BlogFriday is a new feature. Check it out.
I haven’t really been commenting as this is a personal worst week for me. I will next week and have a more up post
When I began blogging three years ago people were looking for quality blogs to read. I got caught up in the whirlwind and in the game.
It’s different now. I can’t compete on the tech front as I’m totally spatially retarded nor did I think it was necessary to know more than basic HTML.
I lost my identity to blogging, yet it’s not the profession listed on my tax forms. I became consumed with keeping my “ranking” which did absolutely nothing for me but make me want to have a better one. Eventually I realized that I was playing a dangerous game.
I began my blog three years after 9/11. It did make my life and my world different. I live in Manhattan. My mother suddenly died a month later. Last night I was watching Concert for New York I remember none of it yet I know I watched it. It took place six days after my mother’s death.
While people were still in shock, I went into even deeper shock. Shock plus shock equals a huge electrical jolt and maybe breakdown of circuits. Only these circuits can’t be fixed with a switch of the circuit breaker or doing whatever a person does when they fix electricity.
There have been so many times these past years I have felt as if I lost my essence, and lost the person I was. I hope that I’m becoming a better person but there are times that I regress.
Blogging once helped. Now it hinders. I need my life to be conducted in the real world. I began to write a story, fiction, about an avatar, but had to stop. It felt as though I were writing about myself. No matter how real an avatar could be it can never be human.
I am human. And have all the foibles and more a person can have.
Six years, in total, later my life is very different. Blogging is a game that I once enjoyed. I enjoy getting to know bloggers, but after they have been my blogging friends for awhile I want to meet them.
I have been getting to know my real life friends all over again. We’re back to doing the when we’re 90 and not in great condition jokes.
I would love to take a vacation and not have my blog along. I no longer know what it feels like not to have a blog to keep up. I want to know what it’s like not to feel wedded to my blog.
I can’t see what’s good in blogging only the bad. I’m burnt from something that began as a minor hobby and turned into an avocation.
I would love to make money off my blog. Some people make much. Others claim to.
But most people delude themselves with pyramid schemes. I was brought up to spot a con and there’s nothing more in life I like than a good grifter. A good grifter would look at me and know in a second I can’t be conned, but appreciate the game.
Yet this virtual world is different. It took me a long time to sort out the many kinds of cons, of people who wanted, of people who befriended me as I can write. Writing is sometimes appreciated yet is the last skill needed for true blogging success. To be a successful blogger and I define that according to Technorati ranking one needs to sell something to people or to be snarky. There’s nothing I want to sell other than my writing and I have no desire to be snarky.
I feel that I have disappointed too many people by being merely human. If I were an avatar I would have wings and other magical powers but I have none.
Lately even writing has become a chore and writing is the thing I have always done for myself; to make me happy. My differences, the spatial retardation thing, are becoming more rather than less noticeable and I have to bring them into check.
I can’t and won’t nuke my blog. But I might not write in very often. Life calls.
I think it’s great that you don’t write all the time- it means you’re going to have something interesting to write about, rather than “I brushed my teeth this morning, just like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before…” (NOT that you ever write those posts – but a lot of people do)
There is a Miyazaki movie my family likes called “Kiki’s Delivery Service”. It’s about a young witch who leaves home and goes to another town alone for a year of training. Kiki only knows how to fly, so she starts a delivery service, but once the work becomes a chore to her, she loses the ability to fly.
She has to take herself out of the equation and think of others before that ability comes back to her, and she can continue on with what she once loved and be happy. Your situation seems very similiar.
I think it would be nice to have magical powers and be able to fly. I can, but only when I’m sleeping. I hope your blog becomes your friend again soon.
PS I found you on BlogFriday, by the way.
Your heart is elsewhere, your mind is elsewhere, when it comes back to your blog, I will read, if it chooses to go elsewhere, I will be grateful I got to read what I did.
I hope you get back to being whoever you wish to be… and are able to hold memories of your mom without so much pain.
Sure you have a super power, you may just need a bit more time to figure it out. Mine is being invisible! 😉