I took down the post above this. Someday I will get blogging right 3WW is of course brought to you by Bone In my Italics beneath the post I was really upset about my apartment–which should be ready for prime time next week. When I get upset about something I obsess over blogging–makes real life easier.
Everything was going wrong. She tried and tried and tried to get her life together. Most people didn’t understand. Life was simple to them. They made things happen or didn’t. No big deal Young girls pontificated over love, but everything else–simple.
They didn’t yet understand they had it backwards. Boys and men were simple. It was the rest of life that was hard. Her sleep had been disturbed by some dream not remembered. The windows were too tantalizing close. Direct hit from the nineteenth floor. Too messy.
She could walk the hour walk to the George Washington Bridge but by that time she would probably talk herself out of this mood. So many responsibilities. So many people on her payroll. She was losing money by the second but nobody cared about that. if she dissolved the company they would be out of work and there weren’t many jobs around, and even fewer that paid well.
She had always believed in doing the right thing. The right thing for her would be to end the company before it went bankrupt. She knew the people who worked for her well. She knew their families, even their lovers. Their problems were her problems. Her problems belonged to her only.
She had let this go on too long. She was covering bills from her personal accounts, and still people were asking for raises. When she finally tried to explain that the company hadn’t turned a profit in three quarters–“not my problem. I do my work.” “Yeah, when you feel like it,” she felt like screaming.
The company had been successful when she began it. Never trust an overnight success, she had thought 25 years ago. In heart she still felt like a fraud, a flash in the pan that just happened to last 24 years. She had been too young then. Too eager to please. Too caring.
Somehow she had never lost the people pleaser caring person. She could do hard negotiations as long as it would benefit the company and the people who worked for it. Sometimes she felt like a frigging benevolent dictator.
She regretted the decision she and her husband had made not to have kids. Well, she had made it, and he finally left for a young woman who knew that you could have bits of it all, but not all of it. People couldn’t understand that she truly understood why he did that. She hadn’t exactly been faithful. Boys were attracted to successful good looking women, and she had been attracted back.
Now she was supporting a boy who thought as long as they were together he would never have to do real work. She had ordered him out at midnight. One whine over the line….
In the still of the early morning she cried
As a blogger I had many lucky breaks. But I’m not technically proficient and it’s not because I haven’t tried. Have pulled some over nighters trying to do things I’m not capable of. Courting’s a custom blog. I have no idea what happened to the RSS feed and none of the WP tricks will work.
I will always keep Courting. It’s a part of me and I’m proud of it. But blogging now isn’t for the technically retarded. It’s not really about writing but keeping audiences happy. Quality writing? Everybody knows you save that for publication. Only where are all the bloggers in publications?
Yes I know. Posts shouldn’t be longer than 300 words. Nobody should express their personal discontent. Right now my life is in the toilet–rather literally–waiting for the plumber so I can spend even more money on my apartment. The plumber did come. He came to look–not work even though the acting super told him exactly what was wrong. I’m going to be charged a plumbing consulting fee. Nobody in this city can ever do a job immediately. Everybody has to look first. I’m having the bathtub glazed tomorrow. It’s an all day, or two, job. Fortunately I have another bathroom–but this toilet is next to the bathtub….
As no worker in this building respects me or my time, I’m beginning to fall into a horrible mindset. I was so psyched and positive for so long and I can’t be anymore.
I wish I could be all happy faces and smiley stickers. Sorry, so sorry, I can’t be
I know that all my posts aren’t top quality. if I ever do leave NY, I will go through Courting and keep the better ones–yes that can be done. There is no law a blogger can’t delete what she wants to in a personal blog paid for by her.
Until my life begins to go in a better direction this will probably be the last post. I’m so close to selling my apartment and feel as if it will never happen. As misery doesn’t love company–see I’m capable of real cliches, I don’t want to inflict myself on readers.