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Personal Development, Non Verbal Learning Disorder and Me

September 28, 2007 By pia

I would like to kill thank Cooper for this. I have known Cooper since she was a 19 year old college girl with a blog. Now she’s a 22 year woman with a job and a blog. She has always had an incredible intellectual curiosity and a sly sense of humor; both traits that will take her far. Of course Cooper “called out” our beloved MizzyB so I cant 🙂

I have been thinking about what “personal development” is. I see it often attached to the law of attraction. Saying that I believe in personal development and that you attract if you do X Y & Z, is a bit like saying I believe in mother’s milk, and apple pie. That’s over simplifying and I’m going to over simplify even more.

People claim that the only obstacles between us and success are our own fears and stumbling blocks. Maybe that’s true for that person and many people but it’s not true for many of us.

I’m a talented writer. Does that mean I’m going to get a book deal? Probably not. Not because I’m not putting out positive energy or am lazy or don’t work hard, but because I have non verbal learning disorders with many learning disabilities. I call it Asperger’s social cousin who can’t tie shoe laces. That’s not really true. I can tie shoe laces.

My reading comprehension was always many grades above whatever grade I was in. That’s not supposed to be normal with NVLD nor is good judgement, something I don’t think I have but it’s always been judged excellent in the true school of judgement, job reviews.

I do have problems with decision making, planning, initiative, assigning priority, sequencing, motor control, emotional regulation, inhibition, problem solving, planning, impulse control, establishing goals, monitoring results of action, self-correcting, when it comes to myself.

I don’t trust my instincts. When I don’t trust them and listen to other people, I get into trouble. That might sound contradictory to the above, but I can only explain it as being highly intuitive. Therapy has only worked when the therapist honed in on that and tried to make me trust my intuition. They always did.

It would work for awhile but there would be new situations, new people–and I would always think that they knew better than I did. Fortunately, my survival instinct would kick in and let me do what I thought was right in the beginning.

I can establish goals etc., for other people which is where the excellent job reviews come in. I became a manager in my 20’s because I wasn’t capable of being a rote employee. I joke about that but it’s really not funny. I turn many things into jokes. Life’s a lot easier when you have a sense of humor about yourself.

I always had high pressure jobs and would burn out or think I had made tragic mistakes that hadn’t yet been discovered, and would quit. The mistakes were in my head, or other peoples. I spent my 34th birthday crying and screaming at my fiancee because law firms had sent me 100 boxes of documents–without an inventory and out of order. There were gaps in the numbers.

They refused to acknowledge this and my bosses told me it was my responsibility to assign the work. It was probably the only time in my life I refused to do anything until lawyers from the law firm looked at the documents. They grudgingly came weeks later prepared to battle me, and then looked at the boxes.

I always thought that analogous to my life. A perfect box of documents, totally out of order, without anyway of determining the order.

These are my biggest problems: motoric lack of coordination, severe balance problems, and difficulties with graphomotor skills.

visual-spatial-organizational lack of image, poor visual recall, faulty spatial perceptions, and problems with spatial relations.

Unless you have experienced these problems you have no idea how over whelming ordinary life can be. I have had it easier than most people with these problems. I come from a loving family though there are still times my sister will say to me:
“You’re not paying attention.”
“I am.”
“You’re not.” And so it goes and goes. She is much better about this but she really doesn’t quite get it.

Why should she? What newspapers or magazines talk about this problem? I never even heard of it until this past spring. It was the first time my problems made sense. I felt vindicated but sad that I had denied myself some truly great men and children because I, and no mental health professional, understood what was wrong. That said I have been blessed in friendship. Very blessed.

All my life I would say that I see space differently and don’t see what’s in front of me. My best friend:
“Put on your glasses.”
“No, you don’t understand. It has nothing to do with sight.”
“Put on your glasses.”

And so it goes. I used to feel that if I said “I see dead people” people would understand more.

As I said I have had it much easier than most people who suffer from this. My balance isn’t the worst and has been improving as i constantly do balance exercises. Something about me attracts people. I won’t go into how to the law of attraction works in my case.

I’m highly intuitive, as I said, and grasp many concepts instantly. If I don’t grasp them that second i will never learn them. When I went to grad school for social work it took me a few weeks to understand that the language of social work consisted of simple concepts turned into fancy language. Then school became the single easiest thing I have ever done. My school required a full year research course instead of a thesis. I did find that challenging in a good way. My teacher told me that I was going so far beyond the requirements I should transfer to the school of psychology–his school and become a research psychologist.

