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Dreams, hopes, blogging and writing

September 15, 2015 By pia

I am not a blogger. Bloggers feel passionate about their blogging. I did once—decades ago in blogging years.

Blogging gave me a false sense of security during the most difficult years of my life.

My mother had died suddenly, and I thought tragically, a month after 9/11.

It was damn hard to mourn, anybody but the 9/11 victims, in Manhattan then.

Maybe that was right; maybe the (now former) friend who told me not to mourn—that it had been a week, and time for me to start thinking about all the young people who had died, was right.

Except—how could you not mourn the person you had truly believed (but not realized) would never die? The person who had loved you unconditionally? Who had thought you gorgeous, brilliant, filled with common sense and wonderfulness? I thought all of these things ten or maybe a hundred times over about her.

But maybe the people in New York who thought the death of a woman who had just turned 86 was a “just” death were right.

Maybe I would have thought the same had it been somebody else’s mommy.

Maybe the people in the bank who couldn’t be bothered with me, and were constantly telling me I had brought the wrong documents though I had brought everything they had told to me bring the day before—and the list they wrote out to prove it—were right.

I would call my lawyer, and he would get so angry at them he would hang up on them.

The people at the bank would say they called the Chase branch on Long Island, and they would say they never heard of me.

Only everyone in my family had accounts at that branch, and as they told me when I would go to Long Island, they knew me well. Nobody had called them.

So many little things went wrong. When I began my blog, and found an audience in 2004 I was able to work everything out. It was better than therapy.

People were always telling me how talented I was.

I won all kinds of blogging awards—only being the least tech savvy person in the world—lost them in computer crashes, etc.

I began realizing how much my spatial and organizing disabilities (that I was just really beginning to realize I had) were holding me back.

This angered me. It still does.

I’m a proud person who was an SSI Claims Rep. I vowed never to sit at the other side of the desk.

Yet I felt my “unnamed problems” were increasingly holding me back.

Not being young and adorable anymore; doors that were closed for others no longer automatically opened for me. I began to think that they shouldn’t as I had unfair advantages.

Then I thought: “What am I? Chopped liver?”

Of course I deserve a great life.

I am a talented writer. But after half a decade of working my tush off–twelve hour days, vacations spent blogging, I no longer cared.

Blogging  awards were sweet but what did they give me? Keeping my stats up so I was one of the “highest ranked” bloggers brought me nothing but much like from some people (appreciate and love that), and hate from others.

I don’t need hate in my life.

Basically I stopped blogging. When I began again it was a different blogosphere with many rules that made me realize I didn’t fit.

I’m a story teller not a self-taught, self-help guru (though I know more about many subjects than many who do blog on self-help.)

I could talk about the problems that happen with nonverbal learning disorder (NLD), and how I handle them. but I would die before I thought my experiences should be everyone else’s.

I don’t have a spouse and/or children so I can’t write about the nest emptying out—-and when did that become something most women bloggers over a certain age should blog about?

I’m not going to blog about blogging. Obviously there’s too much I don’t care about. And so many people do it so well.

I know a lot about dementia because I ran a dementia hall in a nursing home but I. Don’t. Really. Want. To. Write. About. It.

To me the real experts are the people suffering from it, and their children–if their children care enough to be actively involved in their parents lives. I saw too many people at the nursing home who did have children who never came.

Isn’t blogging a fairly new “invention?” Shouldn’t people blog about their passions? Tell stories about their pasts, if they so desire?

Who is the blogging board who determines what should be read, and what shouldn’t be read?

I just want to write. I don’t care about my stats but I know I should because publishers do. I hate Twitter, and refuse to believe that my future depends on how many Twitter “followers” I get.

I also passionately hate the word “followers” as used on the Internet. All I can think about is “don’t drink the Kool Aid.”

To my credit I have never followed the herd.

I’m going to write and throw some of my writing into my blog.

Because I’m so disorganized and never got the proper help at the proper time, my mind doesn’t work like others.

It’s hard for me to do a proposal, and I won’t self-publish for many reasons that all have to do with my disabilities.

This isn’t an excuse.

As people are beginning to accept other invisible disabilities they should accept mine.

It makes me cry because there’s so much I can’t do properly. Yet I know I’m as talented or more talented than many people who go far.

I won’t rest until somehow I do!

