Courting Destiny

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Depression Comes Softly

By

‘m not a person to fall into depression.
(Anxiety’s my thing).
But I woke up this morning scared, well scared of so much. The personal, the country–it all falls into one basket.
I remembered the day the country woke up to an after election when Al Gore should have won (it all hit the fan then–where we too stupid to notice?)
I walked outside–but felt good, in a very weird way, because I knew that every person on the street felt exactly the way I did.
Strangers talked to strangers.
Nobody speaks to anybody else at Suzy’s mani/pedi on Broadway.
That day everyone talked.
We didn’t know we were getting into practice for the most horrible event of our lifetimes.
Less than a year later no New Yorker would be a stranger to each other.
I no longer live in NY.
I was an idiot for leaving, or not moving to some place where liberal Jews, or this liberal Jew, who can be so quiet in person, and so loud on virtual paper can feel as at home as everyone else.
Oh yes I know I can be more than welcome if I just smile, talk small talk, and never express my views.
On Sunday it will be one year since we learned that there are “fine Nazis.”
One year since not one conservative Christian I know here said: “there is no such thing as a ‘fine Nazi’.”
Instead bloggers here wrote about the horrors of peaceful protest. Never mentioning the horrors of racism and the alt right.
Yes, damn it, I took it personally.
How could I not when I wrote about how peaceful protest is something my grandmother taught me to do?
She explained all the reasons why it is a privilege to be able to exercise the right to protest.
My parents told me to listen to her–and reinforced her views.
But few here wanted to listen. They just let me–subtly and not, know how wrong I am.
I know I’m not.
But damn I’m finally truly depressed. Maybe when I woke up to “elections too close to call,” just a bit defeated, this whole horrible year came banging onto my chest.
I finally admitted what a mistake I made thinking that I could live somewhere where if you’re not a conservative Christian, you’re supposed to shut up and take it.
Sadly I’m not making a mountain out of a mole hill.
It would have been so incredibly nice if one person, just one person, had said: “I want to listen to your POV.”
Fortunately there are liberal Christians, and atheists. And some people who couldn’t give a damn what my politics and/or religion is (though I know they think I’m going to a hell I don’t believe in–and are praying for my soul.)
Yes I have learned what depression is, and I hate it!

Comments

  2. Pia, I have to tell you I’ve undergone depression, too. I’ve been called a Nazi c*nt and worse by liberals, simply for stating that I’m a moderate “swing voter”, and that I think AT TIMES the right is misrepresented by the press. I’ve been attacked, insulted and threatened – and not by the alt right. There seems to be equal hate on both sides of the political spectrum and this is what I find depressing.

    I am in no way diminishing your feelings here. But hatred is pervasive right now all across the political spectrum. This probably won’t make you feel better, but I can say that I feel depressed and beaten up myself. I really fear for the country.

  3. I’ve been depressed since the night of the election where Putin installed tRUMP as our “president.”

    Fortunately, my friends and family all feel the same way. I’m a Unitarian Universalist, and of course 99.9% of UUs have my back. That doesn’t help the country, but it helps me.

    We all swim in a Christian sea. I’m so sorry that the water is so deep and full of sharks where you live.

    I’ve never felt so fearful in my 77 years.