I took down the post that I had up before–it’s in draft along with about 800 more posts. Was going to try to sell this, wrote it on the beach. tomorrow is my last full day here. This post pretty much summarizes how I feel. Join Shayna‘s My Musical Highway Project. Music is a common language. Emily Loveless is going to join her as an administrator. Emily hesitated because she is a lesbian. Understand her feelings. The blogosphere should be a place where all people who don’t hate, aren’t racist, bigoted or violent should feel welcome.
The Dawg is this weeks guest. It’s fitting that he followed me as he began his blog several months after Courting’s real birth. Yet he taught me everything that I know. Read Doug’s answers and the song lyrics. Pure Dawg. He has so many blogs I can’t list them all. He’s a true wonder of the blogosphere.
Blogging has always been about writing to me. In the past two years blogging served me well while I went through seven oral surgeries and recup time–always forget about that. Forget that I was housebound, for not as long a time as the surgeon predicted but still…Forget that I have gone through a lot in the past five years. Don’t like myself when I get like this. Feel demanding and not appreciative of all that I have I have been changing and when I read Courting I see how much, in both good and bad ways. It’s weird to see yourself as reflected in two years of a blog Me thinks it might be time to put Courting on hiatus.
As I say this I’m also thinking of beginning a line of Cafepress Courting items. Very conflicted. I probably should have gone to a resort with my closest friend for a week but that would have involved scheduling. something neither of us are very good at.
I know that I plug Bone a lot, but he is one of the finest writers, I know–blog or book, he is going to make it, and I will always be able to say that I mentored him, just a bit
It is an obsession unlike one that I have ever had before. I find it difficult, if not impossible for me to be away for more than six hours. And when I am away, the object of my obsession is always on my mind.
I, who was voted least likely to ever fall for a woman, at one of my jobs, am hopelessly obsessed for I can’t call it love, with a she who requires constant maintenance and attention.
I have given up socializing with family and friends for her. I only go away if I can take her, and she contributes nothing to the upkeep, but cost me plenty. She flirts with me, and seduces me as no man ever has, but she gives me no solace, no words of wisdom, and demands my attention when I am sick or down.
Everything is about her, her, and more her. She is the one who is recognized and who the public adores. She is a cult celebrity in an ever-growing world. There is much competition, but she says she must keep her place and try to be even better known. I constantly tell her that it might be impossible and even dangerous. She doesn’t listen but demands more celebrity status, better surroundings and an ever growing audience as I have gone from staying in first class hotels to flea bag motels. She’s delighted by flea bag motels as we met because of a shared loved of pulp and noir. She is retro to the max, and always must look like an Alberto Vargas pin-up.
I know that she cheats on me often with many returning lovers of both sexes, and many one night stands. I know that yet I know that she comes most alive for me. When I touch her, she charges as she does for no other person, and she lets me explore parts of her nobody else is allowed to touch, and I feel so alive and in lust.. At those moments, she is mine and mine alone, and I delight in exploring all aspects of her.
I don’t remember ever feeling this obsessed before and I am an obsessive compulsive. I really don’t enjoy it. I thought I had conquered that side of me.
Yet I was a willing hostage. But it’s been two years now, and one of us has to learn to let go. I can’t afford to keep her anymore. All the expenses have become unbearable. I am really hetero, and begin to flirt with men but hold back, because I know that without my constant attention she will wither and be nothing.
Then who will I be? I don’t know myself anymore. All my attention has gone to her when it should have gone so many other places. Yes, we share many common interests. Yes we have made many friends together. Yes she has helped me get through my darkest moments and fears. Together we have conquered our “I’m an Upper West Sider and so much better and more important than Americans who don’t live our incredibly exciting lives,†bias. Together we have helped causes and individuals.
The Radical Right declared us an enemy and together we fought back. We don’t care that they hate our morals and values, for personally we think theirs are bogus. We have stood up against them when they sent hundreds to our door. They told us that we had no rights to our opinions and to our stories. We said things back, and they no longer come to our door.
Who are they to tell us not to write our stories that don’t even talk about sex, but longings and wishes? Then people on the left told us to get used to this criticism if we ever want our book to be published. “No,†we said, “reviewers don’t review morals but content, and we have that in spades.â€
My obsessive love is my blog, Courting Destiny, and she is the most demanding lover that I ever have had. I need to break free or at least limit the hours I spend on her and comments each week, but she wants my full time attention and that I no longer can give. It’s time to move on, but she just doesn’t want to let go.
