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3WW: Darkness; patronize; weaken–Monkey on my back; yes I love cliches especially drug ones

July 29, 2009 By pia

I didn’t mean for this to be horribly depressing. My life has been good, often great and gets better all the time.
I was just such a presence. Then I wasn’t. Then I was again.
Finding out I had nonverbal learning disorder gave me the strength to change my life completely. This blog has helped immensely. I have great friends and family. I’m truly blessed and would never think otherwise–except when my mood swings were pounding upon my head like the largest waves swelling into breakers.

Thanks Thom for the words.
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she’s ten feet tall

The first time I was addicted to drugs I was almost seventeen and formed a fast furious alliance with speed:
tiene usted Dexedrena? do you have Dexedrine? available at any farmacia.

The addiction scared me though wow did I love it. I was so fast; so accurate; didn’t care what people thought; my writing was so dense and filled with acute observations. If only I had been able to understand my handwriting. The entire addiction and withdrawal lasted three weeks. I knew it was bad for me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to easily find Dexedrine or its more mild spin-off Dexemil in New York. I was a suburban high school student…..

The second time? That was legal.

A prescription handed to me rather easily by a doctor when I was suffering and truly needed medication.

Who the hell would have expected me 21 years later trying harder than I have ever tried anything to get off it. I’m not known for being lazy. Slow at times. Balance and walk off kilter, always.

The medication that once relaxed me now leaves my foggy. My “memory of an elephant” as it’s called by several generation of New Yorkers seems to be deserting me. Sometimes I think I have become sort of stupid and much less insightful.

I had never been depressed before I began this med for anxiety. Sometimes it is like entering the darkness. Other times, I have mood swings that I watch and think “this is frigging absurd” and am able to control.

This med isn’t known for weight gain but I gained a bit after going on it–I was very skinny so it didn’t really matter.

About nine years after first going on the med I found myself gaining real weight. My metabolism, once fast and hyper, had slowed down. I was sluggish and always tired so I drank mega doses of caffeine. At first and for a long time I put this down to “normal aging.” In my heart I knew it wasn’t.

I could control the depression and mood swings through changing my thought patterns–I excel at practicing cognitive therapy on myself. I practiced cognitive therapy constantly and began to think that I shouldn’t spend so much time pumping myself up.

I would become agitated–that I couldn’t control. Nor could I control the middle of the night panic attacks that felt as if my heart was attacking my chest. It wasn’t. I did have that checked.

Yes a med prescribed for panic attacks was giving me them. But it took me a long time to understand that.

Most of my normal panic attacks now happen when I’m in a stadium and have to go up the bleachers or in a very large group of people such as the picnickers at the symphony in Central Park two weeks ago. They’re easy to control now that others understand that I can’t measure space well. I always knew that but doctors laughed at me.

Slowly I realized I was on a med for panic attacks and anxiety when my problems had become all about the meds. The only thing I truly became anxious over was getting Klonopin.

A doctor I used to see called me, rather dramatically: “a legal drug addict.” The dosage prescribed only kept the addiction from becoming a horror withdrawal story and this drug has many horror withdrawal stories. To feel the physical calmness I would have to take more pills.

I went off it too quickly–but in the two weeks since lowering the dose I have felt calm. Real calm not a physical drug calm. I have had no mood swings. I have had an ongoing stomach ache which I liked at first as I was losing weight rather rapidly. I have never had hot flashes or night sweats. The past week I have woken myself up sweating. I like that as I think it’s getting the toxins out and really I shouldn’t be using a winter comforter and chenille blanket during the summer.

I have never been on a large dosage. Still it’s harder than hell to get off. I plan to be off it or on a very small dose within the next three months.The drug store I patronize has upped the price considerably. The generic has never worked for me. Usually generics are just as good or better but Klonopin’s different. It’s out of line pricey everywhere. Even if I wanted to continue with Klonopin I couldn’t afford it I’m not insured for anxiety or any similar problem.

