Someday….someday’s now

In 91 my father went to the big poker game in the sky.  In 01 my mother went somewhere not here.

You hope they reunited but your mother wasn’t betting on it.  You think they had some kind of Houdini signal he was supposed to send her if there was something up there and some way of communicating.  Houdini and his wife made up a signal.  If there was an afterlife she would know because she would receive his signal.  It never happened.  You don’t know the signal but you know the story because your father was into levitating tables and Ouija boards and more.  Your mother made him stop.  Still you think she wanted the signal more than anything in later life.

You don’t want to say you have a fear of years ending in “1” because that sounds so wimpy. And people will assume you’re scared of another 9/11.  You’re more scared of the idiots who blamed Obama for the last miss.  Big difference between 8/06/01 memo sitting on Bush’s desk and officials who did screw up but weren’t in the Oval Office.  Not that you think Obama’s perfect but Bush didn’t inherit two wars, “the worst recession since….,” and all the fallout.  He helped cause all that.

You don’t want to say you’re confused about the past decade; it had certain incredible highs and lows like you have never experienced and hope never to experience again.

You hate the way people waffle around 9/11 or make it Todd Beamer Appreciation Day.   Most of it happened in New York and that should be always acknowledged.  Not that you’re not appreciative of Todd Beamer.   But that day really did change your life because your mother became so addled, yet not addled enough to require emergency measures.  The day she fell and died not just added to your guilt meter but made it run so fast the guilt company couldn’t keep with it and therefore demanded their overdue payment much later in the decade.

How can you complain when there are so many people with less than nothing?  You don’t want to say that your addiction to HGTV has made you cynical.  Sometimes people put down substantial down payments but other times they put down five percent or work out arrangements so that the mortgage and/or second mortgage covers 100%.  How can they call themselves homeowners?  They’re renting from the bank.  You couldn’t understand this in the 90’s; you find it unbelievable today.

You’re far from perfect.  You have an unnatural fear that the above belief will cause you to lose everything you have.   Bad Karma.  And Karma is everything to you.

You did big things last year–well beginning in 07.  You sold an apartment and bought and renovated a house.  It is a big deal and yet you say “piece of cake.” “If I could do this anybody could.”

But not everybody has a disability that causes many people to give up completely, live off other people, work in sheltered workshops despite having multiple degrees.  Of course you’re on the highest end of this spectrum.  Sort of like having  a “bit of Asperger’s.”

Still you never knew.  You worked and worked your tush off in your 20’s and 30’s while living in an apartment that was totally unrenovated and required constant care. Your neighborhood was store unfriendly.  One of the happiest days of your life was the day a Duane Reade opened five blocks from your apartment.  You would get there at eight on Saturday mornings–the only time it wasn’t packed and buy cleaning supplies and much more.

You’re obsessively clean now because you couldn’t be then. You thought it was a combination of laziness and living in an old old apartment that was party central.

Your father thought you could be the neatest person in the world if you only tried.  Your father was always yelling.  Always telling you how great you could be if only….He didn’t know and by the time he realized (after the damn testing) he only had a few years left.  Your father was your greatest admirer and your greatest foe.  You should probably be in therapy for life just to understand that relationship.

A friend was just saying he found Elizabeth Gilbert’s story banal because he knows you and you went to Europe by yourself many times and have overcome much greater odds than Gilbert will ever know.  He actually called you a “hero.”  That was so sweet.  Actually he said “you’re much more of a hero than she is.”  But…

And so a new year begins.  You never make resolutions.  You have accomplishments you want to make happen.  You’ll work your tush off to make them happen.  But if they don’t…..You do have one resolution.  Stop using the word “actually” constantly.