Unfortunately I still didn’t know what was wrong and feared just about everything from not getting in to burning out to becoming a crazy woman.

I’m pure potential and yet I’m limited. Do you have any idea what that feels like? There are times that I have felt perfect happiness. Other times I have felt that I have a brain injury that never had rehab. I have felt every emotion and feeling in between.

When people talk about personal development and the law of attraction, I have to ask: what do you have to offer me? Can you solve any of the problems I listed? Can you help me come to peace with a life that by definition has limitations?

Oh I’m fine with never learning how to drive. I think people miss a lot by not walking. I’m not polluting the atmosphere with a car. I have no problems taking public transportation–I grew up on the Long Island Rail Road and New York City buses and subways. I can traverse the world by myself. Can’t read a map to save my life though I love them, but I have always got where I was going without any problems. I still find airports exciting, and have no fear of flying.

It’s not traveling or being in new places that overwhelm me, it’s the little things in life. It’s not even organizing my physical space.

Right now it’s blogging. When I ask people not to email me more than twice a day it’s not because I don’t enjoy emails, it’s that my mind gets crazed from too much email and back and forth emailing all day. I have become obsessed with keeping my gmail account to less than ten percent. It just makes me feel calmer. I hate group emails and see no need for constant ones.

I have been blogging for three years. When people ask me to guest post or to do this or that and i say no, it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s because I have mentally reached my limit

I was a political blogger and had to moderate comments. Try being rational with somebody who claims you’re worthless because you don’t read the right bible or any bible as not just a guide to life but as the only source of information. Personal blogging was a release. I don’t moderate comments because it’s part of what overwhelms me.

Blogging can be a very expensive and time consuming mistress or in my case the male equivalent. I can no longer afford it in any sense. How my blog became so popular so quickly will always be one of the sweet mysteries of my life. I broke every “rule,” and still…Yet I always felt it to be overwhelming and wished that it built in popularity over time. But I have always been a person that people liked or disliked on sight. Things have always happened quickly or not at all.

That’s not really true. It took me eight years on and off and three schools to graduate undergrad school. At my first college I majored in fun. My second I majored in being overwhelmed by the problems all the fun had caused me. It wasn’t until I moved to Cambridge and went to Boston University that I was ready to be a real student.

I’m now on the ninth revision of I don’t know how many drafts of my book. I hope it gets published. But NVLD isn’t sexy like Aspergers. I find it ironic that I can set scenes, tell compelling stories, describe a character in several words and still there will always be something not quite…..I won’t self publish for many reasons.

Yes my problems were informally diagnosed as Aspergers but nobody was ever comfortable with that diagnosis as I am an extremely social person and have never had problems making and keeping friends. I do get overwhelmed and need more alone time than most people but that’s my choice. That’s a big difference between NVLD and Aspergers. People with Aspergers tend to be good with computers and might be clumsy but don’t have the other spatial problems. Another big difference. I was never in denial about Aspergers; I just knew that it didn’t fit well. When I finally found out about NVLD it all came together.

My best friend Lucia, the one who used to tell me to put on my glasses has learned how to teach me certain basic things about Word for example.

My world consists of many panic and anxiety attacks. I became so used to being yelled at for not being able to do many things when I was young, i automatically go into fight or flight mode–though I have excelled at so many things as an adult. The panic and anxiety attacks aren’t rational but most aren’t. Therapy never helped. I wasn’t even really neurotic, just crazed from living with these problems. Medication helps to an extent.

This past summer I was trying to walk over a crowd of several hundred thousand people. Lucia’s daughter, Little Luce, heard the anxiety in my voice in our phone call. I couldn’t see her though she was in an area where I should have been able to see her, and she’s 5’11” and was waving wildly. She talked me through that attack. She’s sixteen. I would love to call her and her mother out but they don’t have blogs.

Personal development is an every day battle for me and sometimes a luxury I can’t afford. Too busy trying to just live.
This all said I won’t live a NVLDcentric life. I both refuse to be labeled, and can’t afford a disabledcentric life in any sense of the word or concept.

I would like to add the following women to the personal development blog roll:
Chandira of Diary of a Hope Fiend for seeing the beauty in life.
Buffy Holt Her writing is always inspirational
G of Simply Said for always seeing the humor in sometimes difficult circumstances.
Puppytoes (among many other names) for being inspirational.

