There is a new one beneath this post. The post on the sidebar is about 9/11 being an event that should never be trivialized. And stop politicizing it.
It’s become easier. It truly has. I can think of you and smile or laugh, not cry. I try not to remember the 3:30 AM phone call telling me that you fell in the bathroom and didn’t make it. In two months it will be six years.
Mommy you always had the best timing. Sometimes I can almost laugh about you, the most careful person I have ever known, dying a month after….You died the month New York ran out of empathy. There was only so much to go around and that had to be reserved for the families. I understand that, always did, but just wanted to feel that I had a right to be in mourning also. Because I love you so much, and could always count on you to speak truth yet be there for me. That was a combination I will always be grateful for and strive to be like myself. But nobody can be you.
You were the first person I knew to voice the impossible. “Is it retribution, do you think, and Pia, you’re the only person I can say that too.” I was so shocked; so damn patriotic I thought you had become demented over night. I’m glad that I didn’t treat you as if you were demented but I so wish I had been able to say “maybe.” At least that. So many people now believe….
I know it was your shock over everything that made you careless. I know had 9/11 not happened you could have had some good years left.
In some ways I’m glad that you and daddy aren’t here anymore. Our city, the city we all were born in, has become a wealth machine. The small stores, the distinctive neighborhoods that made Manhattan so wonderful are almost all gone now.
They say that Brooke Astor, who died the other day totally demented, was the last lady. I didn’t know her. I knew you, and you were the last true lady I knew, except for your best friend who is still going strong at 91. She drives, dances,works in her field, interior design, fully participates in life and forgive me, mommy, when I see her it’s wonderful, but it’s so hard to make myself. Reminds me too much….
Your grandaughter, my niece Jacquelin will be Bat Mitzvahed in November. She is beautiful. She is bright. She has your grace and charm. Compassion. Mommy she’s so compassionate. I’m her idol; you would like that, I know. Unlike us, she believes in a higher being. She’s even Kosher though I think that’s mostly by default. She eats very little–like her maternal grandmother.
I wish that just once you had been able to see her face. They have something for wet Macular now.
I reconnected with people from high school, yes me, yes really. I wish you and daddy had been here to to witness that. There were questions I wanted to ask only you. One of the girls’ mother had the treatment and can see faces. I am so happy for her. I wish that the treatment had been around when you were here
The book that I was going to write someday? Someday is here, and I thank you for listening to all my papers and critiquing them so incredibly. I wish that you were here to see it come to fruitation.
I wish that you were here to see my blog. I won’t attempt to explain what one is. Oh, I just wish that you were here.
I used to cry because I knew that you didn’t believe in anything but life. I would wonder if there was a heaven and only people who truly believed got in. Rafe would listen and tell me that if there is, it wouldn’t matter if you believed or not.
I never went through prolonged grief for daddy, or grief at all, and you know how much I loved him. It wasn’t until your death that I could cry. And I cried for both of you. Daddy’s death was sudden also, but we did have five days after the stroke to prepare ourselves.
My 90’s began in 91 when daddy died and ended in 01 when you died. I call it my dark decade because it was hard. I couldn’t bear you getting older. Nobody wanted to talk about aging then. Everybody does today and I’m tired of it. I know you understand that. You believed that life was to be savored and lived.
I wish I hadn’t gone to the movies with the girls the night before we were to celebrate your birthday. I wish I had spent the night at North Shore Towers. I didn’t and will never know if I had been there would you have fallen or not. I have stopped tormenting myself with that. I have stopped dreaming about people falling out of The Twin Towers with your face superimposed.
I tried getting group therapy. I know how much you loved and believed in that. Unfortunately all groups were for family members and friends of families and their mailmen and such.
I tried starting a group for family members of people who died around the time of the attacks but not in the attacks. Do have the credentials. I would have worked for free. I would have paid for the advertising but nobody wanted to admit that anybody but the victims families and people downtown suffered.
I ddn’t mean to get into this. It’s just that 9/11 season as I began to call it last year brings out the worst in me. I had a mother, the best mother, you, and my grief wasn’t acknowledged so it festered. Each year does become easier.
You were always telling me to take a walk or listen to music when I was in a bad mood. I debated playing a video from youtube, something else I won’t explain, “mama said,” or this song. I decided on this one because you loved life so much.
I will always carry you and daddy in my heart. I promise you that I will only allow myself to mourn a few days a year. I promise you that I will live life to the fullest. I have been and it feels so good.