A question

In the response video to the Fox one, most or all of the speakers are Catholic. Have nothing against Catholics. Almost all my good friends are. However, if all or most were Jewish, it would be labeled a conspiracy, and somehow good for Israel. If most were Muslim, Hindu, Sikh….Why is everything about religion in America?

Somewhere I saw “Cooper” as a Technorati tag. Yes Cooper.

A prologue to the paragraphs on moving. A Loehmann’s is moving into my immediate neighborhood. I did what any self respecting daughter of a woman who thought Loehmann’s was a true bonding experience and reached for the phone, as she would have died. Then I remembered….

As exciting as my Mom would have found it, this sealed the moving deal. My neighborhood is over crowded on the most quiet days. Loehmann’s is a destination store. We don’t need more people walking in the neighborhood. This isn’t the Upper West Side anymore. It’s the Broadway Mall and enviorns. I’m sorry but I don’t find it fun to be trampled. If I did I would have moved to Soho. Nine years ago there was still a neighborhood feel, here. Now….

I wonder how the people who are buying the condo’s in the Apple Bank for Savings–2 to 4 mil–will take this. Or are they planning on having limos take them everywhere to add to the congestion in the streets?

And Lucia, my best friend, who never saw an item of clothes for $29.99 that she didn’t like? Not only will she spend all her time in the store, I will have to physically restrain her from buying junk as I did a few weeks ago in Mandy’s, a store I personally find repulsive. Yes I had to restrain her…Fortunately Mandy’s has a large selection of fake leather belts I could use for bondage….Threw that in to see if anybody actually reads this

I am planning to move. So far it’s between Santa Monica/Venice and Miami. I love hot weather, the ocean, humidity when it’s over 80 degrees and hate humidity when it’s under 80–give or take a few degrees. I hate rain but love thunderstorms, don’t mind hurricanes, earthquakes or other natural disasters. Sorry, Chandira, Seattle is out because I would have to drink even more coffee than I do unless there’s a long–like 20 years–drought.

I don’t drive and don’t plan on driving. Safer for humanity. Santa Monica/Venice are navigable on foot with good bus systems, and Miami, well it’s always been like a second home. Love the tropical humidity. My family and friends are real big on Miami as it’s a quick Jet Blue plane ride from here.

Any suggestions for any other cities? They have to be near a coast, preferably as close to the beach as possible. Hawaii’s out. No offense to anybody who lives there or loves it, but the one time I was there I had a great time but never felt quite at home. I can live among Republicans as long as they’re tolerant. Actually for a short time Coronado and La Jolla were in the running. They still might be, it’s San Diego proper that weirds me out–again no offense meant.

If you were going to start over given the above conditions where would you move? And I’m at the debating selling or keeping my apartment stage. That’s the hard part. Were I renting I would be out of here tomorrow. Not that I don’t love New York…love it with all my heart. But I so need to live somewhere where the sun does shine, where it’s fun to walk and not an exercise in patience or almost getting killed every day by bike riders or Jersey drivers who think that since they can legally turn right on red lights in Jersey, they should be able to do the same in Manhattan. Never mind the people crossing the street. We’re dispensable. Offense is meant to Jersey drivers who do that, and in my vast experience and it is vast, it’s always drivers from Jersey. Sorry Janet, I know you wouldn’t.

Have to go deposit my Star rebate check before the state goes broke or something. And the $57 check the state just sent me will buy me a bag and half of groceries. Wow, can’t wait to spend it.
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I have a question that directly relates to Rush Limbaugh’s idiocy but also goes into American society in general. Okay two questions. Or more.

Why are we so quick to judge each other? And if somebody doesn’t do something exactly the way we want them to do it, why do we assume stupidity on their part? And I include myself in this, as I seem to insult people with some regularity when I write about issues which is a big reason I have stopped. But the election is important.

But maybe more important is how Limbaugh judged Michael J Fox.

I can relate to how Fox was treated too well. Put it on him. He’s the one at fault because he dares speak out on an issue that directly affects him, and some people just don’t want to hear that.