If y’all want to kill me, I’m just continuing what Priscilla Palmer began.
I would like to thank her for starting this.

I don’t have Windows and tried copying and pasting the blogroll. Didn’t work. One thing that I have learned is not to waste my time on things that I know I won’t be able to do. It’s not an excuse. It’s my world and welcome to it.

I know this was long. Once again welcome to my world. And I thank the friend who was just so curious…..

Filed Under: bloggers Tagged With: bloggers, neurobiological problems, non verbal learning disorders

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Comments

  1. cooper says

    September 29, 2007 at 12:25 am

    I original though eh but the more O thought about it the more you realize personal development is so…..well personal and there is much out there to learn from the personal development of everyone.

    I’ve learned much from you miss pia.

    • Brenda says

      December 20, 2015 at 7:56 pm

      I have NVLD and a BS in social work. I couldn’t get my SW masters because I failed statistics. This was after I graduated cum laude as a single mom, no math classes taken in the year 2000. How were you able to pass college stats to get into grad school?

      • pia says

        December 21, 2015 at 7:05 am

        This isn’t a blog that’s only about NLD. Cooper was a friend before I ever heard of NLD and wrote strictly about life.
        But I do have NLD and a Master’s in Social Work. Statistics didn’t come easily to me to but I understand the conceptual parts and was able to pass with a B- Everyone with NLD is different

  2. Miz BoheMia says

    September 29, 2007 at 11:07 pm

    I wonder if the male equivalent of “mistress” is a “mister”… Ha, ha, haaa! 😉 Lover, perhaps, will simply have to do… *sigh* There I go off on a tangent again!

    Hmmm…. I loved the post… loved your words… loved your honesty and sincerity and the strength that it takes to look in the mirror, see faults in ourselves and like ourselves anyway and move on… it takes a strong person to be able to do that…

    But as you know, I do believe in the law of attraction… it’s even simpler than what you state as the very basic premise of it is to dream away to a point where you feel amazing… FEEEEEEL GOOOOOD!!! And whether we have disabilites or not, as long as we can dream, there should be no stopping us… so dream away, don’t hold back and feeeel away my dear… take it from one who was in the depths of despair and is no longer so, as soaring away on feel good vibes has, and still is, worked wonders in my life…

    There is just such an underlying sadness in your words these days Pia that I want it to go away and “see” you smile again… so come on, and try it out, if only for me? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

    Yeah, only for you will I say something so silly! DIOS MIO!

    😉

    Big boho besos my dear Pia…

  3. Justino says

    October 8, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    As someone who was just diagnosed with NLD this past spring at 26 years old, I want to thank you so much for writing this! I have felt mots if not all of what you describe above and really apreciate finding out that Im not just a failure or crazy! will write more when I get time. once again thank you!

    Sincerely,

    Justino Rodriguez

    P.S. I will be graduating with my bachelors this spring 3 schools and 8 years after beginning as well! I will more than likely be accepted into a doctoral program for latin American and Caribbean history, yet i still feel like I’m stupid most of the time.

  4. Pekky says

    October 12, 2008 at 9:30 am

    I came to this blog by accident, looking for Non Verbal Learning Disorder. Much of this post would have been written by me! I will continue to read your blog, even if this is the only time you write about this, because you write so well!

    Peace!

    Pekky

  5. hannahcamille says

    May 12, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Please visit my blog on Nonverbal Learning Disorder. Thanks.

  6. Gillian says

    May 14, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    I am the mother of twin sons with a cluster of disabilities, including NVLD and so appreciated reading your story. My sons are 9 years old and school is, what seems, a never ending set of challenges for them as they try to navigate a system that says “One size fits all” which is false. Just last night my husband and I sat up way too late sharing our frustrations with the school system and trying to strategize about how we can help our sons to learn ourselves. I feel like the school has given up on them, is just shuffling them through the system, and I refuse to accept this. I read everything I can about their disorders, including NVLD and especially about”neuroplasticity” after reading the great book, “The brain that changes itself”. Please excuse me for going on so long, but I feel very isolated and it is hard to find others to talk with as I find anything that is an “invisible disability” seems to be perceived as somehow unreal by most people. At any rate I am thinking of starting a blog about our journey to help my sons and have very much appreciated your honesty about your experience.

