I could have been so much more had I known about nonverbal learning disorder (NLD). I won’t even discuss what I could have been had I not had it.
I could have faced my weaknesses head on, not thinking they were all in my head.
I could have had occupational therapy (OT). It would have at least given me tools to work with.
I could have gone to the colleges my mother and guidance counselor thought I should have applied to. (Seven sisters; girls didn’t go to Ivies when I was in high school). If it were just my mother who thought so….but thank you, Mr. Wolfe, for believing so strongly in me.
Yes I have had White Privilege. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like had I not been a good-looking white woman who knew how to flirt and smile and even make small talk. (I had no idea I was flirting but apparently I was very good at it).
I could have applied for great jobs at top of the line companies instead of settling for good jobs at middling companies. Maybe that doesn’t sound much to you but I had the intelligence, the insight, and even the personality.
I could have (should have) been very selective about the men in my life. I would have liked a long term marriage to a man worthy of me. Instead I never felt worthy enough.
Would I have had a baby? Probably. It bothered me so much that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t want to inflict my problems on an infant or even small child. I knew that I would have made a good mother but I couldn’t chance it.
People who are far less talented than I am publish books hourly. Yet I agonize over ever word choice, every idea and thought. I would really like to publish a few books. I am so scared.
I am scared to let all my feelings out. Scared that once I let them out I could be immersed in a tsunami of emotions so deep the vat will be filled, sealed, and I and anyone around me will suffocate.
I am scared that my phobias will shorten my life span. Or ruin my health.
I like being alive and being part of this big crazy wonderful world, but is it too late?
On this day that Hillary Clinton will probably be the presumptive Democratic candidate for president, remember all of us who are not Hillary’s. Remember that we deserve as much; that we are citizens of this world; that we have much to give. Look beyond the obvious and care half as much as you care that Hillary wins or that a woman was viciously raped by a man who won’t pay as much as he should for his crime.
In a way all of us imperfect women have been raped over and over again; and nobody says: “Stop.” If we were more visibly handicapped or were more handicapped or had a handicap that you understand, you would be screaming for justice for us.
Yet you remain silent.
Forgive me for wanting. Forgive me for reading blog posts about not having grandchildren, and thinking but I don’t have children or a partner; I haven’t felt good enough since I was in my 40’s and men were all over me. And even then I thought; “I have these problems. To inflict them on somebody else would be horrible. Let me screw up the relationship.” Yes it was that conscious.
This if for all the imperfect women who came after me who can be Hillary’s.