I have never considered myself a rape victim though I was. It was the late 1960’s; I was seventeen and had gone into the city to break up with my first boyfriend. His friend, a carpenter, asked if I wanted to get stoned, and I went with him to the store he was renovating on Sheridan Square. I did willingly.
I was seventeen with the face of a thirteen year old, the body of a grown woman, and the maturity level of a ten year old. He was big. Tall and in condition; I was 5’6″ 128 pounds, and not exactly powerful. Before I knew what was happening, he ripped off my Indian print dress, unhooked my bra and tore my underpants. Yes it happened that fast. I screamed but he wouldn’t stop though I kept on telling him to. I wasn’t a virgin but this wasn’t sex it was pure violence and I knew that then.
It was the late 60’s; I was a mess afterwards and ran to Macy’s to buy some new clothes because mine were torn. I passed regular people and police and felt deep shame. But I knew that the police would look at my Indian print dress, leather sandals, frizzed out hair, and call me a “dirty hippie who deserved what I got.”
I felt better after I bought new clothes, and while I didn’t equate being raped with sex because it had been so violent was turned off sex for awhile, and only dated boys who were closeted Gay for several months. I was young and resilient but I did carry that shame for many years. No, not the shame of the rape; the shame of not being able to tell a policeman.
Soon after beginning college I met my on again off again college boyfriend. We ran into HIM, in a coffee shop in The East Village on Second Avenue near 6th Street. My boyfriend didn’t believe me because I acted too normal. I didn’t know how else to act.
When I was 23, I got a job as a salesgirl in a high end store in Boston. I heard tales about the crazy in a good way carpenter. One day he walked into the store. I began screaming and ran downstairs. My best friend then, Jasmin, worked there also and knew about my rape. She told our boss who was “connected,” and the carpenter never worked there again or other places.
I got my revenge in a strange way, and made a conscious decision not to let this rule my life. But we can’t control our subconscious, and I probably wouldn’t have ended up with Zachary who did psychologically abuse me if I had let myself feel as I had that day in the store or had worked it out in therapy
I didn’t want to write about this now but I was reading my buddy Ally’s blog, in England, and The Heretik’s, and knew that I had to say something. It’s a very different world yet it hasn’t changed at all.
Rape is rape; an act of violence not sex. No woman ever asks for it; no matter how provocatively she’s dressed, or if she’s drunk or stoned. Sex is the most natural thing in the world but if it’s not consentual, it’s not sex.
While I acted as if it didn’t change me much, it did. The hard earned confidence I had spent my last several years of high school pursuing fell a bit. Luckily I met nice boys in college where I did develop a reputation for turning them gay. Except for he who…, who still is one of the truly nicest people I know in a very warped way.
By beginning college several months later, I was given a second chance. Not every woman is. And I truly saw the rape as being pure violence though I had never heard the feminist theory on rape then. It wasn’t sex; not even close.
Shakespeare’s Sister has an amazing article where a 17 year old young woman reported a rape by three men; including her boyfriend. She was found guilty of filing a false report in part because she didn’t act traumatized enough.
How is a seventeen year old supposed to act? At that point I couldn’t, or thought I couldn’t tell my parents. I had to go to school; I had Regents to pass before graduating high school. It did begin or intensify a pattern where I would shut feelings off during arguments with certain people, usually male.
Incidentally Ducking for Apples, Ally’s blog is one of the best written on the blogosphere. It’s one of my comfort blogs where I go when I want to read very English stories about home renovation, Polish lodgers, and a zillion other things
If bloggers who were raped speak out we can show the world that we come in all age groups, and every other variable. Rape is an act of extreme agression. Rape victims should never feel ashamed; rapists should always be ashamed. Rapists attempt to have their power affirmed. By speaking out we take away the power, and show how weak they really are.
Pia… rape is rape and no means no! You are strong for speaking out and I admire that.
I had a friend who took her own life because no one believed her (the 2 guys that raped her were “great guys”) I was on her side because I knew how these “great guys” were… they tried so many times to get down my pants… I was a lot more “bitchy and scrappy” than she… the last time I spoke with her she asked me if I believed her… “Coarse I did” but evidently me saying I believed her wasn’t that comforting… 3 days later, she was found… overdosed on 4 different meds… the bastards are walking free to this day!
Women who speak out regarding their rape are the bravest women I know… you being one of them! The bastards that rape… and get away with it… their time will come and the rape that they laid on their victim… will be nothing compared to their demise. What goes around comes around… this I truly believe!!!!
very very sad story & very brave of you, and your friend Ally, and the other women who are mentioned in the Heretik posting to tell about it.
this business of thinking anyone, anywhere, in any way somehow “asks for it” – will that ever just die?
Sex is the most natural thing in the world but if it’s not consentual, it’s not sex.
Wow. That’s one hell of a powerful statement. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences.
I’ve known way too many women who’ve been raped in my life; I’ve also known way to many women who remain silent about it, who bury it and continue to live as victims long after the crime.
IT is amazing to see someone who moves past that and becomes a survivor. Rape is not just a crime against women; it is a crime against humanity – just like acts of genocide and other barbarity.
I’ll second Girl’s comments.
Life is truly funny, isn’t it Pia? I am a survivor of childhood incest and abuse. I was raped at 12 and again at 34. I finally told my mother about the incident when I was 12 about a week after it happened and she told me little sluts deserve everything they get. I never told anyone about what happened later in life.
