I want to believe

I still have a blogroll. It just doesn’t show 🙂 It will later today. I don’t know whether I’m going to put my blog on hiatus until I’m more settled or not. I wanted my blog to glide along effortlessly until I was ready to return to real blogging. However….

I want to scream. All week it’s been too hot to go to the beach during the day. Not that I go all that much anyway and I live less than thee blocks from it. There are always errands; always things keeping me from it. But I go in the evening and walk miles. Last night I looked at the beautiful light falling over the ocean. Duh. Lightening–and not heat lightening.

Today I had to do something for the lawyer. Not my lawyer. The buyer’s lawyer. This might be a buyer’s market but I resented that. It was something stupid–I had to pay something that really wasn’t expensive. But the damn principle. I guess I hate it when people nickel and dime me as I’m so the opposite.

I feel like screaming. The walk made me sweat but didn’t do jack shit for my mood. I walked back with groceries, and groceries, a mile and a half at least and 90 degrees feels like 110 don’t go well together.

I hope to care about something other than this someday. But I thought I was through with renovating that apartment. I have to take the wall unit down–it’s built in–redo the wall and paint the living room. Well no, I’m not going to do it personally. I have a best friend who used to be a girl contractor. Though she volunteered and offered her daughter and all our friends I feel weird. Very weird.

I have to face up to demons, my own personal ones, I have been avoiding for a few years. I have to pack, arrange for the move, and do everything in one month. For so many months life dragged on but i was tied to my computer and cell. Glad I didn’t get a Blackberry or Apple Phone–would have died in the great cell in the sea incident.

I was so tired of waiting and now I don’t know how to describe how I feel other than crazed.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

There is nothing you cannot achieve if you want it enough, and if you keep telling yourself that fact you will be surprised at how quickly your dreams start coming true. Just make sure that what you think you want is what you truly desire. Don’t lie to yourself.

Usually I do feel like this. Today however my apartment is taking too long to go into contract and everything feels out of my control. I will probably feel differently tomorrow or maybe even this afternoon, but I so need to feel control over my life.

Being in control has always been the most important thing to me. I have been trying to learn to live without so much control, and thought that I was succeeding. But waiting slowly for each step with my apartment and then feeling guilty and as if I can’t write about it because at least I can sell my apartment. Why should I feel so guilty about something I have worked so hard for? The contract should have happened already and each hour that it doesn’t makes me think I will have nothing to feel guilty about.

It’s not as if selling my apartment is my end goal, though at times it feels it. I want to sell my writing. I know we’re supposed to be coy about that and if we get a book contract say that was the last thing on our minds, until the first comments come telling us how we didn’t work hard enough or some such thing, and then we’re supposed to say “What do you mean? I had a plan. I read every damn writer. I mimicked their styles. I studied proposals. I did this….”

I’m an insatiable reader. However I’m truly incapable of the master plan. The only way I can get a book contract is by writing a book. I have been.

My blog will be four years old this month. I will probably put in a lot of picture posts once I stop getting an error message when I try to. My article explained my problems. They’re not excuses but it’s hard to have my problems and feel that I’m not excusing myself from things that are so easy for most people.

I hate feeling the way I do. Vulnerable. Sad. Scared. Lately I have been imagining what my life would have been like if I didn’t have NLD and I have to deal with that loss also. The loss of self that could have been, and really should have been. I do feel robbed as I’m so close to “normal” and can truly visualize my more “perfect” self. I try not to do this but I have a feeling that it’s part of the process of reclaiming me.

And I do like me very much. I’m a great friend, sister, relative. I’m fun. It takes very little to get me laughing. I want to be laughing a lot more and hopefully will be shortly. I know I will be as I will be in New York for most of September, friends will be here later in the month, family will be here when I come back.

And hopefully I will get to buy a house. My bff Lucia said that’s when I’m going to turn into a true Puerto Rican as she’ll come down (she was a girl contractor) her sister C will be here, C’s husband W who was one of the original VP’s for Home Depot and a supporting cast–everybody has to inspect everything.

I was going to write a post about how my three best friends and I decided to share our homes when we get older. We will have two Manhattan apartments, a house in North Myrtle, a house on a Long Island Sound town and a house in Sag Harbor.

This way we can remain in control and not be dependent upon the one child among the four of us, or hopefully anybody else. And we will be laughing. A lot.