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Days like today

June 15, 2007 By pia

A life long friend told me recently that if I ever learned to drive he wouldn’t just hand in his license, he would do PSC’s warning people that danger is lurking.

Actually it was funny. I have long believed that laughing at or with myself is the best offense. I encourage my friends to laugh with me at my ineptness.

Then there are days like today. It’s the third day of rain. The first two were good. I got a lot of work done. I was forced to dig deep into myself which isn’t my favorite thing, but is necessary if I’m going to write a truthful book.

Yesterday I took a walk as it was just misting. My Cannon is large and bulky. I wanted a small cheap camera I can keep in my pocket, and I did forget the installation disc so that I can put pictures in my laptop.

I bought a cheapish camera. I couldn’t put in the memory disc properly. If that happened to you, you would probably laugh it off, return the camera or have them put it in.

But i didn’t want to walk two miles each way in the rain, today, as it was pouring most of the day. Nor did I want to take a cab though the cab company owner keeps lowering the price. Frequent keep this girl off the street discount as she can cause an accident just attempting to cross a street

I hate feeling the way I do today. I don’t find my ineptness funny. I realize, once again, the Asperger like symptoms stem from a lifetime of not being able to do things correctly.

They stem from people either thinking that I was an idiot or that I just didn’t try hard enough when I tried enough for ten people.

I go into panic attack mode when I’m like this. I lose perspective and think that I’m just not good enough in any sense.

It would be so easy to cast blame. But who? My Dad was hard on me, but he had no understanding of this problem. Though I think he did in the beginning, but so many doctors put the blame back onto me. I can’t blame them. Who knew about spatial retardation?

I have nobody to blame so I blame myself. And that’s the part that I really hate.

The ground’s drying, and I know the sun will be out all day or at least most of the day tomorrow.

Always thought my middle name should have been Annie though that’s not one of my top thousand plays.

Posts like this make me very very nervous as my disability is so hidden most people are never aware of it. Except when I can’t judge which car is coming how fast from what lane and just kinda stand there.

Filed Under: guilt meter, mental health

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Comments

  1. Doug says

    June 15, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    Days like today a walk in the rain can be grand.

  2. cooper says

    June 15, 2007 at 11:21 pm

    I guess the only thing you can do is wait until no cars are coming.

    That thou art blamed shall not be thy defect,
    For slander’s mark was ever yet the fair;
    The ornament of beauty is suspect,
    A crow that flies in heaven’s sweetest air.

  3. Traveling Chica says

    June 15, 2007 at 11:21 pm

    I’m crossing my fingers tomorrow is much better for you 🙂

  4. Bone says

    June 16, 2007 at 1:05 am

    Learning to laugh at myself opened the top of a Pandora’s box of self-deprecating humor that I continue to… hmm… lost my train of thought.

    You got the keep this girl off the street discount. Look at you! And people said you’d never make it in the South 🙂

  5. al says

    June 16, 2007 at 10:46 am

    Very honest and forthcoming, Pia. As your book will be, I’m sure.

  6. jacob says

    June 16, 2007 at 10:50 am

    It’s too bad about the rain. I hope this post finds you out and about and in the sun.

    You know, if you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. 😉

  7. kyahgirl says

    June 17, 2007 at 2:43 am

    Hi Pia, long time no see.
    I have visualization exercise I learned some years ago to help get out of a funk when I’m beating myself up about ‘not being good enough’. I learned it from a Nathaniel Branden book. The guru of improving self esteem has some pretty good advice~ I’ll mail you!!

    🙂

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About Me

I live in the South, not South Florida, a few blocks from the ocean, and two blocks from the main street. It's called Main Street. Amazes me too.

I'm from New York. I mostly lived in the Mid-Upper East Side, and the heart of the Upper West Side. It amazes me when people talk about how scared they were of Times Square in the 1970's and 1980's.

As my mother said: "know the streets, look out and you'll be fine."

What was scary was the invasion of the crack dens into "good buildings in good 'hoods." And the greedy landlords who did everything they could to get good tenants out of buildings.

I'm a Long Island girl, and proud of it now.
Then I hated everything about the suburbs. Yet somehow I lived in a few great Long Island Sound towns after high school.

Go to archives "August 2004" if you want to begin with the first posts.

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