Well, Pia, I only met you thru her, so forgive me if I’m on her side in this one. I’m just a bit sentimental.
“Then who will I be? I don’t know myself anymore.”
That’s what happens when you become a couple. You become one with your partner. Inseparable. And sometimes you can’t tell where you end and she begins.
It’s kinda sweet really.
Now in terms of 12 step speak – Are you powerless over your blog and your life has become unmanageable? Do you believe a power greater than yourself will restore you to sanity? Are you willing to make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God? Or is all that just a bunch of hooey, and your blog is an extension of yourself – your creativity, your sense of humor, your willingness to share yourself with others that you happen to have some healthy self love for?
I think the latter. Keep a’writin. We love it.
“…and I feel so alive…”
It speaks volumes, doesn’t it?
This blogging thing is a real conundrum. I hope you will throw out tidbits even if less frequently – at least until you get your book out there. By the way – I do see why you put up with her.
On a sidenote, I sent an e-mail to Shayna, but don’t see me on the roll…I’ll try again.
You know, my first response to this post was that it was very well-written. Some of your best. I can’t decide what to take from that in terms of advice to offer, but this is the kind of writing that has made Courting such a seductive floozy.
I’m curious what cafepress is. Can you describe your idea in an upcoming post?
Just thought of a quote to go with this.
“Art is a jealous mistress…” – Emerson
Let me be the one to stand up and say…yes…maybe, you are obsessed and as with any relationship it may thrive on a breather.
Your writing is consistantly fresh and wonderful so it certainly hasn’t suffered, but if you listen to yourself it sounds like you have.
As a writer, I realize the artist and the art are one MOST of the time, but NOT always and this is why you have to honor yourself and take a well needed break.
The person obsessed is the victim if not her book.
A blog, if like a lover, should be under the same mandate as a lover; if this thing ( lover or blog) takes up too much of your time, consequently taking you away from other parts of your life, it should be banished.
One would not allow a lover, except initially but certainly not after two years, to consume all ones energies.
The blog is glorious but there is much to be done dear pia and the blog, although a vehicle ins not the motor.
Oh Pia. Don’t go. You make me think; what on earth would I do if I stopped thinking? You are “freckled lemonade”, Goddess. You are, you are!
You have been carrying on a love/hate affair with blogging ever since I left you. Only thing is you’ve never left it. And thankfully, at that.:)
I read this and thought I commented… great comments up above and I ditto Cooper… I think she said it best… although I for one love reading you, but you already know that.
Pia, I am with the rest about understanding your need for a break while hoping you don’t break for too long.
So happy for you about the great things that are happening. I hope that you will be able to blog about them soon!
I have read this three times and I SWEAR to you I have commented… Am I being deleted, Pia? LOL! 🙂
First off, thank you for plugging “My Music Highway Project” as often as you do… I love this project and it has taken off so well… as you can see with who all have joined the blogroll… and this weeks guest, Doug… has picked a fantastic song!!!
As for “her”… I am in love with her as well. She is my addicition… I have to read her every day… I toooo am in love with Courting Destiny… and I am not ashamed! 🙂
You know… You can share time with the little blue eyed, poop factory named Elijah that graced us with his dependency for love and food. That’ll limit your blog time!!! As well as iPod time… Work time… And most definately, the Golf time.
I hope you continue writing Courting… Remember it is why we all know you!
I hope you made it home safely.
Do what you have to do.
Now I have a favorite post Pia. Sheer genius.
Artists usually are.
It’s awfully generous of you to share her with all of us. 🙂
Hi Pia. I get the blog angst you feel.
Seek to understand what powerful need you are fulfilling with this obsessive, over the top mistress. Find constructive ways to fill the hole that don’t rely soley on Courting Destiny. Consciousness is the only way to self discovery, happiness and balance. The key is to be conscious and that can be a painful thing. Its not easy but worth the effort.
For months I have been visiting you here and getting to know you and being touched by the distress and pain you voice over blogging. I hope you can find a way to deal with that.
Seriously, people who like to see you and hear you here, will come faithfully, no matter what frequency you write at. Do what you need to do to take care of YOU. If that means Courting gets put under dust covers for a while, so be it.
If you value this connection to people that you find through the blogosphere, then do what you can to maintain it over the long haul…that may mean a significantly different pace.
Well, I didn’t mean to go on so long. I am trying to be encouraging not prescriptive. Take care Pia. I will certainly be patiently waiting to hear your voice again, in what ever form you wish to share it.