I want to live a long and happy life with a good mind and body. Already my memory is coming back. I don’t stumble over myself trying to remember words. My mind has been feeling lighter and free from problems. I’m a bit hyper, but it’s the good kind of hyper. Productive hyper that doesn’t scare me.

Supposedly you’re supposed to become more anxious and have more of any problem Klonopin once controlled while in withdrawal.

I’m afraid I lowered the dose too much as yesterday I began to not like the way my body feels. I don’t want the worst side effects. That was two days ago. My muscles no longer feel as if they’re contracting. (That might have been in my head as it stopped when I would do things.) The worst might be over. I don’t know. I’m trying not to up the dosage as I do feel good, but scared. Not of the drug addiction but of my future. I began this med when in my 30’s and in someways feel I’ve never grown past the age I was when I began it. I wonder how many things I screwed up because my mind was foggy? Did it exacerbate instead of help my nonverbal learning disorder? (NLD; my NLD is mostly of the motor skills kind)

And yes I’m afraid that at any moment I will have convulsions and seizures as they’re so often mentioned as side affects. Do I have any symptoms of that? No, but you never know…..

This is the first post in what I hope will be a success story. I won’t let myself weaken.
I feel absurd posting this but that’s never usually stopped me 🙂

If it’s scattered I apologize. Next July I turn 60. Hard for me to believe but. (Seeing this in print panics me, but not in a need med kind of way.) I want my 7th decade to be as prescription drug free as possible.

Please understand I desperately need medication when I began and wasn’t using this as a crutch.

I can’t go back to a larger dosage. I’m beginning to feel free. As in free at last….

Filed Under: 3WW Tagged With: 3WW, being an adult with non verbal learning disorder (nld), non verbal learning disorders, nonverbal learning disorder

« Bless you(r) heart, Miss Pia, you look divine….
Mea Culpa and Thank You »

Comments

  1. Melissa says

    July 29, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    We can learn a lot from people or about people by listening. There’s a lot of lessons someone could benefit from if they choose to read this.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. TC says

    July 29, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    I think having a goal of being as drug-free (even prescriptions) as possible is wonderful. Drugs, even mild ones, can be habit-forming with such ease. It’s all too easy to see how people get hooked.

  3. Linda Jacobs says

    July 29, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    I admire your strength! Sounds like your head is in the right place.

  4. sage says

    July 29, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    I never knew Janis Joplin wrote that–I just assumed it was Grace Slick. Good luck beating your drug demons and live it up at 59!

  5. ThomG says

    July 29, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    This wasn’t scattered at all. It was painful to read, of course, since you and I have gained a small slip of friendship and I hate to see my friend in pain. But you saw what you needed to do and are doing just that. Thanks for the bravery.

  6. b says

    July 29, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Dear Pia,

    It just hits me every day how much we all have in common! Could it be that those of us that write, write, write use it as a form of therapy for those things we have a hard time controlling. I know you will get this one thing under control though. Fiddle with it until you get it right. I am sure you have heard this before but we all know that figuring out what was wrong was the hard part.

  7. Bone says

    July 29, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    that’s never usually stopped me

    That’s such a you line 🙂

    First off, this was very well written. But more importantly, I applaud you for taking the initiative to try and get off these meds. You will always have my encouragement and support.

  8. Bobbie says

    July 29, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    This is anything but scattered. It was very together and a smooth read. Prescription addiction is so powerful and common now. Keep going! You will be free 🙂

  9. cooper says

    July 29, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    That was beautifully written though, as someone already mentioned, painful to read, that in itself is not a bad thing.
    I know many drug addicts. most of them addicted to legal drugs, and I know several success stories. If anyone can do it you and South Carolina can. I am here always.

    Slowly is the way for going off from what I’ve heard. No rush.

  10. Mark says

    July 29, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    Hardly scattered. Focus and logical.

