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Wives & mothers

January 9, 2010 By pia

3WW is below this. I took this post down as I thought it whiny and self centered.  Then I got an exceptional email and this comment from Cooper that was originally on the post below.  I moved it.  I replied as I now have a blog that belongs in the what do we call this decade? 20/10’s?  This blog is a pleasure and I thank Cooper the magnificent for all her work.  She’s also one of the few people I enjoy having generational difference discussions with.

I belong to one org that uses the word “wives” to refer to all women as they think the word “girlfriend” has been over used.  Girlfriend is one word, or two, that I can’t use enough.

I just saw a blog promoting “mom” as meaning all people who are child friendly.  I love kids but I’m not a mom.

I think both these words are regressive and demeaning when used in those contexts.  I’m a single childless woman with many girlfriends.

However if companies decided to send me products to test because they think I’m a mom I would gladly accept and break my five year rule of no product endorsement.  Only because being a mom is seen as being much more worthy than not being a mom in the blogosphere and I guess being a wife is also much more worthy.

I thought these battles were fought and won many years ago.  I thought it was alright to be who I am.

I’m learning from the blogosphere and the world of social networks that really people only said those things.  In their hearts they believe a woman, unless a lesbian, should be married with kids.  Or be married. Or have kids.

I don’t usually feel lonely nor do I rethink every decision in my life.  I’m writing a book that delves into my past and sometimes it hurts to thinks of decisions I did or didn’t make.

But it’s my trip through the virtual world that made me feel lonely this cold cold day.  I don’t think people understand the power of words to hurt when they declare all women “wives” or all woman who like kids “moms.”

What I’m really trying to say and failing at, is that by calling all women “wives” and “mom,” my single childless status is diminished.  And when I reread that I think “you’re single and childless.  You haven’t invented anything that helped humankind.  You haven’t done anything noteworthy.  You’re a failure.”

Such is the power of words.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: ramblings

« 3WW: Epic; drain; nibble. Fiction: Older not wiser
3WW: jolt; ribbon; zeal: fiction »

Comments

  1. cooper says

    January 10, 2010 at 7:04 am

    oh hell I wanted to comment on the thing in my reader – you must have deleted it.

    That having been done admittedly here goes – by not being a mother you haven’t produced a sociopath, a murderer or a fool.

    As for wives, as wife originally meant “women” I see nothing wrong with taking it back, it’s probably preferable to do so but as with taking back anything it often takes too much energy best spent on other things, though I wouldn’t have preferred the term..

  2. pia says

    January 10, 2010 at 7:08 am

    But Cooper how many people know what “wife” originally meant? And how many people know it to mean “shrew” and the like if you’re going back into old English?
    When I was growing up “wife” and “mother” were the only truly acceptable statuses for women. I refuse to say I’m so old life’s retro and terms that women my age and older worked hard not to be used as mainstream are now the norm again.
    I watched my father change his expectations and it wasn’t easy for him or for me as the only career he deemed worthy of an unmarried childless woman was law. But the larger point is that I watched an entire generation of men go from being Archie Bunker to being sort of feminist. I don’t want that to end

  3. SylphSong says

    January 10, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    *Deep sigh*

    I’m going to let you in on a little secret Pia… I never wanted to be a mom and I never wanted to be a wife. Never. The latter was a simple fix – it lasted a year and reiterated for me that my original choice was the right one for me. I am just not “about” the conventional marriage. I’m not, have never been and will never be a “wife”.

    Bean happened during that year and it was ugly… I did not want her (at the time she was “the baby”… or “my pregnancy”) and it sounds horrible and hateful and selfish and sick, I understand that. Now… I do not remember life without her and I cannot imagine it; don’t want to. She is an extension of my heart that I didn’t realize I was capable of. I’m not a “mom”, I’m a mommy… to one little person, and mostly, I am still just me.

    You are a whole person, Pia. A beautiful, warm, amazing person. You are Pia, the woman, the friend, the artist, the creator, the helper, the joy, the ironic… the only Pia I have ever known or will ever know.

    Perfect.

    <3

    PS: <3

    • pia says

      January 10, 2010 at 3:09 pm

      Wow Pixie even in your comments you’re singular and sensational. I can’t imagine you without Bean and marriage seems to suit you so well. Thank you for sharing–hate that expression but. I also can’t imagine you using words that would hurt anybody for any reason–though of course we all do.
      It’s not that I usually think about choices I made a long time ago. They werre choices I made for what I thought were selfless reasons–not wanting to subject a man to me full time and not raising a child when I had problems and had no idea what they were. Now I realize that I probably would have been the opposite of bad but….
      Yesterday was a cold bone chilling day and it’s often bad when I spend too much time reading blogs or websites that aren’t too familiar to me
      I don’t want names to define me but I don’t want them to define what I’m not I’m not in the mood I was yesterday but I still think there are better more inclusive words to describe both girlfriends and people who like kids and aren’t parents–and of course in 2010 I have to add aren’t pedophiles.
      Mostly I think people should be aware that language can send
      And stop me. I’m going to write longer comment replies than posts 🙂

  4. TC says

    January 10, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    I truly think this is one of the best posts you’ve written in a really long time. It’s exceptional, not whiny, not self-centered.

