen I didn’t realize that she would pretend I had told her certain things because she wanted the information that I hadn’t given her. The truly funny and sad thing is I don’t even remember what she wanted to know; just that it was unimportant; I never told her anything, and it cost me two friends and four more good acquaintainces.
I was loyal to her when my other friend, the one I really like, confronted me. It was very awkward, and I didn’t really know what to do.
Later, I asked Allyson why she had done what she did.
“I was really curious. Does it matter? It was just in fun.”
“No, Allyson, it wasn’t fun. It cost me friendships.”
“Then they weren’t real friendships.”
Not a good answer. Later Allyson picked a fight with me and I broke off the friendship because it had been so unrewarding, and as time went on I began to realize how much those friendships, and contacts to be frank, had meant to me.
Then I began my blog which has felt like a full time job at times, and I thought about it as little as possible. But I feel a need to resolve this, and to explain. But I think it might be too late; it was over a year ago.
If anybody has any advice, I am open to suggestions.
Pia, I don’t do well with unsettled or unresolved issues either. I don’t see the harm in reaching out to the friends, acquaintences, contacts that you lost on account of Allyson and explaining to them just what you wrote here.
I know how badly you want advice from a twenty year old unenlightened college student… but why not just face up speak out to whomever you need to resolve your issues. Doesn’t matter what the outcome is as long as it is resolved in you’re mind. I also am not really good about unresolved issues. Never into subversive girl behavior in high school not much of a gossip. I like to tell it as it is.. like it or leave it and prefer others to do the same.. I also can like it or leave it. Unresolved issues can cause…..constipation. 😉
Well, it IS the holidays. The close of the year is a great opportunity for peace, forgiveness and renewal. There’s about five different reasons to send cards out to anybody. Buy a card, or make one, and include a letter with this card along the lines of your post. Offer to buy them a drink, a lunch or a dinner to discuss things, with your email address attached.
Lost friendships are difficult to deal with and I’ve never been good at it either. I’m with the others. Just reach out. Ask them how they’re doing with a letter, card, or email and hopefully they will respond.
Love you~
Wow, Pia – this is a tough one. In the past couple of years, I have tried to find old friends and renew relationships with them. One was an old lover, the other my best friend from early college days. I haven’t been able to track the college friend down yet – and I don’t know if he’ll want to talk to me. Our friendship ended because I was white and he was black, and he started getting a lot of shit about it. It was he who ended the relationship (under tons of pressure) but I almost hated him for it, and rejected an inquiry to renew the friendship some years ago when I was much younger, and still stinging from the original rejection. God knows if we’d even be able to talk today, as much as I’d like to try. He was my first true friend, and I still miss him.
The other – oh, I found him; and began a tentative reconciliation of sorts – until he remembered how much I had hurt him, and told me to get bent. No more chances there, I’m afraid. So what to tell you to do? Lord – I guess I would say try; but be prepared for the rejection. And it hurts – even after years apart; if you loved those people, and they reject you, it will hurt. That’s what makes something like this a chancy proposition. You are opening yourself up. If these people have some age under their belts, they will be more likely to listen. If they are still youngish – they may still be allowing anger or hurt to blind them. Lady Penelope is right – the Holidays are a good time to attempt this. I would suggest mail or email first – unless they would appreciate a personal appearance more. Only you know what kind of people they are, if they prefer time to consider, or are more likely to respond if you just go knock on the door. Me – I’m a thinker – I don’t like to be snuck up on. My hubby once grabbed me from behind in the shower, and I hit him; not meaning to – I had my eyes closed, you see. I just need to know what’s coming.
Good luck with it, my dear. I hope everything turns out exactly the way you wish. And a personal thank you for your support. You are a very kind woman. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, as always.
Hi Pia, I just found you through Blog Explosion — I had to drop a note to tell you how gorgeous your your blog is!!
I’m also throwing in my two cents about this particular friend problem — I say get in touch with the “lost” friends. If they were real friends, then the time passed won’t make any difference. Find them and talk it out. 😉
weird… some people are odd…
as for the lost friends, drop them a line, explain, apologise for how things turned out, let them know you want to get back in touch and see how they respond. in my experience they will come back, but they won’t take the first step…
see, im back for a week and then GOLDEN ADVICE! 😉
no really, don’t listen to me. I’m just a strange freak on the internet! 😉
missing being around but no connection at home. nightmarish…
Yes, I agree. Just reach out. You might get rejected – but you have *already* been rejected … so you’ll be prepared if that happens. Life is too short to leave issues unresolved.
Get in touch. Put the ball in their court so you can not only regain a friendship, but also release your longing.
I’ve got to say, I’m with Fuzzball on this one. Living as I am these days on a very moment to moment, day at a time basis – the expression, “Life is too short” is simply no longer a cliche. I too, have been slowly setting about resolving old hurts with female friends. Let’s face it. Women, present day and historically, are not very nice to each other. You think Condi is out there helping other women up the ladder of success? No. So it falls to some of us to try to be better examples, and whether or not we feel we are in the wrong – we still have to get in there and fix things from time to time. That way, we win.
i try to live by a certain code when it comes to others. its simple really, but rather hard to implement. if i dread spending time with a person, i cut them off. if i think about the person more than normal, i call them. life is too short to have regrets either way. now it gets tricky when the aforementioned dreaded person is family….
Chances are decent that the friends and acquaintances you lost also know how Allyson is. Perhaps she’s lied to or deceived them as well.
It saddens me when someone lies to me. Just knowing that from that moment on, I can no longer believe them.
Hmmmm…. this one hits close to home Pia.
The only thing a wound does over time is fester.
Clean the wound or lose a leg. Most civil wars end up that way.
too much good & thoughtful advice here for me to add anything but ouch & good luck. I’ve had one or two of friendships turn very sour but never in a way that lost me any other friendships.
With all of this advice, why is it you who must make the initial contact? Why not her? After all, she’s the one who caused you great sorrow. It sounds to me like she’s too much into herself and lacking self-esteem. Do you really need that back into your life?
As far as the others you lost, I would consider contacting them. Plenty of time has passed to soothe wounds. Explain to them what really did transpire. If that doesn’t do anything, then none of them have ever been friends.
So sad. I’m with the others, definately. Just go to your friends. Tell them how badly you feel and how you’ve missed them…they should understand.
Ok Pia, As a guy I’m not going to tell you how to solve your friendship issues. We guys just don’t understand (or at least that’s what I’ve been told).
But I want to clear up one thing… are you writing a book about this (your new comment up top about forgetting Ms. Klein (whoever she is) book, and waiting for yours. I want to know soon, before I post something that will be eternally embarassing and find myself with a burning desire to suceed (doing myself in) where Sajida Muburak Atronus al-Rishaui failed.