I took down the post that I had up before–it’s in draft along with about 800 more posts. Was going to try to sell this, wrote it on the beach. tomorrow is my last full day here. This post pretty much summarizes how I feel. Join Shayna‘s My Musical Highway Project. Music is a common language. Emily Loveless is going to join her as an administrator. Emily hesitated because she is a lesbian. Understand her feelings. The blogosphere should be a place where all people who don’t hate, aren’t racist, bigoted or violent should feel welcome.
The Dawg is this weeks guest. It’s fitting that he followed me as he began his blog several months after Courting’s real birth. Yet he taught me everything that I know. Read Doug’s answers and the song lyrics. Pure Dawg. He has so many blogs I can’t list them all. He’s a true wonder of the blogosphere.
Blogging has always been about writing to me. In the past two years blogging served me well while I went through seven oral surgeries and recup time–always forget about that. Forget that I was housebound, for not as long a time as the surgeon predicted but still…Forget that I have gone through a lot in the past five years. Don’t like myself when I get like this. Feel demanding and not appreciative of all that I have I have been changing and when I read Courting I see how much, in both good and bad ways. It’s weird to see yourself as reflected in two years of a blog Me thinks it might be time to put Courting on hiatus.
As I say this I’m also thinking of beginning a line of Cafepress Courting items. Very conflicted. I probably should have gone to a resort with my closest friend for a week but that would have involved scheduling. something neither of us are very good at.
I know that I plug Bone a lot, but he is one of the finest writers, I know–blog or book, he is going to make it, and I will always be able to say that I mentored him, just a bit
It is an obsession unlike one that I have ever had before. I find it difficult, if not impossible for me to be away for more than six hours. And when I am away, the object of my obsession is always on my mind.
I, who was voted least likely to ever fall for a woman, at one of my jobs, am hopelessly obsessed for I canâ€™t call it love, with a she who requires constant maintenance and attention.
I have given up socializing with family and friends for her. I only go away if I can take her, and she contributes nothing to the upkeep, but cost me plenty. She flirts with me, and seduces me as no man ever has, but she gives me no solace, no words of wisdom, and demands my attention when I am sick or down.
Everything is about her, her, and more her. She is the one who is recognized and who the public adores. She is a cult celebrity in an ever-growing world. There is much competition, but she says she must keep her place and try to be even better known. I constantly tell her that it might be impossible and even dangerous. She doesnâ€™t listen but demands more celebrity status, better surroundings and an ever growing audience as I have gone from staying in first class hotels to flea bag motels. Sheâ€™s delighted by flea bag motels as we met because of a shared loved of pulp and noir. She is retro to the max, and always must look like an Alberto Vargas pin-up.
I know that she cheats on me often with many returning lovers of both sexes, and many one night stands. I know that yet I know that she comes most alive for me. When I touch her, she charges as she does for no other person, and she lets me explore parts of her nobody else is allowed to touch, and I feel so alive and in lust.. At those moments, she is mine and mine alone, and I delight in exploring all aspects of her.
I donâ€™t remember ever feeling this obsessed before and I am an obsessive compulsive. I really donâ€™t enjoy it. I thought I had conquered that side of me.
Yet I was a willing hostage. But itâ€™s been two years now, and one of us has to learn to let go. I canâ€™t afford to keep her anymore. All the expenses have become unbearable. I am really hetero, and begin to flirt with men but hold back, because I know that without my constant attention she will wither and be nothing.
Then who will I be? I donâ€™t know myself anymore. All my attention has gone to her when it should have gone so many other places. Yes, we share many common interests. Yes we have made many friends together. Yes she has helped me get through my darkest moments and fears. Together we have conquered our â€œIâ€™m an Upper West Sider and so much better and more important than Americans who donâ€™t live our incredibly exciting lives,â€ bias. Together we have helped causes and individuals.
The Radical Right declared us an enemy and together we fought back. We donâ€™t care that they hate our morals and values, for personally we think theirs are bogus. We have stood up against them when they sent hundreds to our door. They told us that we had no rights to our opinions and to our stories. We said things back, and they no longer come to our door.
Who are they to tell us not to write our stories that donâ€™t even talk about sex, but longings and wishes? Then people on the left told us to get used to this criticism if we ever want our book to be published. â€œNo,â€ we said, â€œreviewers donâ€™t review morals but content, and we have that in spades.â€
My obsessive love is my blog, Courting Destiny, and she is the most demanding lover that I ever have had. I need to break free or at least limit the hours I spend on her and comments each week, but she wants my full time attention and that I no longer can give. Itâ€™s time to move on, but she just doesnâ€™t want to let go.