Finding light through the circles

This is my 1542th post; many are in draft, some were plugging things and I deleted them–kept everything that has a comment, even if it’s in draft. As Dan would say, it’s the only journal I have ever been able to keep though I don’t generally write about my day, I remember the day from the post. I began Courting in 8/04 and have no idea why I would announce my 1542th as opposed to my 1500; it’s just very me.

I might begin moderating comments because they’re more fun that way but I can never think of anything to say. I would like to make one sort of political statement. While I am nominated for best writing and best blog, non professional, I am one person, and there is no way the quality can be consistently excellent. Don’t expect to win; would like to make it into the finals, but I’m much better at pimping for other people and causes. Heres the link.

I am cutting back to two days a week because I need to focus on my book, but a blog with many writers can be consistent, or should be.

I helped begin Bring it On! which was nominated for best blog community. To the woman who voted for voted for BIO and said we were the only liberal blog or post to support the troops. I have and I am proud to call Shayna my friend. She does more than anybody I know and that’s a lot.

I grew up during Viet Nam and I know how it was spun to make every person who protested the war appear to hate the troops and throw things at them or worse. See Born on the fourth of July, and pretend it’s not Tom Cruise playing Ron Kubick. Cruise really was great then.
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This has been an exceptionally weird day. I sat at my desk staring at my monitor. I have been taking pictures of glass objects as seen through a kaleidoscope; some seen through the sun, and others various lights. My apartment though tiny, has an amazing amount of halogen light in the kitchen/foyer and closet. The large bath has every conceivable light including fluorescent

BIO was down; much of blogger was; Gmail just came back up after it was down for about an hour. AND AT TIMES MY SITE HAS BEEN TAKING FOREVER TO LOAD Totally weird.

My sister and I gave the kaleidoscope to our father for his birthday one year when Soho was still navigable, and the stores were edgy. It was back in the 80’s and cost $250 which was the most we had ever spent on our dad. He usually gave our presents back to us, so we tried to get very nice things. But $250 was a lot then and I suppose even my father could recognize quality because he kept it.

Don’t look at the world as reflected through my kaleidoscope enough. Sometimes I want the day to go in slow motion so that I can get more done. Other times I want to rewind it, and begin over. Never want to fast forward it, though if I had known about fast forwarding when I was eleven I’m sure that I would have wanted to fast forward seven years.

I would have been right and I would have been wrong. It could have helped me miss the horrible ages 12-15 and a half, but I would have missed many interchanges with my family, events that changed the world, and even if I could have matured to eighteen over night, how would I have understood how much fun my life was?

There’s no feeling in the world like sudden popularity, and not for putting out, though uh…but it wasn’t the reason. Did have a straight male friend, with whom I spent many a night with when my on again off again boyfriend was away. We would stay up all night discussing the Platonic Ideal.

Some girls they’re just born with an ability to know what boys want. I was born with an ability to want boys, and to have them want me, despite my ages eleven to fifteen dislike of myself. But first I isolated myself either through fat, that really wasn’t, and then a look that has probably literally killed. It’s a good street look but I took indoors with me

I had no idea that while Ethan and I were talking about the Platonic ideal he wanted something more. Took me years to understand that he ended the friendship because every time my boyfriend would come back, I would go back. And he probably kept leaving because he didn’t know how to deal with my neurotic insecurities. But kept coming back.

When I was young I had a very distorted view of who I was. Since I have been blogging and focusing much on the past, I keep coming back to the neurotic college years. I have begun to feel the pain that I never felt then because I was frozen. And when you’re frozen all you can do is act or basically react. But I had a great time. Just thought it would be easier to filter out the feelings as my kaleidoscope can change the light. Ha!

This was my favorite song, though I preferred Tom Rush’s version: Know it can be sappy; and not at all like most of the music I owned. Actually probably the only girl in America not to own something by Joni Mitchell. Think I preferred Tom Rush’s voice because it was deliberately off key and that offset the sheer beauty of the lyrics. The lyrics are after the “more.”

Maybe somewhere deep inside of me was a real American girl waiting to come out, not the New York hippie who could be both overly and underly impressed with herself in the same second.

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, when you’re older, must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and dawn
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we con only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him,
Take your time, it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and dawn
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur
Coming true
There’ll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through.
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game