    Not to mention sad, yet uplifting as the same time.

  11. quin browne says

    July 29, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    and the truth shall set you free.

  12. Tumblewords says

    July 29, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    A well written post – descriptive and honest. I admire your tenacity and your ability to change your life. I was addicted to cigarettes for a long time and was really pleased to chuck them and get on with living… Good luck and good life to you – thanks for sharing this bit of inspiration and humanness!

  13. susan says

    July 29, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    This was difficult to read not because of your writing (you’re always clear, Pia) but because I addiction runs through my family like a river.

    It takes a lot of courage to be this honest with self. To share it says more about you that we can only admire.

    Be well.

  14. pjd says

    July 30, 2009 at 1:20 am

    I struggle to truly understand what someone with a learning disability faces. I have been graced with no such issues, and the more I listen to people who suffer from them, the better I understand. When our older son was very little, he had some issues. My wife thought it might be Asperger’s, but in research it seemed much more like NLD. The neuropsychologist said he was wired correctly but just very anxious by nature and also quite obstinate. Some days it’s still a real struggle with him because he experiences the world in a different way, somehow.

    Medications really scare me. I live in a town that loves its meds. Antidepressants are as common as Advil. The moment a kid acts normally bored in class, he’s loaded with ritalin. My wife became a minor celebrity at the local hospital because she went through non-drug childbirth–twice!–and only a handful of the nurses had ever even met someone who gave birth without drugs. But medication really scares me because I think we are such complex creatures that we will never truly understand all the effects they have. But really, it’s no different than going to McDonald’s, I guess. Most of the foods we eat are loaded with similarly mysterious chemicals.

    No idea where I’m going with this. Just thanks for posting your story, and keep in mind that aging does have its own effects. As the drugs leave your system, you may only be feeling the normal physical effects of nature. I’m only 42, but as a lifelong athlete I feel the effects of aging every day.

  15. Doug says

    July 30, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Wow. I’m impressed there was something you held back this long. Like Coop, I have faith and am here.

  16. Jacob says

    July 31, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    I am here for you.

    Visualization. I know it sounds all new agey and stupid, but I have an old friend from college who was addicted to Percodan and Valium and he swears by it.

  17. MichaelO says

    July 31, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Pia,

    This was a very cogent and brave confession. In reading this, I feel we are on different paths with similar resolves. Your description of brain fog and loss of words is so similar to the state I was in when I was diagnosed with Addison’s. Of course, now I have to take hydrocortisone three times a day. It’s like an addiction of sorts because if I forget to take it, I go to shit (as I write this I realize I’ve forgotten my lunch time dose! Aack). So my new addiction keeps me from feeling like you do when you’re on yours! Here’s to clearer thinking! I’ve found the blogging exercise has really helped me move forward again. I hadn’t written (or read) for a couple of years and I was beginning to lose confidence in myself.

    Go forward in light, Pia!

  18. lucy says

    July 31, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    you are so brave to share so honestly what you’ve been through and continue to conquer.
    It upsets me how many docs throw meds at us and then become sarcastic about our dependency. in my eyes you are Already a success story.. and on your way to living the rest of your LONG life feeling free!
    I hope u continue to share your successes with us Pia!

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About Me

I live in the South, not South Florida, a few blocks from the ocean, and two blocks from the main street. It's called Main Street. Amazes me too.

I'm from New York. I mostly lived in the Mid-Upper East Side, and the heart of the Upper West Side. It amazes me when people talk about how scared they were of Times Square in the 1970's and 1980's.

As my mother said: "know the streets, look out and you'll be fine."

What was scary was the invasion of the crack dens into "good buildings in good 'hoods." And the greedy landlords who did everything they could to get good tenants out of buildings.

I'm a Long Island girl, and proud of it now.
Then I hated everything about the suburbs. Yet somehow I lived in a few great Long Island Sound towns after high school.

Go to archives "August 2004" if you want to begin with the first posts.

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