When my daughter was kidnapped by her ex-boyfriend, beaten, raped and sodomized when she was 19, all of a sudden, I was superwoman though. That bastard went to prison with a sexually based felony on his record. Yes, I let them cut a deal, because she just couldn’t keep telling that damn story over and over. It was breaking my baby down, but I got what I wanted in the end. Guess it paid to hold a high position in the right county for me, not so much for him though.
As for me, I take my meds daily, and see my counselor weekly, and my shrink monthly. I’ve been clean and sober for almost 10 years now. Will I ever be who I started out to be all those years ago – no. Maybe I just turned out to be who I was supposed to be after all.
Judge’s email: peter@peterackerman.com
The more I learn about you, the more clear it becomes how brave a soul you are, and always have been. Still, I wish I could take away much of what you’ve suffered…but then, would you be the “you” that you are today? Ah, now I’ve made my own head hurt.
You’re tops, is all.
Bravo for both your courage and encouragement, Pia.
Yea I saw that story on Feministe this morning and has to post it as well. Lauren from there also has a rape story. It is amazing to me how much of this is out there and it certainly needs to be addressed. People like you are brave to write about it.
And so we are all sisters under the skin. I am now possessed of a strength I did not have back then – not just physical; spiritual. If it happened today, I would fight back tooth and nail – and he would come away with more than just bite marks on the palm of his hand.
I’m only going to say one thing because nothing I say can add to the power of what you already said Pia.
Thumbs up.
I’m only going to say one thing because nothing I say can add to the power of what you already said Pia.
Thumbs up.
Gee Pia, I am sorry…you’re brave to mention it here because I could never reveal what has happened to me. Though it wasn’t as horrible as rape.
Rape is the worst form of violence against women.
I have done a study on the consequences of rape on women in Nigeria and I have already mentioned some of my case studies on some blogs.
In Nigeria, 99% of the cases of rape are not prosecuted, because the victims and their families don’t want the crime published or discussed in public. Because, victims of rape are stigmatized and they could be rejected by suitors. Most of the suitors in Nigeria will not marry any girl or woman who has been raped if they found out during courtship.
I have a female friend who was raped by a member of my church when she was only 17 and she is now 30 and a lawyer. She is still single. And she thinks, the rape affected our relationship. Because, we have not consummated it. And I must confess that if not for my fear of God, I would have killed the rapist. Because, he later disclosed to another girl that he raped my girlfriend to get at me. That I was fond of posing with pretty girls without sleeping with them. And he even threatened to rape another girlfriend.
Another so called church brother raped a female church member and whilst she became a patient at the psychiatry, he never went beyond reporting at the Police station and went back to work as a banker and he is married now.
Most first sexual intercourses would be considered rape, because in most cases, the girls or women were seduced under duress. Through intimidation, intoxication and other forms of Art of Seduction such as using music or drinks.
very moving/inspiring/sad post. thank you for sharing.
Wow, Pia…so sorry that happened to you. But it’s a good thing that you’re telling that story. Too many girls stay quiet. Very courageous of you.
I refuse to say I was a victim.
I am a thriving survivor.
My sprem donor was my abuser and I was 3-4 years old.
I would not be who I am today without all of the experiences that have made up my life, that one included.
I love who I am.
All that said——I long for a time and place where being a walking target is no longer what it means to be female.
Thanks to all the strong women speaking out.
Pia, thank you so much for the story – I have linked on the original post. And thank you so much for the gratuitous praise :).
Thanks for being so brave and sharing that with us — and hopefully helping others.
Rape is rape is rape. No matter who does it to whom. I respect you for telling your story on your blog and I’m sorry that you had to go through it. Maybe it will give others hope and courage.
Pia, I’m sorry you went through that.
Just how does one act “traumatized enough”? That’s just reprehensible – the poor girl was victimized by the system too.
A huge majority of women can claim one of these stories as her own. Most of us don’t report for a variety of reasons. We have to really admit that it happened to report it, we have to undergo the scrutiny of our peers and the authorities, we have to defend ourselves against further attacks to our credibility and our complicity in the act itself.
I’m not surprised anymore when I read about a woman being raped. It seems more of us were, than weren’t. And back in the day, most women wouldn’t be given the time of day because the circumstances weren’t ‘just right.’
Your story tho, is one that turns a tragedy into triumph. Your life, your writing, your survival is a testament to how very strong (though maybe you didn’t realize it) of a person you’ve always been.
The more I read about you, the more amazed I am with you.
thank you,
wow, you’ve inspired me to write about my experience.
Your level-headed telling of your story makes your bottom line clear. The shame should be with the violator, the violent, not the violated.
Compliments of the season.
In most cultures in Africa, victims of rape never report and their parents never report, because of the social stigma. Suitors keep away from the raped maidens and husbands sneer at their raped wives. So, they prefer to keep it secret.
A former beauty queen was raped by armed robbers in Nigeria and her husband left her.
A popular Nigerian newscaster was raped by armed robbers and she contracted HIV and she committed suicide.
A girlfriend and popular Nigerian model never told me she was raped until after two months and she did not want me to report to the police.
The list is endless.
No man has been jailed for rape in Nigeria.
Most premarital sexual relationships in Africa started by rape.
“No girl will tell you ‘yes’, you have to floor her,” the boys and men always joked.
One Nigerian prince boasted to us how he slammed a young woman and had sex with her.
They are so shameless that their society permits the abuse of women.
That is why in South Africa, African men are raping even 3 year old baby girls, because they believe that having sex with virgins cures HIV/AIDS.
Nicole Kidman is leading a global campaign to stop violence against women. You should support her. Her logo is on my blog and I posted on the launch last month.