This is the saddest story I have read in a long long time
The other night I watched The Kids Are Alright an amazing slice of life movie that left me wanting more and thinking. Julianne Moore’s character was empathetic from the beginning. Annette Bening’s character had to earn my respect and like. She did an incredible job. Bening is one of my favorite actresses.
The Kids Are Alright is about a lesbian couple who have two kids. The older kid, the daughter turns eighteen and for reasons I won’t go into finds the sperm donor.
I always thought of my birth father as the sperm donor. My birth mother wouldn’t tell me much about him. They had dated for a long time she said but he was Irish Catholic and that was a big no no. I know his name was John. She wouldn’t tell me his last name. Yes my birth father was a John. (As a collector of truly awful jokes I love that one.) He was born and died in the same town when I was between twelve and fourteen. After my birth mother told him about me he married somebody else and had three children. So I have three half-siblings I’ve never met. I would like to meet them.
But they don’t know about me and even if I could somehow find them I’m not sure I would want to disrupt their lives. I realized that the major problem between my birth mother and I was that we didn’t live up to each others fantasies. I didn’t think I had any, yet….
I know subconsciously I was looking for a woman who looked more like me, was a reader, intellectual and had a rapid fire wit. She turned out to be a nice ordinary woman and I hate my younger self for putting such constraints on her yet I can’t be harsh on me as I had no model or guidebook. (I’m sure you all figured this out within the first two paragraphs of the first post!)
I know we need more books, movies and all media on adoption, sperm donors, and every other way many modern families are conceived. Because I still wouldn’t know how to play a meeting with her (if we hadn’t met already,) my birth father (were he alive and I’m not really sure he died but I am cynical) and his family.
I do believe I was absolutely justified in meeting her. As to the rest I’m not so sure and would love input. My sister and I have made some preliminary research plans but I keep backing out.
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I will never forget the scene in American Beauty where Bening, a real estate broker, goes to a client’s house and immediately begins straightening a chandelier and cleaning. It was so real. American Beauty was also the first movie in a series–well the second time I saw it I went with Lucia, my best friend, and told her to look for something. I didn’t tell her what or that it was an object not character.
She started screaming: “they (Annette Bening and Kevin Spacey) have your kitchen!” I screamed also. Yes. I. Did. In the middle of one of New York’s biggest, filled to capacity, multiplexes. We have no shame when it comes to certain things.
It was a bit embarrassing but I was to come to realize that the white (usually called) Newport cabinets with brushed metal or stainless knobs, and black with gray speckled granite counters and even floors, (mine was) stood for a certain kind of American 90’s affluence in films. Of course my kitchen was minuscule but…Lucia and I are house object freaks. Our homes express us which I guess was the one of the reasons I reacted to my birth mother’s lack of house personality so badly.
Forgive my rambling. I just wrote the first draft of my second Psychology Today blog post and will let you know….Oh you know I will. Thanks all. The stats have been above my expectations and I would love them to be higher, much higher. I’m learning the not very subtle art of shameless self-promotion, and actually feel good about it as I know I have a great product. Thanks me!!!!!!!
I certainly don’t have experience in finding birth parents or sperm donors… though my father and I don’t have a relationship anymore besides christmas letters every year (we never fought… I don’t know what happened, he’s just done his own thing since I graduated high school), but I’m a need-to-know sort of person, so my thought is go out and find your birth father’s family when you are ready (and give yourself as much time as you want).
I’ve heard people say that before, about disrupting birth parent’s families lives, but I think people can be accepting of family from all angels. I would be anyway, it wouldn’t be disruptive to me, but sort of exciting.
I’m Irish Catholic by birth on my mother’s side (sullivans and Dorseys) i’m not religious at all, but I’m proud of my ancestors culture. I had no idea there was supposed to be a historical animosity between Irish Catholics and Jewish people.
@Anna
Oh it was the difference in religions that her family was against. I don’t know his last name. Know approximate age and a few other details but really looking for a “John,” in that state would be hard…
I don’t think people can be accepting from all angles. I know my birth mother wanted me to be somebody I wasn’t and I couldn’t pretend to be the person she wanted–couldn’t rent a husband, two kids and a convertible–well maybe I could have but…
I’d definitely want to meet half siblings. Parents, I don’t know, but half siblings for sure.
But you’re right: it’s not just about what you want, you do need to think about how much it would disrupt their lives.
Can’t wait to see your next PT post.
I think that if you and your sister want to try and locate your half-siblings, you ought to.
I uh… actually don’t have anything else to say on the matter. Go for it! If it turns out being a bad idea, there’s nothing that says that you need to stay in touch.
Great post, Pia. I’ll have to watch The Kids are Alright now.
I was stuck in comment purgatory for awhile but finally made it through.
I loved American Beauty.
I think I’d be more inclined to prefer meet the sibling over the parent because I think giving birth doesn’t make you the parent but being a sibling…that would be something I’d want to investigate. But that is me and I’ not in that situation, so I don’t know for certain what I’d do.
Can’t wait for your next piece.
Me too. And I smiled at your connection with Annette Benning in American Beauty. I can see you straightening the chandelier.
Interesting post–i think that if I had been adopted, I’d want to meet parents, siblings, etc. Most of us seem to have a desire to know from where we came. But it is hard not to be disappointed for most of us, I think, will have preconceived ideas.
I guess it’s easy to say without being in the situation. But if I had a half-sibling, I think I’d want to meet them. Or even a quarter-sibling 🙂 Wait, is that even possible?
Love books, movies and music that leave you wanting more.
Oh, I had somehow missed this post. Kept thinking I’d read it, but it was part two I had read, not part three.