This is long and classic whiny, sort of so here’s the “more”

He’s famous and well-loved so people rushed to his defense. What about the people who aren’t rich or famous or have people to do everything for them?

The lawyer with Aspergers on Boston Legal never had to learn people skills until he began his own firm, so he seems to be screwing up everywhere. Fortunately he has the best TV lawyer money can’t really buy, but can buy, Alan Shore (James Spader) who always seems to give his clients money and other things.

I can relate to both characters. Though I have mild Aspergers I have good people skills, so I relate to Alan Shore more.

Somebody asked me to send him a site. Usually I would send the URL, but for some reason, sent an attachment–from Mac to Mac–safe. There turned out to be a cover sheet over the attached site which I read, saw what needed to be clicked and clicked it. Got the site immediately. Told him how to do it over the phone.

He sent me back an email with pretend cursing–all these symbols–and wrote what the f–k did you send me? Then he told me what a URL is and that it looks like WWW.something.com.
Hello, he knows that I blog.

Could I blog if I didn’t know what a URL is? I don’t think so

I have had some other experiences like that in the past couple of weeks.

I am very sorry that I ever mentioned that I have some disabilities, on Courting, or anywhere because people make blanket assumptions.

We talk about tolerance in two distinct ways One as if we practice it, and also as if it’s a lofty ideal. We don’t really have to be tolerant of other people as long as we say we are.

How many people really teach their children to be individuals? They can’t. Kids must fit in.

And we even pigeon hole disabilities. I would feel strange saying that I’m depressed because I’m not bipolar, and my depression will go away, usually, when I exercise and reframe my thoughts.

Usually but not this week because I began to rewrite my life story. Not “rewrite” as in change it, but write it from the beginning. And I remembered a little girl who was so excited by life she would greet each day as if it had something wonderful to offer.

I’m not going to pretend that I have had a horrible life. Quite the opposite. But I began to remember the incredible optimism that I felt because I knew I was loved, smart and yes pretty.

Until I was nine I thought that I could do anything I wanted to do. Wow, was I in for some rude awakenings.

I know. I grew up during the 50’s and 60’s which were the dark ages. And now I should step aside for our children. But because my problems didn’t begin to be diagnosed until I was 36, I denied myself motherhood as I didn’t want to inflict my problems on others.

Crazy as that sounds I put unborn children before me. I wouldn’t have been an abusive or neglectful mother. I know that now. But then I dreamed about killing plants and animals through neglect. The dreams scared me

Much of my past life is somewhere in the blogosphere. I wrote about my abortion and how abusive Zachary had become. That is true. But there was a fundamentally deeper reason that I had an abortion I wouldn’t let a child in the world who had Zachary and my gene combination. I hadn’t met my birth mother yet, nor did I know her name. How could I trust myself even to bring a child into the world?

In grad school I was called “selfish” for not wanting a child. People assumed that I was 34 not 44 and I let them. I had no desire to explain that maybe I was the opposite of selfish. I never allowed myself to dream of becoming a mother. Maybe I cheated myself. No maybes about it. Doesn’t change my views on abortion, and I have not spent one minute of my life regretting or feeling guilty about that decision. As I feel guilty about just about everything, that’s meaningful.

I feel regrets about not having children with other men. But I never became pregnant so that was a non-issue. And lets be real. Had I become pregnant with the one after Zachary, who took me to see the exact spot his father killed himself at, I might have had thoughts about an abortion. I don’t believe that we should over populate the world with children who have too many depression/disability markers. Though he is a genius, so….

And this doesn’t mean I think other people with disabilities or problems shouldn’t have children. One of the finest woman I have ever met had children with six different surnames. She’s very bright and very responsible except in that one area, and did regret it because one child, a brilliant beautiful girl was one of thirteen kids in the world to suffer from a rare disease.

As it’s hereditary, and the daughter was the result of a one night stand, the mother did have many sleepless nights. She felt very guilty.

