This is the saddest story I have read in a long long time
The other night I watched The Kids Are Alright an amazing slice of life movie that left me wanting more and thinking. Julianne Moore’s character was empathetic from the beginning. Annette Bening’s character had to earn my respect and like. She did an incredible job. Bening is one of my favorite actresses.
The Kids Are Alright is about a lesbian couple who have two kids. The older kid, the daughter turns eighteen and for reasons I won’t go into finds the sperm donor.
I always thought of my birth father as the sperm donor. My birth mother wouldn’t tell me much about him. They had dated for a long time she said but he was Irish Catholic and that was a big no no. I know his name was John. She wouldn’t tell me his last name. Yes my birth father was a John. (As a collector of truly awful jokes I love that one.) He was born and died in the same town when I was between twelve and fourteen. After my birth mother told him about me he married somebody else and had three children. So I have three half-siblings I’ve never met. I would like to meet them.
But they don’t know about me and even if I could somehow find them I’m not sure I would want to disrupt their lives. I realized that the major problem between my birth mother and I was that we didn’t live up to each others fantasies. I didn’t think I had any, yet….
I know subconsciously I was looking for a woman who looked more like me, was a reader, intellectual and had a rapid fire wit. She turned out to be a nice ordinary woman and I hate my younger self for putting such constraints on her yet I can’t be harsh on me as I had no model or guidebook. (I’m sure you all figured this out within the first two paragraphs of the first post!)
I know we need more books, movies and all media on adoption, sperm donors, and every other way many modern families are conceived. Because I still wouldn’t know how to play a meeting with her (if we hadn’t met already,) my birth father (were he alive and I’m not really sure he died but I am cynical) and his family.
I do believe I was absolutely justified in meeting her. As to the rest I’m not so sure and would love input. My sister and I have made some preliminary research plans but I keep backing out.
I will never forget the scene in American Beauty where Bening, a real estate broker, goes to a client’s house and immediately begins straightening a chandelier and cleaning. It was so real. American Beauty was also the first movie in a series–well the second time I saw it I went with Lucia, my best friend, and told her to look for something. I didn’t tell her what or that it was an object not character.
She started screaming: “they (Annette Bening and Kevin Spacey) have your kitchen!” I screamed also. Yes. I. Did. In the middle of one of New York’s biggest, filled to capacity, multiplexes. We have no shame when it comes to certain things.
It was a bit embarrassing but I was to come to realize that the white (usually called) Newport cabinets with brushed metal or stainless knobs, and black with gray speckled granite counters and even floors, (mine was) stood for a certain kind of American 90’s affluence in films. Of course my kitchen was minuscule but…Lucia and I are house object freaks. Our homes express us which I guess was the one of the reasons I reacted to my birth mother’s lack of house personality so badly.
Forgive my rambling. I just wrote the first draft of my second Psychology Today blog post and will let you know….Oh you know I will. Thanks all. The stats have been above my expectations and I would love them to be higher, much higher. I’m learning the not very subtle art of shameless self-promotion, and actually feel good about it as I know I have a great product. Thanks me!!!!!!!