    I had the pleasure of reading it anyway, thanks to Reader, but not everyone was so lucky, so I think it’s wonder you reposted it.

    being a mom is seen as being much more worthy than not being a mom in the blogosphere and I guess being a wife is also much more worthy.

    I thought these battles were fought and won many years ago. I thought it was alright to be who I am.

    Those lines are the heart and soul of the post.

    There’s nothing wrong with being a wife. There’s nothing wrong with being a mother. But there’s nothing wrong with not being one of those either, and no matter what you are – wife, mother, or neither – it shouldn’t matter.

    I personally think some of these women who insist on calling you one or the other never outgrew junior high and still have to put everyone into a clique.

    • pia says

      January 10, 2010 at 5:06 pm

      Thanks TC. It was your wonderful email that made me put it back in I love being with kids. My relationships with my niece and Goddaughter are two of the most important in my life. But I never forget that they have great moms.
      I think these women honestly think the words express less than they do

    • Bone says

      January 10, 2010 at 9:50 pm

      Lighten up, TC. Why is your avatar so mean? I don’t care for your demeanor 🙂

  5. Doug says

    January 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Really? WIfe used to mean “Woman?” I thought it only applied to harpies.

    • pia says

      January 10, 2010 at 9:21 pm

      Doug: “wife bring me a flask.” Maybe all women were harpies. I forget. Know we were all shrews so….

  6. Sage says

    January 10, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    As a man, this may be venturing where angels refuse to tread or however that cliche goes…

    You are Pia, you are a woman…

    I get so tired of people defining themselves primarily by their relationships (as well as their sexuality, occuption, political leanings, etc). Its as if we have to primarily relate to people as a member of a group and not as an individual, a person.

  7. pia says

    January 10, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Thanks Sage. You’re venturing where men should go. Thank you, I am woman don’t hear me roar.

    I do too. We’re people not sums of relationships, sexuality, occupation, politics etc. But then I couldn’t live here if I believed we were and I would rather believe that individuals are the people one wants to know if that makes sense

  8. Bone says

    January 10, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    I kinda feel like Sage on this one. Though I can relate to part of it, as I do sometimes think about how and I’ll be remembered. And if.

    I’m sorry you were feeling lonely and less than something on this day. I will always think of you as one of the very first people who took an interest in my writing and believed in me.

    • Bone says

      January 10, 2010 at 10:16 pm

      Also, my friend. And the Queen of Blog Explosion 🙂

      I know I’m not in the running for the Quality Commenter of the Week Award, but I’d settle for Most Frequent–the comment award equivalent of Miss (or Mister) Congeniality?

  9. Bone says

    January 10, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Also, this is why I usually just refer to all females as chicks 🙂

  10. pia says

    January 11, 2010 at 4:52 am

    You call women chicks? In your sleep?

    You have the Mr. Congeniality in a very strange way award 🙂

    Thanks much
    This was in reverse order to your comments

  11. one more believer says

    January 11, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    hi pia, haven’t been around in awhile and glad i did…was going down the list of 3wwrs this week and here i am…great new website too… enjoyed yr post as well as reading the comments… in some ways it was painful to read the word failure… i don’t like that word at all!!!… having lived a life regardless of our decisions coming all this way how can we as women be so susceptible to words and categories…

  12. pia says

    January 11, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Thanks and welcome back. I don’t feel myself a failure; I do feel myself a byproduct of words. I guess I’m on a mission to make people think about their word choices. I love words too much to use them without thinking about how they affect both the piece and possibly people. Sometimes I don’t and always regret that

  13. TC says

    January 11, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Bone: I don’t care much for the avatar, so 😛

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I live in the South, not South Florida, a few blocks from the ocean, and two blocks from the main street. It's called Main Street. Amazes me too.

I'm from New York. I mostly lived in the Mid-Upper East Side, and the heart of the Upper West Side. It amazes me when people talk about how scared they were of Times Square in the 1970's and 1980's.

As my mother said: "know the streets, look out and you'll be fine."

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Then I hated everything about the suburbs. Yet somehow I lived in a few great Long Island Sound towns after high school.

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