It was the saddest and most disturbing SSI interview I ever conducted. People stopped their interviews to listen. Gave me a standing ovation as I ran out of the office knowing that this incredible courageous girl was going to die. It was our quickest acceptance.

I probably should have stayed at SSI. The money would have been decent, the benefits great, and the only people that I knew who were fired either did kill a supervisor or sold SSA numbers. But I didn’t and hope that I never have to rely on it. Oh how ironic that would be, and how just some people would find itl.

I left because the high point of my day was the walk to work, and because too many social workers thanked me for doing their job or teaching it to them. Figured I should become one myself. Hah. The truest lesson that I learned in grad school was that if you’re lazy, don’t want to do the work, but do want an “A” and tell the professor that you need one, you will get one. Made my 3.84 cum seem worthless.

When I put my problems out there I hoped that somebody with similar problems who had overcome them would contact me. I hoped a famed Internet Therapist who used to be my personal one, would answer my letter. I’m still waiting.

Sorry if you have heard this before, or it’s classic Pia whining. The most difficult part of being a personal essay blogger is writing for a new audience while keeping the old audience. The other most difficult part is keeping your present everyday life out of it so that the people in your life will still want to be part of it. This week I feel like like less than a zilch. But that’s my problem not yours.

And the person who told me what a URL is turned it around so that I made him feel badly by telling him that he did insult me. I felt so badly that I agreed to another lesson. His prices aren’t cheap, and I should be saving my money, not spending it.

She says as she tries to put together a Brookstone step machine so that her computer hours will be spent doing some physical activity. This is of course, an exercise in self-torture. Damn do I wish I had Martha Stewart’s skills.

Now is when I say: What about me? I am at an age when I do look at the future.

I dare let myself dream and that is probably the worst thing that I can do.

This is my blog, my personal property and I feel scared to put things in it that even touch on subjects like this. I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy, I’m looking for tangible answers. Why do I have to spend my life proving over and over again that I’m worthy? Just because a few neurons probably misfired or died or something when I had pneumonia at thirteen months, and then had repeated strep throats.

It’s really not fair. We live in a society where people are rewarded for having committed felonies. Everybody deserves a second chance. But dare have a problem or disability that’s not the flavor de jour, or in my case the giant combo version and see how fast your accomplishments count for naught.

I read about Martha Stewart and her “era of me.” She committed a crime, went to prison, paid her dues and now thinks it’s her time to have everything her way. Because she’s Martha Stewart, things will be her way.

Yes I know that I’m not Martha Stewart. I don’t have her homemaking, or business skills. Nor do I have her guile. I would like this to be my era of me also. Instead I feel imprisoned by minute disabilities that shouldn’t matter. They only show on the surface when I’m nervous and either talk ten thousand words a second, or one syllable every ten seconds.

i shouldn’t feel this way but I do. I’m tired of paying. I should probably dress for Halloween as an ATM, in the front, because I do pay so much, and prison stripes in back because I do imprison myself.

I, and Courting, have proven many things. The blogosphere doesn’t translate to the real world, but deep down I’m still an incurable optimist. So….

I will continue posting because it’s the only way I can get things out, but I just don’t have the mental energy to comment right now. I’m debating closing comments, but then I get comments on other posts saying that I closed comments. Just feel that people who don’t comment don’t have the right to expect any.

And yes, of course, I pay people not to comment so that I don’t have to return them, if I’m not in the mood.

Damn, I wish that I looked at life as if it owes me. But I was brought up not to respect people who look at life that way, and I can’t work past that. Trust me, I try.

I can usually think of Boneisms without trying. But since I have through Tuesday to tease him about his name, just can’t think of any. When I was first getting to know him, during Katrina actually, I couldn’t understand why such a nice person had such a horrible screenname. Then I got to know him… Still an incredibly good person, but Bone, it sort of grows on me, like mangling fleshless bones on TV. Bad analogy. I would try again but tomorrow is going to be a bone chilling day and I should prepare. Something most people don’t know about me.

When I’m nervous I make truly bad puns and oxymoron’s without trying. The sick part is most people think that I have thought about them and am being funny on purpose