    Gillian

  7. Karen says

    February 5, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Enjoyed your blog. I have a daughter with NVLD (age 9). Every day brings new challenges for her and for us. Knowing there are successful adults out there who are willing to share experiences about living with this disorder helps family members cope and hope.

    Thanks,
    Karen

    • pia says

      February 12, 2010 at 4:55 pm

      Hi Karen
      Thanks so much for commenting on my blog. NLD isn’t the worst of disabilities by far but I think the most insidious as it encompasses so many diverse problems.
      Thanks again
      ~pia

  8. Addle says

    February 21, 2010 at 1:37 am

    Please try to get your book published! It will never be perfect, nothing ever is, so don’t let that stop you. I loved it when you said NVLD isn’t sexy, like Aspergers. Hahahaha, it’s not! We don’t even get a cute nickname. NLD’er just doesn’t cut it.

    I also loved ‘I became so used to being yelled at for not being able to do many things when I was young, I automatically go into fight or flight
    mode-‘. Yep.

    I know you will understand when I tell you that the hardest part of a new job (unlike you, I hate jobs!) is not the myriad of seemingly unrelated facts that I need to incorporate into the lopsided landscape of my brain, but the fear that I will not remember my way to the ladies room, or how to exit the building, probably for at least the first week.

    Anyway, thanks for your efforts here. This is a funny and heartbreaking blog.

    Addle

    • pia says

      February 21, 2010 at 11:31 am

      Thanks. I’m trying.

      • Ginny Jacks says

        February 16, 2015 at 3:19 pm

        Pia, I just happened across your blog. My son is 27, still trying to attend college, but it’s not going well. He’s at his 4th school and is a sophomore. I can relate to SO MUCH that you wrote. You’re right…NLD is NOT SEXY. No one knows what it is, and certainly not just how PERVASIVE, DEVASTATING, AND LIMITING it is! I want to partner with some other NLD’ers to try to get the word out. Maybe even a name change, becuase NLD just doesn’t help. Anyway, I would love to be in touch with you somehow. If you see this, I hope you’ll send me an email, even if it’s very short and simply says you got my message. I would love to hear what you are doing now too, if you want to share that. Best of luck to you, Ginny Jacks, Spicewood TX

  9. Blondell says

    August 28, 2014 at 2:55 am

    I usually do noot leave a response, bbut I browsed a few responses on Personal Development, Non Verbal Learning Disorder and Me |
    Courting Destiny. I do have a couple of questions for you if
    yyou do noot mind. Could it be only me or does it appear like some of the
    rearks come across like they are written by brain dead individuals?

    😛 And, if you are posting at additional online social
    sites, I’d like to follow you. Would you list of all of all your public site lije your linkedin profile, Facebook page
    or twitter feed?

Trackbacks

  1. Courting Destiny » Blog Archive » 3WW–rumor; shake; spontaneous:Eventually everything gets put into Spam–fiction says:
    June 27, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    […] I had a page about non verbal learning disorder. Oh sweet irony of life, it didn’t work. This is an old post about what life’s like with it. This is another The thing is when you have a neurobioligical disorder it truly angers you when people say that everything can be solved by living in the moment and by other self help methods. My life has been easier than many as I have loving friends. family and some resources. But I had to figure out what was wrong. I deprived myself of so much and still am not a bitter person. That’s a miracle and I do feel blessed. I’m just beginning to get back into form. This is a pure exercise and a continuation of the Dinah stories. God knows why but I’m in love with names like Dinah and Delilah. The title is really for a longer story. I haven’t written that part yet but have it in my head. I’m also in love with the character Dinah as there’s so many places I can go with her. […]

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About Me

I live in the South, not South Florida, a few blocks from the ocean, and two blocks from the main street. It's called Main Street. Amazes me too.

I'm from New York. I mostly lived in the Mid-Upper East Side, and the heart of the Upper West Side. It amazes me when people talk about how scared they were of Times Square in the 1970's and 1980's.

As my mother said: "know the streets, look out and you'll be fine."

What was scary was the invasion of the crack dens into "good buildings in good 'hoods." And the greedy landlords who did everything they could to get good tenants out of buildings.

I'm a Long Island girl, and proud of it now.
Then I hated everything about the suburbs. Yet somehow I lived in a few great Long Island Sound towns after high school.

Go to archives "August 2004" if you want to begin with the first posts.

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