I took down the post above this. Someday I will get blogging right 3WW is of course brought to you by Bone In my Italics beneath the post I was really upset about my apartment–which should be ready for prime time next week. When I get upset about something I obsess over blogging–makes real life easier.
Everything was going wrong. She tried and tried and tried to get her life together. Most people didn’t understand. Life was simple to them. They made things happen or didn’t. No big deal Young girls pontificated over love, but everything else–simple.
They didn’t yet understand they had it backwards. Boys and men were simple. It was the rest of life that was hard. Her sleep had been disturbed by some dream not remembered. The windows were too tantalizing close. Direct hit from the nineteenth floor. Too messy.
She could walk the hour walk to the George Washington Bridge but by that time she would probably talk herself out of this mood. So many responsibilities. So many people on her payroll. She was losing money by the second but nobody cared about that. if she dissolved the company they would be out of work and there weren’t many jobs around, and even fewer that paid well.
She had always believed in doing the right thing. The right thing for her would be to end the company before it went bankrupt. She knew the people who worked for her well. She knew their families, even their lovers. Their problems were her problems. Her problems belonged to her only.
She had let this go on too long. She was covering bills from her personal accounts, and still people were asking for raises. When she finally tried to explain that the company hadn’t turned a profit in three quarters–“not my problem. I do my work.” “Yeah, when you feel like it,” she felt like screaming.
The company had been successful when she began it. Never trust an overnight success, she had thought 25 years ago. In heart she still felt like a fraud, a flash in the pan that just happened to last 24 years. She had been too young then. Too eager to please. Too caring.
Somehow she had never lost the people pleaser caring person. She could do hard negotiations as long as it would benefit the company and the people who worked for it. Sometimes she felt like a frigging benevolent dictator.
She regretted the decision she and her husband had made not to have kids. Well, she had made it, and he finally left for a young woman who knew that you could have bits of it all, but not all of it. People couldn’t understand that she truly understood why he did that. She hadn’t exactly been faithful. Boys were attracted to successful good looking women, and she had been attracted back.
Now she was supporting a boy who thought as long as they were together he would never have to do real work. She had ordered him out at midnight. One whine over the line….
In the still of the early morning she cried
As a blogger I had many lucky breaks. But I’m not technically proficient and it’s not because I haven’t tried. Have pulled some over nighters trying to do things I’m not capable of. Courting’s a custom blog. I have no idea what happened to the RSS feed and none of the WP tricks will work.
I will always keep Courting. It’s a part of me and I’m proud of it. But blogging now isn’t for the technically retarded. It’s not really about writing but keeping audiences happy. Quality writing? Everybody knows you save that for publication. Only where are all the bloggers in publications?
Yes I know. Posts shouldn’t be longer than 300 words. Nobody should express their personal discontent. Right now my life is in the toilet–rather literally–waiting for the plumber so I can spend even more money on my apartment. The plumber did come. He came to look–not work even though the acting super told him exactly what was wrong. I’m going to be charged a plumbing consulting fee. Nobody in this city can ever do a job immediately. Everybody has to look first. I’m having the bathtub glazed tomorrow. It’s an all day, or two, job. Fortunately I have another bathroom–but this toilet is next to the bathtub….
As no worker in this building respects me or my time, I’m beginning to fall into a horrible mindset. I was so psyched and positive for so long and I can’t be anymore.
I wish I could be all happy faces and smiley stickers. Sorry, so sorry, I can’t be
I know that all my posts aren’t top quality. if I ever do leave NY, I will go through Courting and keep the better ones–yes that can be done. There is no law a blogger can’t delete what she wants to in a personal blog paid for by her.
Until my life begins to go in a better direction this will probably be the last post. I’m so close to selling my apartment and feel as if it will never happen. As misery doesn’t love company–see I’m capable of real cliches, I don’t want to inflict myself on readers.
Such loneliness, very disturbing. You story so well. Thanks Pia!
One whine over the line…
LOVE that line, Pia. I laughed and laughed.
Let me tell you that you should not quit…blogs do not need to be 300 words long, when rss feeds disappear we probably did not cause it, blogging IS where we can practice (practice, practice, practice) for publication,rant, rave and express our discontent. It is our sanity island. And you have a beautiful blog here. I figure that if one line catches someone’s attention I have done my job. Yours today was “one whine over the live”.
Depression after disappointment is treatable…trust me I know.
b
Pia, I totally understand where you are coming from. From time to time I submit my haiku for publication and some are accepted and some aren’t. I can take it if they do not like my haiku but when they make up some silly reason why they are not literary enough for them it just kind of discourages me. I am not writing too much right now but prefer to read the words of others.
Things will get better…I promise and please come back soon we will miss you.
S
There’s no problem with the post quality. That was a great piece. I agree with Sandy, too. Practice writing here and then publish the result.
I hope you don’t give up… Destiny is always a good tale and would be missed. Too bad that life doesn’t always offer immediate rewards for doing well. I know!
Posts aren’t supposed to go over 300 words?!?! I’ve been doing this over a year and now you’re telling me that?
Well, geez, no wonder Bone always word counts ’em!
😉
Seriously Pia, write what you want, when you want. Blog like no one’s reading 🙂 No matter what you have to say, someone will always find something of relevance there. Always.
Your story is captivating. So much feeling and wisdom. I love this, “In heart she still felt like a fraud, a flash in the pan that just happened to last 24 years.”
Don’t give up. Keep blogging. I’ve just discovered you and you’ve got a lot to say that I want to hear. Life will get fun again.
I enjoyed it, I love the comment “you story so well”, that says it best.
It’s not about rules as much as it is about letting loose..Write so you enjoy…let the steam off …this could be one company that will soothe you & that WILL last…your words are a good vent..good friend too..And here is cliche boomeranged – life is a cycle..what has gone down today, will be up tomorrow..soon, if you keep winding & not let go. Great story. Keep going.
I depend on google reader. Thats works much better. One does not have to look out for rss feeds.
You are a good writer. Keep it up. No need to get dis-heartened.
good story, her loneliness comes right out.
sorry to hear you’re not doing well but I’m sure things will get better. I think you can write about anything you want, perfect or not.
Pia, your blog is yours to do with as you wish… that is the only rule that counts. There will always be someone that does not want to read someone else’s frustrations, BUT, there will be so many others that can relate to it in some way – and both want and need to have that sharing moment….
And as for the stories, they are always interesting. They stand alone proudly…
(I loved that line about one whine…)
Pia, I read your personal note first. I’ll go back to read the story in a minute.
You’re discouraged now because you have a lot going on. You’ll bounce back. just take some time off, or slow down on the blogging.
I find your fiction to be top drawer. You have an amazing imagination, and a great mind for spinning narratives. I hope you keep writing.
I just read your story- it has that film noir Raymond Chandler tone to it that many of your stories have. It must be the city setting, the worldly woman who has seen a lot, done a lot. Keep it up, Pia. You have a lot in you that needs to be written down.
geez, i luv your site… and your stories are some of the best.. as a beginning blogger i can truly appreciate your efforts to create your own blog from scratch… i enjoy that side as well.. but it has become so complicated have no time to write… still workin on it and yet to put it onboard.. anyhoo…another great story!!!… 300 words, i just got to six sentences… it’s always gonna be something just beyond our reach..
I think Christine said what I would like to say, but could never say nearly as well.
But as for this: Boys and men were simple. It was the rest of life that was hard.
I will chime in with a male perspective and that is, you nailed us. Figuratively speaking. If you can’t understand us, you’re thinking way too hard 🙂