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I haven’t really been commenting as this is a personal worst week for me. I will next week and have a more up post
When I began blogging three years ago people were looking for quality blogs to read. I got caught up in the whirlwind and in the game.
It’s different now. I can’t compete on the tech front as I’m totally spatially retarded nor did I think it was necessary to know more than basic HTML.
I lost my identity to blogging, yet it’s not the profession listed on my tax forms. I became consumed with keeping my “ranking” which did absolutely nothing for me but make me want to have a better one. Eventually I realized that I was playing a dangerous game.
I began my blog three years after 9/11. It did make my life and my world different. I live in Manhattan. My mother suddenly died a month later. Last night I was watching Concert for New York I remember none of it yet I know I watched it. It took place six days after my mother’s death.
While people were still in shock, I went into even deeper shock. Shock plus shock equals a huge electrical jolt and maybe breakdown of circuits. Only these circuits can’t be fixed with a switch of the circuit breaker or doing whatever a person does when they fix electricity.
There have been so many times these past years I have felt as if I lost my essence, and lost the person I was. I hope that I’m becoming a better person but there are times that I regress.
Blogging once helped. Now it hinders. I need my life to be conducted in the real world. I began to write a story, fiction, about an avatar, but had to stop. It felt as though I were writing about myself. No matter how real an avatar could be it can never be human.
I am human. And have all the foibles and more a person can have.
Six years, in total, later my life is very different. Blogging is a game that I once enjoyed. I enjoy getting to know bloggers, but after they have been my blogging friends for awhile I want to meet them.
I have been getting to know my real life friends all over again. We’re back to doing the when we’re 90 and not in great condition jokes.
I would love to take a vacation and not have my blog along. I no longer know what it feels like not to have a blog to keep up. I want to know what it’s like not to feel wedded to my blog.
I can’t see what’s good in blogging only the bad. I’m burnt from something that began as a minor hobby and turned into an avocation.
I would love to make money off my blog. Some people make much. Others claim to.
But most people delude themselves with pyramid schemes. I was brought up to spot a con and there’s nothing more in life I like than a good grifter. A good grifter would look at me and know in a second I can’t be conned, but appreciate the game.
Yet this virtual world is different. It took me a long time to sort out the many kinds of cons, of people who wanted, of people who befriended me as I can write. Writing is sometimes appreciated yet is the last skill needed for true blogging success. To be a successful blogger and I define that according to Technorati ranking one needs to sell something to people or to be snarky. There’s nothing I want to sell other than my writing and I have no desire to be snarky.
I feel that I have disappointed too many people by being merely human. If I were an avatar I would have wings and other magical powers but I have none.
Lately even writing has become a chore and writing is the thing I have always done for myself; to make me happy. My differences, the spatial retardation thing, are becoming more rather than less noticeable and I have to bring them into check.
I can’t and won’t nuke my blog. But I might not write in very often. Life calls.