Filed Under: 9/11, bloggers, blogging, invisible disabilities, memoir, mental health, mother/daughter friendship, New York Stories, NLD, non verbal learning disorder, nonverbal learning disorder, Odd Girl In

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Comments

  1. Nathalie says

    September 15, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    This is an outstanding blog post. Writing like this is worthy of being posted and being read. I don’t understand why a blog has to have a theme. Real life is more interesting than a theme to me.

    It’s so difficult to read that people didn’t understand about your grief for your loss of your mother! How could they be so clueless? Your mother died for gosh sakes. Your. Mother. Of course you were in grief. She was wonderful, and wonderful to you. (((Pia)))

    • pia says

      September 15, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      Thanks Nathalie. You always know what to say. And you have been an amazing presence (and present) in my life.

  2. Jocelyn says

    September 15, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    And herein, you have laid out your terms for yourself and decided what blogging can be for you. There is so much noise around blogging, and those who surround themselves with it end up writing for the wrong reasons and, subsequently, usually writing poorly. If you write to get “clicks,” then your writing suffers.

    This post identifies what REAL bloggers (at least my idea of them) do: they take advantage of the space to write, and they write when, how, and in what way they want to.

    You’ve actually just owned your blogging!

    • pia says

      September 15, 2015 at 1:49 pm

      Thanks Jocelyn. I have to digest this! But thanks thanks thanks!

  3. Gilly Maddison says

    September 15, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Pia, you don’t know me but I can totally relate to what you are saying. The two comments above from Nathalie and Jocelyn are so spot on – I hope you listen to them. I know exactly where you are coming from but for different reasons. Before I began my blog, in a former career I had been a well respected writer and photographer in print media and public relations. Like you, I began my blog to distract myself from something traumatic that was going on in my life – vastly different to you losing your mum which I am very sorry to hear about. Mine was a court case I launched against an organisation and in the aftermath, I sought escape in my blog because writing is the thing I do best in life. I am like you – a story-teller – my blog has no theme and I am proud of that. Why follow the pack? I will always be a magazine writer who flits from story to story because that is how I made a very good living in the real world for over 25 years. Jocelyn is right – there is SO much noise in the blogging world and virtually none of those people making it would survive in the real world where talent is what brings in the salary or fees high enough to live well. Don’t give up – just don’t – ok? Be different and be thankful that you are. Today, I was searching for new, authentic blogs without a specific theme and all I found was blogger after blogger after blogger writing about blogging. It’s like a disease! 5 ways to do this 7 ways to do that – ad infinitum. Do you really want to be one of those? They all regurgitate each others stuff. No, you don’t because you kind of said that. Keep going and revel in your uniqueness – please! Authenticity is way more important that likes, comments, shares etc etc etc. There are so many people who feel this way – they just don’t voice it online. I will be watching to see what you write next. 🙂

    • pia says

      September 15, 2015 at 2:54 pm

      Thanks Gilly. Obviously I totally get losing oneself in blogging after a trauma.
      I promise I will probably never do a seven ways to a better life post though I’m sorely tempted to do a satirical one.
      And I look forward to reading your blog!

  4. Gilly Maddison says

    September 15, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    That’s funny – I have thought the same thing because I am so SICK of them. Yes and me yours too. It’s just gone 11 pm here in the UK so I am shutting down now but will be having a good old read up on here tomorrow. Looking forward to it!

  5. Cindy Throne says

    September 16, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    First read and you are wonderful! Will be reading more.

    • pia says

      September 18, 2015 at 9:47 am

      Thanks Cindy. So appreciate your comment!

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About Me

I live in the South, not South Florida, a few blocks from the ocean, and two blocks from the main street. It's called Main Street. Amazes me too.

I'm from New York. I mostly lived in the Mid-Upper East Side, and the heart of the Upper West Side. It amazes me when people talk about how scared they were of Times Square in the 1970's and 1980's.

As my mother said: "know the streets, look out and you'll be fine."

What was scary was the invasion of the crack dens into "good buildings in good 'hoods." And the greedy landlords who did everything they could to get good tenants out of buildings.

I'm a Long Island girl, and proud of it now.
Then I hated everything about the suburbs. Yet somehow I lived in a few great Long Island Sound towns after high school.

Go to archives "August 2004" if you want to begin with the first posts.

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